havent written anything for december, honestly since night shift, i work and then sleep and am too out of whack to do anything remotely exciting. this month was the month of christms which brings family, fun, and stress. now the holidays are almost over, just have to make it through new years in cinci and putting away the presents and we are home free for a while.
sunday is marks birthday, we have mason so im thinking mason and i are going to throw him a little birthday party at our aparatment just the 3 of us. should be fun!

michelle trachenburg stalks me. when i was little i watched harriet the spy and i became a spy riding my bike around the neighbor staring in peoples windows and writing down little comments, my mom and step dad were not to pleased to see me in peoples bushes and all just to write, "man in blue house sitting at table eating pasta" ....nothing exciting happened on maryland. and now michelle is playing a new grad nurse at mercy hospital who wears cute scrubs (just like me) although i find her optimism and excitement annoying...id rather bemore like veronica, headstrong, determined and knowing whats best and standing for it, i think in time that will come. and im excited for that
last night my 103 year old patient tried to bite me and called me a crazy fool. and i just laughed, and blessed her in my head. i have been taking care of an old man who is a friend of the family of mark . i have fell in love with him and his family, and have really become attached to him. michelle my manager told me in my peer review that im emotional at times, and that is expected of a new grad nurse. i kinda thought that was rediculous because i want to always be emotional...but empathetic, i want to cry with my patients when things arent right, and actually care and not be a hard ass. i am able for the most part to leave my emotions at work and it hink thats whats important,. but i vow to never become unemotional at work. i think thats what makes a good nurse.
anyways thats a little bit of an update i dont know what else to say but i am feeling the itch to write again as i have been moody lately. mom told me its because of the blue moon this month, which messes with our feelings, and of course its been an hard time with grandma smiths death and the holiday stress. knowing a reason is easier than carrying moodiness on my own. i just have to let it go, and believe that God is looking out for me, and give up the bad mood and accept happiness into my life

i feel like i havent slept in ages. almost like after dance marathon when i youre awake for 36 + hours depending on what time you had to be there before it started, and you stood on youre feet through the entire time, werent allowed to sit exept for the 15 minute breakfast and dinner you had...and youre entire body just hurt so bad you would give anything to remove your feet and shoulders if it would give you some relief.....but yah i feel kinda similar to that after moving to night shift.
the first night i was supposed to go i woke up feeling kinda sick, kinda like my world was shifted and everything was backwards and the whole world doesnt understand that its actually morning, not night time, so why are all the stores open?? usually they are closed as i approach work...but no iit was night and not morning and i felt emotional aboutleaving the girls on day shift who are so much like me and young and have quickly become my best friends here in ky, so i saw nikki and got report and started crying because i ahted that i had to be there and work a whole night through which just seems so unnatural to me.
now i knew going into this that iw ould be on the night shift and thats was no problem for me, i actually thought id prefer it, or not mind it but after orientation and loving the day shift andthe busyness and the doctors and orders and tests and getting a hands on appraoch the pathology of these patients i dreaded nights...
it started off kinda busy, did my med tosses, and admitted a new patient, and did my assessment and then about 1 am it was dead....no pharmacy, no labs, no tests, no doctors, everyones asleep...and i was B O R E D i hate to be bored at work i would reather be stressed and running around like a mad women taking care of these people, in fact i am driven by stress it motivated me, i feel useful i feel important and that is whyi became a nurse...not to be there in case someone needed to pee, or needed a pillow, im there to heal....so after 2 nights i can say that no i do not like night shift...
i pray and pray for a day opening to come through...i just dont know how ill last...
but other than that
i love kentucky and my life although nowt hat my schedule is switchedi havent seen my boy since friday and i havent seen mason for almost 2 weeks! which is sad because hes growing so fast i dont want to miss a minute.

tonight somer and i are headed to see new moon for the second time. im glad that we are able to hang out since we arent working together anymore, im going to vent my frusterations of night shift to her . but i dont want to seem like i dont like my job or a complainer, a lot of nurses are big complainers and forget that the fundamental reason we do waht we do is to be there for these patienst and i think that if a nurse doesnt want to be there she shouldnt be..no one forces you to work there, so if you hate youre job leave.....i dont want to hear it and a bad mood only puts me in a bad mood, its contagious....so yah i dotn want to do that to somer but she was my preceptor adn now my best friend here so i feel like i can talk to her about it...im optomistic though that itllget better, and that itll only last as long as im the guppie in the pond and eventually i will be able to move to a better shift! I HOPE!

"he claims that the relapse was a one-shot, three-day mistake and he's fine. But the longer he talks, the more it becomes obvious that his voice is the voice of HIM on something.

I wait.

It's like watching from afar, perhaps through binoculars with imperfect lenses, the moments before a train wreck. All of us who love him commiserate. we all know. and yet there is nothing you can do. "
- beautiful boy, david sheff

i hit a parked car at work tonight as i was leaving
i heard a loud BOOM, felt it, and thought "ah shit, i hit a curb again" and then i looked and it was a car...i got out and looked at a plate sized dent was in the front right of this car. i got back into my car, giggled, and then started crying...called mark, no answer...called mom, she got the machine , prayed prayed prayed and yes she answered
she calmed me down, asked me if i had any damage... well, didnt check for that, get out of the car and check....and i just have a scratch and some paint frm the other car....great. of course id be fine and theyd have a huge dent.
mom told me to go in and get a security guard to find the owner, but i was too embarressed and i didnt wwant to interupt someone if they were with patients so i left a note.
now ill admit i thought briefly of just leaving but then i thought thats terrible karma and theres security cameras lol...i guess im not an angel after all that this thought did come across my mind, it makes me feel guilty even to admit it and to write it makes it real.
well i have my insurance info sitting by my phone, im ready for the call. ijust hope its not the bitchiest person in the hospital that i have yet to encounter or withmy luck its dr. j who yelled at me when i was trying to put a bp cuff on his patient that was newly admitted with a resting HR of about 150, and yelled "NO NO NO I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STOP I CANNOT HEAR THE PATIENT" as he was trying to get a history...because really it makes a lot of noise to put a bp cuff on someone????....yah its probably his car.

all i can think about now though is how i once hit nana's house and grandpa rich came running out in his boxers and no shirt "WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN???" i mean if you know him, just imagine him running, he NEVER ran, big old pot belly and tiny tiny tiny little legs come bolting out the house....i miss that crazy old man.


well thats an update, the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a while ! tomorrow is a day off then i work wed and then the weekend so tomorrow ill be cleaning and doing laundry because my apt is trashed after masons weekend...there are cookie and cereal and cracker crumbs all over and little juice spills...its a mess and its overwhelming to try and keep up with him because one mess just replaces another so i just wait till the time isup then i clean it all and then its usually time for his return! he definitely leaves an impression in more ways that one =)

you know things have changed when on a long car ride you find yourself listening to elmo's song and mister wiggles instead of your ipod shuffle. and instead of getting the latest carrie underwood song stuck in your head its Sesame street.

needless to say it was an amazing weekend back home to cleveland, and i had a redneck shower so my kitchen is pretty much stocked with things..no more resourcefullness of foil, although it would make a pretty neat book.


im blessed with an amazing family that gives and gives, and loves and loves. its never-ending. It was hard to realize how far i am from them, how much less ig et to see them, the people who molded me and formed me into the woman that i now am... played such a huge part in that and now so far away. i dont want it to feel like im far away and not around much, i want to be around and in there lives. mark and i were talking how we dont want mason to forget everyone he met, the only way to do that is to have frequent trips. i want my kids to be as close to my family as iw as when iwas growing up. thats so important to me, and i dont want distance to effect itl. i think if im determined it will happen.

anways i read in my moms blog about how her mother is becoming her grandmother, and she is turning into her mother. and i laughed because just last night i looked at my mom sitting in the rocking chair and i watched her mannerisms as she played with mason...the way she looked her hair up in a messy pony, a baggy shirt, sweatpants....and i though "thats me" every move she maked, the tone of her voice it was like looking in a mirror...i am becoming my mother. i think this is a natural progression of life....you get busy with work and kids and suddenly youre not the girl with new cute top, skinny jeans, boots, a fake bake tan, white teeth, going out to get some drinks...instead youre more comfortable in that baggy t-shirt and messy pony. because life is busy and you dont just take care of yourself anymore but a little life that looks to you for kisses when he gets a booboo and daddy just says "hes all right, be tough" (although mark rarely does that!)
and i dont think thats such a bad thing. im proud to be my mommy, and ill be proud to be nana, or grandma or aunt lucy....if its one thing my family has its powerful strong beautiful women.

i had tea with my mom, sat and talked, and it was like soul nourishment, to have that one person in this world that knows you frm the moment you were nothing but a centimeter in size. who formed you your whole life and knows how you think and the right thing to say and will never judge you because no matter what she loves you, she created you! i still can feel like her little girl and that makes me so sad because i still want to be that little girl, and i know in her heart i always will be.

anyways, im gettin my period in a few days so thats why im so emotional . im headed back to work wednesday so tomorrow is my lsat day of play on this unexpected vacation ! i think mark and i are going to hit up some of the bourbon trail and finish doing laundry and putting clothes away but well see because i have no intention of setting an alarm and being on any sort of a schedule.

but its nice to blog again and iw ill make more of an effort to do that. life isnt as boring as it seems when you sit down and thing about it...thers always a story somewhere that can be told!

something told me to check the mail as i came home from work today. maybe its because Im waiting on checks. inside my mailbox was a key with a note that said i have mail waiting for me in 17B....17B is a larger mailbox. i thought , well i guess my checks are here...but to my surprise it was not my checks! it was a little brown box from ohio! my aunt and uncle sent me a little present. mark and i were excited to find some kitched towels (mapine's (sp??)) they are so cute with pumpkins and ghosts! and some fall ones too! we dont have any so its nice to have these, might have to use then even after halloween!!! (thank you aunt lucy! ) i read the know she left me and it said she hasnt read anything lately which is a reminder to me that i need to blog which ive been thinking about needing to do a lot lately . things have been kind of crazy ....heres the update youve been waiting for!

orientation at work was soooo boring, just sat in a cold room everyday listening to people talk abotu stuff im sure they really dont care about...like safety control and poison control blablabla
then i started precpting. the first day i jsut shadowed this woman Dee ann just watched what she did, it was kind of a calm day, she only had 2 patients. then the next day and every time ive worked since i precepted with Somer and i absolutely love her! shes young and fun and such an incredible nurse i hope to grown and be as intelligent in nursing as she is. i have been learning a lot. like computer charting which idont know how ill ever get the hang of it but i guess i will. some days it gets so crazy because we can get admits frm the ER at anytime, or people from the floor or icu....so you have people coming and going . and we dont get a tech most of the time so we do our own primary care which kind of sucks because ithought my butt wiping days were over but at the same time it really gives you a chance to get to know yoru patient and be at there bedside more than just med tosses. im learnng a lot about medications..i feel like ive learned more these past few days than ever in school clinicals.

good news! I PASSED NCLEX!!! taking it was so weird. they do everything but ask you to strip before entering the exam. they took my pic and fingerprints three separate times. then you go in and people are around you but not taking the same exam, some are taking gre or other grad school exams ...everyone is sitting against the wall and every cubicle has a camera peering over you! its creepy. but i took it and was done in 110 questions which was about an hour for me. all my friends were done after 75 so once it hit queston 76 i started to panic a bit but i just calmed down, read the questions and it paid off! i found out 2 days later that i passed after paying 7.00 to the website that offers the exam...and then my number showed up on the ohio BON website! Getting things to transfer to ky has been hard though because in ky ou need 120 hours of training to be a RN so i have what is called a provisional license and thehours start from the day they issued it so basically im starting fresh even though ive been working for a few weeks....but its okay its more training before im on my own...only downside is i get a paycut until then.

other than that mark and i moved into our apt! its so cute! I love it! we need a lot of things but that will come in time. we both jsut recovered from the swine flu and had to miss a few days of work but were much better now. swine flu is nothing to be messed with, definitely the sickest i have felt. and i know ill be sick a lot because as a new grad i have a immature immune system and will get everything, sure the mono doesnt help!

well ill blog more with some cute patients stories! now i have to go to bed
dad and peggy adn grandparents and aunt are in hopkinsville and im off to see them in the AM! yay!!

love you aunt lucy and uncle keith!

I am not a resident of kentucky...
such a weird realization, i can say it to myself over and over, and every morning wake up and think, this is where ill be waking up for most of the rest of my life, and still it doesnt feel real. i still think in a few days ill be going home to cleveland. but thats not so.
this past saturday i had a going away party of sorts with my family. it felt more like my funeral. everyone celebrating and eating good, and saying goodbye. I was fine until i had to say goodbye to nana, which broke my heart. but im not dying and its not really goodbye, its more like see you later. mom and i made a cassada cake that was a hilarious event trying to transport this huge cake a few miles, as it started to crack in half and i sat in the backseat holding it together and praying it didnt slide anymore that necessary. but in the end it did split in the fridge but man was it a good cake. That night mom and i layed in her bed and looked at her pyramid collectin magazine, talking about things we liked, and just bonded, we both cried realizing we wont be able to lay together and talk and laugh and bond for a while. but it was nice to have that night with her one last time. then in the morning on sunday i packed my car up and hit the road.
when i got to kentucky mark made sure to keep my evening packed so i ddint have time to think or be sad, mason was here so that made me happy, how can you be sad around something so precious as mason? we went and fed to ducks at the lake, something i used to do as a child. we laughed as mason fed himself as well as the ducks, mason has started to nodd yes or no and it seems he has an opinion about every question you ask him. mostly its yes which i know wont last long because once he gets into those terrible twos everything will be no. but we had fun, we cuddled up later at night before he went to sleep, hes just so precious it could make you cry.
on monday i had to go into the hospital and get some more paperwork done, mostly just going through the book of policies in the hospital and answering questions on that, then i got my badge made, met with my nurse educator and got some homework which of course doesnt end in school, but continues. later that evening i got a call from the hospital saying there was a problem with my licensure. it seems the kentucky board of nursing cannot give me a provisional licensure (which in kentucky is a temp licensure while you complete your 120 hours of on the job training which is mandatory here) until i pass boards, which means the hospital cant really work me as a registered nurse applicant (what your called while you have a provisional) until i have that. so its going to be alittle more time until i cant start my job but that are going to let me go to orientation next week monday through thrusday and then i take boards that saturday so hopefully itll only be another week while things get processed until i can start my real job. until then they siad they could possibily get me in as a tech so that would be fine with me. it would be just a short temp thing. so even though there are these extra hoops and jumps its going to work out. they said that no matter what my job is completely safe and they believe i will be stellar. stellar was the word they used, not mine. so that made me feelgood.

i went with mark tohis bank to try and set up an account and i couldnt because i didnt have a relative that had an account at the bank or one that worked for the state. this made me so sad for some reason. i almost started to cry. which is rediculous because there are so many banks in this world. but i think it was just the reminder that i dont have any real family here. but mark reassured me. and i got an account at another bank. he joked we could go to the courthouse and become family if it was that important to me.i laughed that one off. that will not be happening. on tuesday when i was driving around trying to get my fingerprints done i took a turn and just explored and i came across the bank that was recommended to me so i made an account there. i was very pleased with myself that i found it without help!! andi found my way back home too.

anyways, mark and i took a drive to the apartment, ate a mexican restraunt right next to it, and im so excited about it. its in a great location and right next to our building is a hotel so my family can stay there and be so close! its going ot be great! i just have no idea how were going to get all our things there, but ive moved many times and i know it is possible.

the rest of the week has been kind of boring, i just sleep and study while mark is at work and then he ocmes home and we hang out or he goes and plays cards with his friends. which makes me sad sometimes because i do wish i had friends i could run off with. but tonight i have my first meeting with the chi o advisors adn UK so hopefully i will be meeting some friends there !! im really excited about it and happy that i can get involved with something here and have a life. its such a blessing. this weekend on saturday im going to the UK game with mark's mom , she says i deserve a break. although i dont feel like i do. ive been studying but i feel like its just so easy now, maybe its because im using the same cd's i used obessively fro the HESI so its not new to me, i dont feel too challenged so i dont know. ihope im not kidding myself. i have a lot riding on this nclex. my friend em took it today so im going to get some tips frm her on how she studied and what it was life.

well im off to run some local errands! will keep updating!

Last weekend due to my sinus infection and neverending sick tirade....and Julia's lack of funds / mine as well in honest judgement, i went to cincinnati instead of put in bay. I had a really good time, spent money that i dont have at Easton mall, admired alot of things i wish i could afford and hope i can someday, including ugg boots which leah and i always said we would buy out first winter with a real job. Julia and i went to the beach waterpark and soaked up the last good rays of summer. Going down waterslides is not the same as it was as a little girl. I found myself getting airtime and landing back into my inner tube getting rub burn down my back and bottom. i was terrified i was going to flip, or fall out and down the slides...thrilling but i have to say the lazy river was the best part. after that we went to get ice cream at graters which is legendary. i believe oprah flies her ice cream in from cinci. its that good. they have this summer flavor that is strawberry with chocolate chunks but they didnt have it anymore...the the guy tried to mix strawberry with chocolate sauce which ended up being a disgusting chocolatey soup....i was disappointed. i dont understand the whole seasonal item thing...i mean really if its that good and youre going to make money off of it then offer it year round....i get that too much of a good thing can make you sick of it but just be more innovative and come up with a better summer item ...i mean strawberry with chocolate chuncks isnt that crazy of an idea that it needs to be a special item. I think like a pinacolada ice cream....that makes more sense as a summer flavor than strawberry chocolate!! anyays, after that we went to dinner at julias parents who make the best homemade pinapple pizza, they make everything homemade but with healthy items! they do everything healthy or low fat its really neat but its amazing how good it states. Julia and i discused the recent documentaries we had watched on tv about cults and polygamy. im really amazed by them. some things i learned: one girl who was alone in chicago after moving there met a guy and he invited her to his yoga class...i mean sounds harmless right? It was at a studio called Dahn Yoga so she signed up for the class! but it ended up being some kind of crazy cult where they sat around and yelled displaying there passion and trying to have vision....i mean people thing that they could never get caught up in a cult, but really its so easy to! i mean you think youre going to a yoga class and the next thing you know youre brainwashed, they pray on thepeople who feel they are alone because they promise friendships and family and that sounds pretty ideal. i mean the people in the yoga cult were young and good looking...i can see how she got trapped in it...but got out though adn was living at a cult survivor group in ohio somewhere before she headed back out into the would...it was similar to rehab. the polygamy one showed a woman with 7 children who was married to a man at 14 who was 32 years older than her..it was insane ...she was actually married the man who became the new prophet leader when warren jeffers was arrested. but she escaped but her oldest daughter went back after turning 18. Many people have wondered why when the LDS camp was raided none of the children or women cried and they explained this in the doc. The children and women do not show affection or emotion, they are taught as babies to have no emotion, the women do not hug or kiss there babies and many of them die because of lack of stimuli...a baby can be fed, changed, clothed, burped but if it is not loved and cuddled they die. The ones who survive never get affection or develop attachment to there mothers. if a mother does show affection both are tormented. its so disturbing! and most of the runaways are called lost boys because boys are thrown off the camp because of the ratio is uneven. if there are too many yoing boys the young girls will not wnat to marry the older men and therefore there arent enough women to go around so the boys are kicked out. its so sad. there are camps filled with teenage boys in utah and colorodo that were kicked out. so sad.anyways ive realized ive gotten way off track here! we went to the riverfest adn saw the fireworks on the ohio river, they were awesome I had such a great weekend and it was one last relaxing thing i could do before the craziness. i spent the first half of t his week with my dads family where my grandmother made me a goodbye dinner of sorts. she accidently used cream of tarter in her corn dish she makes whcih is normally really really good but this time was rather sour...it was asuch a huge mistake for her, one i had never seen hermake, she was embarressed and upset but its just corn but for her i could tell this was a big deal. anyways i heard more about my cousins new job and his amazing paycheck, and how smart he is thatn really answering any questions about my new job but thats okay i hate the spotlight....i said goodbye to my dad which was a bit emotional. i hate that imn growing up, iw ish icould wake up and be 3 again and be little and havef un and play with barbies and not worry about money, jobs, loans etc. you dont know hwo good you have it when you do. im home in cleveland now doing a million loads of laundry i have from going through my clothes, which im going to start packing up. i have so many things i need to do but the apt move in day is sept 22 and im so excited! mark is going to take carfe of the finances until my paychecks come in so its working out! just have to figure out how were going to get my stuff downt here...so now im studying for nclex, need to get my plates, need to get my fingerprints, get my tb test read and papers faxed to the hospital ,pack up my stuff and head out! on saturday my nana is cooking a dinner and a lot of my family will be there so it will be nice to see everyone before i leave! But i know ill be back soon, its not forever...just for now! im really excited about the changes and nervous too! i just hope i down start a crying fit like i usually do before leaving home. i know God is with me though! so now im off to switch my laundry and start the packing process!!!!

well, i have an aweful cold that just wont leave me alone. so congested. but anyways....here is my little update
mark is looking at this apartment i found called Townley Lake Apt. and it looks great! Its actually right across the street for Amazon where Mark works. This places cost includes cable and internet, has a 24 hour work out center, walking trail, outdoor pools, and each place has a washer and dryer which is such a bonus! Mark said they have to openings and we can either move in right away or sept 21st. so either way works fine with us! hopefully itll work out but if not Ill be staying with Mark's grandma and there are plenty of apartments out there.

my authorization to test is here!! yay! im taking my exam on Sept 26th!!! i scheduled it in cinci so its close to where im at in kentucky and i can see julia! Im so ready to get this test overwith and be a nurse officially! i filled out the paperwork online to get endorsed through kentucky to be a nurse! and i just need to get a new set of fingerprints done for kentucky so although its going to take a bit of time for everything to be complete, at least the ball is rolling!

Im at my dads currently just spending time here, hes offering me my dresser in my room here, and i have living room furniture lined up so things are really coming together. Although as i become comfortable in finances i would like to purchase my own furniture from ikea or something just to have my own nice things that i picked out and feel less like a bum college student making ends meet. but im so excited and grateful for the things i do have! i wont have to sit on milk cartons! haha

well thats the most of an update that i have so far! but im really excited and will keep everyone updated!!

ITs 2:37 on a saturday, possibly my second to last in cleveland for a while as i have made the decision to accept the job in frankfort, KY and will be reporting for my first day of orientation on sept 14th. I cannot believe this!!! Im so excited and ready to start my nursing career on a ICU step down floor...after i am completely on my own and doing well i will be cross trained for the ICU as well since these 2 floors work together. This hospital is amazing! it is run entirely by nurses and it is completely dedicated to enforcing nurses to go back to school, become accrediated and specialists and gives tuition reimbursement as well as grade incentives and it has a clinical ladder program that gives you a large large bonus based on your involvement in the hospital, education, and research adn many other thinga available to you in the community and hopsital. there is a nursing banquet once a year that awards nurses for there hard work, offering awards and scholarships from physicians and nurses and hospital boards. Every person i ahve met at this hospital seems to have the exact same personality as me. I coulnt be more excited! I will be working nights after my orientation which is days. The orientation process can last anywhere from 8 - 12 weeks and it is completely up to my comfort on when it is over, Once a week i will have meetings with the manager, my preceptor and the nurse educator of my floor to go over my stengths, weaknesses adn growth and map out my progess and once i am ready i will be moved to nights. these floors emphasize teamwork so i will never ever be on my own or feel lost! everyone works together and it seems like everyone loves to work here. I am so happy that i am blessed enough to be in such a working environment. It will be so strange to be away from home. I can tell my family is less than thrilled with this and nto ready to let me go,. But its a nursing schedule where i will be wokring 3 12's a week which leaves me plenty of opportunites to come home, and i plan on doing so once a month! im a family girl, i could never leave for long. and i will be able to come home a lot more that i did in college which really was a rare occurance! Im so ready to begin this chapter of my life although i am scared to death adn will probably want to come home eveyr day until i am aquianted with it.
marks grandma told me i should keep a journal of my changes as they come adn how different it will be for me, city girl moving to the country...well sort of! i plan on getting an apartment in lexington which is a bigger city! but the country is near! i happened to go with marks mom and grandma to the farm and i worked in the garden with them as they showed me how to pick beans and squash and tomatoes...they are also growing watermelons and pumpkins which are sooooo big its unbelievable!

Well now i am off to church with nana and mom. Im a little scared to see nana because i know she has to be upset that i am leaving, and i think she thinks its a personal attack that i am leaving "her". I cant help feel like everyone things i am dying the way they are treating me ..."one last time" seems to be a constant phrase these days...but i know once things get into a pattern it will feel normal and it will be like it always was.....there are a lot of mixed emotions going on but i know Gods will is prevailing as i have prayed and prayed it will. I feel like this is the right thing to do . hopefully everyone can see that too. I will shine.

Interview 1 : At the nursing home I was interviewed by the new DON ...well new since i was there, not the same one that was hired on at the end of my summer job. Almost everyone that i had worked with that i liked had been "let go" or fired. It was odd. the DON told me she jsut got her BSN a year ago, which was odd. I jsut dont think it was the place for me, she told me they didnt have a position available at the moment but she saw one being available in a month and to call when i pass boards. so there is a job there for me, but do i really want to work somewhere where people are constantly being let go? Betty seemed really excited about it. as did shirley...Shirley has been very sick lately, she cried when she saw me, she is thin as a rail and hasnt been eating. It makes me so sad to see her. i hope she is okay! i just think she is the sweetest thing in the world. i think she was happy to see me! i need to get back and see her again because something tells me time is limited.

interview 2: I had an interview in KY at a hospital that Mark's sister works at. My interview went well. I met with the HR recruiter and he was so much fun. It really felt like i was meeting with friends, totally down to earth, i didnt feel like it was an uptight scary thing. I was totally at ease. However, the hospital / state was in the middle of a disaster drill so Brandon, the recruiter couldnt interview me fully. So he had his partner in HR finish the interview. I luckily was still able to meet with the Nurse manager of the Labor/ Delivery floor and she was really nice. Everyone seemed really impressed withmy resume which ihad been doubting lately was good enough or too long. But they all said it was impressive so that eased my doubts. She said seh really liked me and wanted to hire me on but they only had 2 openings in the night shift which was already really young. She said shed be meeting with her managers and try and see if theyd let her. Well that interview ended up lasting 2 hours much to the dismay of my bf who was waiting the car at my pleading. I didnt know it would be so long but he got a nap in. Lucky, We had both been up all night with his son who was teething and in pain. So Im lucky this interview went well when my brain wasnt functioning so well.
I heard back frm brandon and they werent allowed to hire me on to the Labor and delivery floor, but brandon is sending my resume to other floors...they seemed really impressed with me and i really loved this hospital, I really felt like id fit in there!

I had a call from a hospital in cincinnati out of no where which was awesome! Its for a brand new hospital that just opened up last may! its a med surg job which isnt what i really want to do but thats okay because itll give me experience and then i can switch into whatever i would like. I pulled some answers out of my butt because iwas totally caught off guard with the phone interview. The nurse recruiter is out of town until next wed. so they are going to call me back next week to schedule an interview!

Finally all these doors are opening up to me! and im getting my new car later today! its about time! I just hope i land a job in the best possible place that i need to be. Im still trying to get into a cleveland interview as well, i contacted the secretary at my cousins office and she is going to call me back, hopefully she will know of something. I keep trying to get into cleveland clinic or something around here but its been difficult. it hink the cleveland market is still tight so we shall see!
i wholeheartedly believe God will place me where I need to be! just looking forward to where that might be!

As far as my authorization to test, im waiting for that. i just got my name up on the site as registered to test so any day now i should get my att in the email or mail! Im so ready to get that behind me and sign my name Molly Imler rn, Bsn!!!

well this weekend is the feast and the berea fair, so im looking forward to attending both. Ive been sick all week! its been terrible, i just started some antibiotics and they are killing my stomach causing intense nausea which isnt fun at all. But im starting to feel better regardless of this little irritant!

Mark started his full time job this week, hes really turning into an adult and im sooo proud of him! he may be getting a new(used)car on monday and hes really excited about it. Ive been spending a lot of time down there, hopping around. I went with his mother to the 127 yard sale which runs from alabama to ohio..it was pretty amazing, definitely some buys! I missed my great grandma Mom Imler...so many of the things were things that she had or would of had! like the old fashioned egg beater with the handle that you turn...but it was fun! Mark and i helped his neighbor set up there sale since their neighborhood is right off of 127. he ended up getting many good steals! he still wants me to move in with him which id consider if i move down there but i dont know exactly if thats what i want jsut yet. i mean i love him and when imn there i practically am living with him, but i still think id like to know what its like to live on my own...and i always thought id want to get married first before ilive with a guy but i really love mark ...so well see! i dont really need to worry about this until i have a job which is what i keep telling him. one day at a time!

car shopping is stressful
dad makes it even more so because so many factors have to align just perfectly to make him happy.
Today we test drove an 07 kia spectra at a local used car lot. I loved it. It has a few stains on the seats, some dirtyness to the dashboard, but other than that its beautiful. Dad complained he could hear air noise on the driver side, i didnt hear anything but after driving the neon which sounds like a hurricaine is going on outside while in operation, its a dream. We are waiting for the loan to go through on monday and then the car is mine and i can pick it up!
im very exciting but nervous at the same time. I have this car and a 5 year contract to make payments each month. It will be good to build up my credit but i cant help but feel a bit apprehensive. This is a big responsibility that felt like it was years and years away and now here it is. Im so grateful i have a father who is able to help me get my life started.
Every time i see him eh tells me to get a job, which i am trying depserately to do. i have an interview at the nursing home i used to work at on monday, pretty excited a bout this,. i have my doubts t hough, my nursing mentor told me that its not a good idea to get started into a nursing home, and i worry about getting stuck in the older market, what i want is pediatrics and its so hard to get into and med/surg experience is needed but i dont know how theyd feel about nursing home experience. i guess its a job though.
Its not in kentucky or cinci which is really where i want to go. I dont have any friends in cleveland and i love my family but im young and what am i going to do with my free time here? i guess i can always hit the road and visit. But as my relationship grows its becomes increasingly difficult to live without the one you love on a daily basis. He is in so many ways my future but its so hard to wait for it to happen. I worry about the test this will place on us.... but then again this is a temporary thing, to make money.
we shall see how it goes. Ikeep saying that God will place me exactly where i need to be and i have to continue to trust that.

The wedding on saturday was probably the most beautiful wedding ill ever go to. Sarah was absolutely beautiful, she looked as though she belonged in a bridal magazine. It was so evident that these two truly loved each other. I credit them for changing my pessimistic and cynical views on love.

my uncle married them and taked alot about the Bible and what it says on marriage. He spoke of Genesis, the beginning, when God created the world he made man and for the first time said "it was not good" because man was alone. He fastened Eve for Adam , who was like him. He created someone to make this relationship and love to reflect how God loves us so that we could feel it and become one with one person and create a life with them. He said that there is this one person for us created to reflect God, to show us his love. I thought this was beautiful.

That God so loved us to give this love to us is amazing. to reflect his love. To make us better people.

The reception was beautiful as well, alcohol free but a lot of fun regardless... we had party favors of playing cards because Tad does magic tricks with them and bot h sarah and tad love to play games...i thought this was a unique gift.

it was held at the masonic temple , the servers were all older men , i had ordered lasagna and the man, with his hands shaking, gave me chicken, so i didnt tell him it was the wrong plate, i didnt have it in my heart! i just ate the chicken!

i ended up catching the bouquet!!! which was a fun event, ive never caught the bouquet before!. I danced with my daddy and family and new friends and just had a wonderful time!

It was a great set up to pass the HESI on monday which i totally didnt think i wouild be able to do. I had studied after the rehearsal dinner at the hotel, and while i was getting my hair done, and all day sunday. i cried a lot on monday, including a few times during the exam because i jsut didnt feel as thought it was going well. i was in a office by myself which did take a bit of the stress off, and i took many breaks, never looked at the time. at the end it took me over 3 hours and after i hit the final question i covered my eyes and didnt want to look at my score w hich i was sure was not good! but i passed it!! with a 917!! such a relief!!! Dr. batten hugged me and it felt so good to be done with this chapter in my life.

now comes the job hunt and trying to figure out where to move which is bringing a lot of pressure to me from a lot of people to move certain places. i just need to leave it up to God, i trust that where i get the job is where i belong....

its just proof that things do work out in time! just keep on smiling and trucking along!!

yesterday with my first free day of no studying i went to the pool,. read a book that was completely mindless with no point or serious topic that i havent read in a while, and it was wonderful although now my face and chest and shoulders are bright pink!!! now i start the job search, clothing organzing, room organzing, getting everything done that i put off for a month or 2 while i studied....its wonderful! although still weird! =) ill start studying again on monday but not as intensley in order to keep in the game for when i take the NCLEX In a month or so!

yay!

917


i finally did it....

will blog about wedding soon! too elated and happy to sit around blogging !!! yay!!!!!11

the other day i went to walmart to get self tanner (because i want to be tan for the wedding this weekend, and i dont want skin cancer or burn)...anyways...the lines are so long so i just pick the one with the self scanner since i only have one item...

and then my weirdo radar goes off...

a man , quite possible an albino man, near the age of 67 ish ?? i say that lightly because he could very well be much younger but just look older...comes over and loudly announce :HEY HEY HEY THIS LINE OVER HEAR IS OPEN:

he's looking right at me...wait, no, he might not be...he has a one lazy eye so im not quite sure...but wait yes he is motioning to me...
of course i want to get out of walmart as fast as i can, and i fear the reprecussions if i do not follow this man to the open lane....did i mention he is a customer too, hes not a employee...

so im now behind him in lane, I watch as he places 2 4-pack Snack-Pack puddings on the conveyer belt...he then proclaims "THESE ARE A GREAT DEAL, 1$ EACH, I LOVE THEM, IM GETTING VANILLA HERE, AND TAPIOCA AND I ATE A CHOCOLATE ONE ALREADY AT HOME, YOU SHOULD GET THESE"

smile and nod, smile and nod.

but this doesnt stop him, he continues.

"LET ME MAKE SURE I HAVE MONEY FOR THIS, DAMN I HAVE TO HAVE A DOLLER"...he pulls out a wad of cash ..."TEN TWENTY THIRTY, SIXTY, I HAVE SIXTY, I THOUGHT I LEARNED MY LESSON, NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH THAT MUCH CASH BECAUSE WHEN YOU GO OUT, GET HIGH ON MARIJUANA, AND GO TO THE STORE, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU ATE 6 BAGS OF LAYS CHIPS AND DRANK A 2 LITER OF COKE"...

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

"SO WHAT ARE YOU BUYING THERE??"

I show him the label and tell him its sunless tanner

"WHAT?"

"sunless tanner."

"HELL YOU NEED THAT THE WEATHER HAS BEEN SO SHITTY"

"well, i dont want skin cancer."

"SMART GIRL, IM OUT ON MY BOAT EVERYDAY, I LIVE IN A HOUSE BOUT AT SOUTH BASS ISLAND DURING THE SUMMER, SOME PEOPLE CALL IT PUT IN BAY"

"oh yes."

He has now finished paying ...and is couting his change, as i am paying for mine, he waits for me...

he tried to walk out with me..."IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU" i turn and say you too, and then i RUN RUN RUN out the door...afraid hed follow me to my car and try to kidnap me or something....

you definitely meet the most unique people at walmart.

when it rains it pours..i feel like this year is just a big "lets take a huge shit on molly and see how much she can handle before we have to involuntarily commit her"...i guess thats a little harsh but seriously the day warrents it considering.

yesterday i went to grafton to see my uncle who is away at "college" aka prison because of something i dont think warrants arrest (drug addiction). It was the first time I had seen him in over a year, and it was so wonderful, and eerie . He looked good! Not to upset since he isnt actually in prison but a working camp they put some inmantes in...where they work on this farm that the state owns. So he has more liberty and freedom and less rules but its not exactly the most wonderful place to be. Still seemed dark and dirty to me ....no air conditions, really hot. Anyways the room reminded me of an old gym in a catholic school, really tiny with that nasty yellow tile all around and yellow brick painted over with that shiny cover and fans and just dark dark dark, completely depressing. the cop told me and my nana to go to table 11....and the tables were not clearly marked but my uncle showed us the way...i sat at the head of the table and got yelled at because apparently the head seat is reserved for inmate use only? so i moved and then i notice that a women is filling up these vending machines. My nana hands me some change and gives me directions. Apparently this is quite the event.my uncle tells me that i have to get the pizza sub because its the only good thing...im confused by this because i didnt even know it was possible to get such food out of a machine, that just sounds disgusting. Well i get up, apprach the machines , and notice that apparently 30 or so other people are also doing the same....i felt like a parent at christmas trying to get a damn tickle me elmo...people breathing down my neck in line, waiting to see what im getting, how long itll take me, just rushing everyone along....i felt this anxiety to get a pizza sub from a vending machine...the guy next to me, in frnt of my mom is gettign wings....yes wings, he has about 8 bags stacked above the machine, and he jsut keeps going for more...this was crazy....i refused to go back up the machines after that....
but the visit was good, i felt feeling dirty, sad, and just completely and overwhelmingly tired.
so i went to bed last night, fully intending on being in a coma until late today, when i heard the maintenance man, whom i despise for good reason. Hes coming into my apartment to fix the huge hole he left for us when he moved our surge box....i send a telepathic message to Joey to bite his ankle....
so im still tired all day, pass out for a nap, go to nana's later for dinner, and realize my car is overheating...so i put some coolant in at Nana's
on the way back to my apt...it starts overheating again which is bizarre because of the coolant...so i start freaking out...im pretty close to home, so im wondering if i should just chance it, but then again i dont want to blow up....i pull over at the bank and then think is hould call my mom but my phone is deead because i left my charger at my dads last week......so im screwed...i put the hood up adn start flailing my arms on the side of York Rd. hoping my mom will drive by and see me,...which she does! she comes, picks me up and takes me back to the apt to call a shop...the shop up the street wont be able to look at it until thursday, maybe...not good for me...so we call another one farther away b ut this means ill have to have it towed...i arrange all this, the tow man tells me to put the key under the mat....and then i think, oh no, where is that key,.....and low and behold, in my frantic state, i locked my keys in the car.
mom grabs a wire hanger and we go back to the car...meet the tow man there...and he laughs at us trying tog et it with a wire, this nice man unlocked it for free. and he took my precious red baby away....(i hate that car, but i need to speak lovingly because she is all i have)
so now im carless...and im supposed to go to kentuckt this weekend. now if i was a normal person, if life didnt like kicking me in the ass and laughing at me...i wouldnt be worrying about this. becauese i would of passed the hesi, would have passed my boards, i would have a job, and i would have a new car that doesnt break down every 2 weeks, and life would probably be a whole lot nicer.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

needless to say, my scores are not improving, i do not feel i have learned anything through this class, i am completely unconfident, and considering new career options....but im taking the HESI on july 13th. desperately need a miracle....

i really am trying to be faithful, the have confidence....but i had boht those things the last 2 times and it didnt work so why would it now???

i know life could be a lot worse, and i should count my blessings ...i do know that...i know im a total debbie downer, but really i could use a freaking break...
if i pass this damn test, my life would improve 82307t58295727527387572857 percent.

how if only it could happen,.

im seriously considering paying a genious to do it for me....

im in a funk and nana thinks I am depressed because of my medicatin interactions but im just genuinely hating the way my days are spent on this damn computer all day with these student lessons and modules. i just want to MOVE ON!!!!!!! i honestly dont even care anymore...if i fail the next 2 times i really dont think i will carry anymore determination for nursing and will officially become a bum of some sort, a professional secretary...at least its something im good at from previous experience.

im just so beside myself with these crazy irrational thoughts waiting fro something miraculous to happen! its not happening!!! hello!!!

at the bridal shower/ bachelorette party...i learned one of the girls is going to mexico for a year living with some sort of christian organization working downt here helping people, she doesnt get payed but it sound like an amazing opportunity. this is something i should be doing, not sitting on my ass reveiwing modules that contain 49059859 slides a lesson and taking quizzes.

i loved the weekend it was a nice break but now im back in my funk, just wanting it to be over.

im going to kentucky this upcoming weekend, computer with me as well, cant get away from the "j o b"

UGH...JUST had to vent.
sorry;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg


i had a panic attack last night thinking about this Hesi and course and if I dont pass it. WHat would happen to me? I already feel like i am in such a rut, left behind my everyone. People are moving away, north carolina, florida, california, michigan...getting jobs in ICU and Pediatrics, getting new cars, new apartments and real furniture...and im at home, getting up every day to log onto my class, spend an entire day doing so, then logging off and going to bed,...... If this doesnt work and i cant move on, what will I do. What if no jobs open or are left, what if i dont ever get to be a nurse? I have no idea what im supposed to do with my life in either aspect. If i do pass, the best option is to move to kentucky since i have a sure bet at a job there ...unlike anywhere else. I still want to live in cinci and work at cinci childrens but maybe my plans arent Gods.
ive been praying obsessively to make His plan known to me, how to use me in whatever way he can, and im terrified that means Im not supposed to be a nurse after all this time and effort....but i dont know.....
i want to go back to nicaragua i think about it all the time. Im so jealous Laura is going back. I wish it was financially possible.... Its rediculous that i have to have money to help others...how can i do this when im in a rut?
i just dont know what is expected of me. what am i supposed to be doing ??? why am i failing when ive never failed? why am i struggling with something im passionate about?
the economy sucks but ive always had faith that if this is what im supposed to be doing like i believe then i will land a job because it is His will...but its not happening and maybe i shouldnt be getting restless and second guessing because thats what faith is about andmaybe mine is just being teseted. but i really wish a white dove would fly down with a message to me from the Lord giving me step my step instructions on what my future holds....
i imagine it would be like this
step one : apply here (name hospital)
step two : Wear this to your interview (pic of outfit)
step three : say these things
step four : land job
step 5 : move here : apartment or house address

why cant life be that easy?

so im sick again, and once again im sick at my boyfriends which always seems to happen. I was praying and praying it was just allergies but as it got worse, regardless of allergy medicine, and my sinuses began to plug it was evident that this was more than just allergies and a cold rather. so now im in bed at my boyfriends, hes out playing cards. such a life. id rather he be out so i can rest and sleep. Its weird how much alike we are but when it comes to sleep, he doesnt need more than 5 hours a night..while i need at least 8 - 12 with a nap throughout the day. i feel sick if i am up past 11 and he can go to bed at 4 and be up at 7 with no trouble at all. wow. im not even jealous because i looooove sleep.

on the job front, the health dept. needs my transcipts before i can drop off the app and interview. so im not sure if i should wait until the HESI grade is fixed because right now it looks like i have an F on my grades and i dont think that would look very well in a competitive market. hm.

the stuff for the course was mailed out last friday so i can begin it as soon as i get it. Im thinking this weekend. Mom will be out of town and ill have the place to myself for a week to really buckle down and get to work on this. I cant wait to pass it!! what a victory it will be! im ready to get to work as well with this class. not having school or work or anything is fun for like 2 days then im B O R E D. Im just ready to do something important with myself!!!! i know i need to be resting and i havent been considering my mono and all the illnesses i keep getting., but its just so boring to lay around and rest all the time! especially when its been as nice as its been. In kentucky weve been outside almsot every day on the farm, cooking out, taking walks. We are seriously so blessed with a beautiful world to enjoy. Proof of God and his love for us! i cant even imagine how Heaven will be when this world is as beautiful as it is....although thats not true everywhere. Laura is going to Nicaragua again and i am sooooo jealous. i would love to go back! i serously feel like there is so much more for me to do there. my work will never be done! i dont think its financially possible and im not even sure where ill bei n august in terms of a job or living circumstances...i just wish with my whole heart it was possible. Nicaragua is the most wonderiful thing I have ever done . I think of it most everyday day and the experiences i had. What an amazing journey.

im really tired, this nyquil is kicking in so im going to nap.

if you want a good movie recommendation, i highly recommend Marley & Me, although you need a big box of tissues for it. its a really good story =)

I got up early today so that i could hurry up and wait. was supposed to go to kentucky but now im not leaving till 2 because bf has something now to do that he just informed me of, i could get into the politics of this but i wont.

i realized i never blogged the story of Stormy my new mechanic. so ill do that.

about 3 weeks ago, i had a meeting with my peri-op class on a friday, after this meeting i was going to go to kentucky to see my bf and because it was his neice's birthday whom i promised with my whole heart i would be at her party because she asked and begged for me to come. i guess kids love me or something. buT ANYWAYS, after the class i stopped to get gas, then I realized i had forgotten something at home, so i ran home, got what i forget, and when i got back into my car it wouldnt start. so i started freaking out a bit, ran inside to get the little car jumper my dad got me, but when i tried to hook it up i couldnt find the postive connector on my battery so i realized the jumper thing was dead, i searched my car and of course i dont have jumper cables, and i really had no idea what i was doing lets face it. SO i called my dad which i always do in times like this and of course he thinks im just turning the key wrong, and he thinks it might be the starter, so he tells me to start calling some shops, so i do that and all of them are telling me that cant get the car until monday or tuesday and thats too late for me i wouldnt make it to the party and lets face it the car is stuck in the drive way and needs to be moved because leah has to go to work! i got places to be! so i tell dad this and recommends that i try to jump it and ask a neighbor to help me. So i went to the neighbors and rang the doorbell, there was no answer, so i figured either Hanna (the nurse next door who works nights) must have been sleeping, so i ran to my downstairs neighbors, knocked and waited and realized no one was home. As i did that i heard the next door neighbors open the door and shut it, so i ran back over there, knocked this time, and Hanna comes to to door looking like she just woke up, i apologized for that but she said it was the UPS man who woke her up, which really was me 10 minutes prior, not the UPS man but hey, let her think that! I told her my car wouldnt start and so she got Ben, her brother in law to come out and jump my car with his jeep. He has on combat boots and short shorts ( i dont know) and then he manually pushes my car into the street (wow) and he proceeds to connect the thingys and TAA DAAA my car starts. He tells me that i just need to let it run, and drive it aruond and itll be fine. So Im like ya whatever and i get on my way to kentucky. im like 45 minutes into my drive when i reaize my car starts to overheat...which it does when its low on coolant, and i think i have a coolant leak as well as my oil leak, my car is just that awesome. I stop at a gas station in a little podunk town called North Baltimore, i mean we are literally in the middle of butt ass nowhere. and its a trucker gas station on 75. so i run inside get a cone and fill up with coolant, and then i get back in the car.....what do you think happens? You are right. tHE CAR WOULDNT START. so im freaking otu again...i go inside and ask the lady (who, to be friendly i will just desribe as your traditional small country town gas station attendent, let your imagination make of that what it will) if they sell jumper cables. she doesnt know, and asks her husband who is in the back in the office (he happens to be the manager, and has winged hair...sidenote: winged hair is when then man has a buzz on the sides but the top layer is long and parted down the middle and kind of hangs over the buzzed sides) he shows me where they are, i purchase them and then ask him if he would mind using them. so he drives his old ass truck to my car, tries it out and then when it doesnt work he decides to get his wifes oldsmobile and tries it again then admits he knows nothing about cars. im just sitting there watching. he then goes over and asks all of the people currently at the gas station getting gas, cigs, or lottery tickets to come over and take a look. so now im sitting in my car with about 15 people around the front of the car trying to figure it out. a woman with a mullet, and a mom sweatshirt (sidenote: a mom sweatshirt is a sweatshirt that doenst have a hood) gray with mickey mouse on the front, grey spandex sweatpants, and tennis socks pulled up over the sweatpants with white LA sneakers takes to me and starts talking me as i am on the phone trying to talk to my dad. she tells me she has a daughter my age but she makes her take peper spray everywhere, recommends this to me, is shock i am on my own driving so far, and invites me to dinnerat her house, but reassures me that i am safe. some of the people decide that its my started, others think my battery is dead, and some are just plain confused. so the gas station manager tells me he is going to call the town mechanic names "Stormy" ....he calls him, and within 10 minues Stormy and his son Stormy Jr. pull in . they take a look at my car. Stormy takes a very large wrench thing and starts beating the side of my car with it. im just in shock at this point, he looks up at me and says "its your starter"...these are the only words i have ever heard stormy say. so stormy and the manager make a deal, he stormy and stormy jr. hook my car up to his and take it away. i am now stranded at this gas station. i go inside and sit down, the manager offers me cookies his wife baked, i politely decline although i am starving, i just didnt feel right eating. the manager takes my dads credit card, charges it and gives me the money to pay for the work being done. I wait and wait and wait. i watch an underage thug try to steal cigarattes, but this woman practically jumps over the counter and gets them back, i get to know a lot of the town folk, a few people stop my (including the mullet lady) several times to get lottery tickets and then turn the winners in for more lottery tickets thus is a neverending process of more and more lottery tickets, and then a man comes in and just hangs out at the gas station everyday, he does some cleaning and coffee making there for free, and he says he even mows the law around the gas station for free, he just likes to help out , got nothing else to do. 3 hours pass and stormy returns with my car. charges me 160 $ ....pretty cheap, gives me his phone number and his son tells me to call him anytime to get work done on my car if i am ever in trouble, they travel as far as Michigan. and i take off, on my way, to kentucky and i made it to the birthday party. I will forever hold the residents and gas station of North Baltimore in my heart.

Happy Mothers Day

i cant stop crying,
i wish i could relive the past day, it was so wonderful.
graduating was such a weird experience, it was like i was playing dress up with a rather ugly black gown. and my family was so wonderful, it was so nice to spend time with all of them and see how proud they are of me. Im glad i could make them proud.
and then there is my beautiful boyfriend who drove all the way to see me graduate in a car on the verge of breaking down, and he left this morning and i just cant believe how fast it went by, now i wont see him for a little while and i feel like the past day weve grown even closer which is so unbelievable to experience. this relationship constantly surprises me in how it grows and changes, just when you think youre in love it becomes deeper and a new understanding of what love is surfaces. and God, do i love him, and i know he loves me.
and now i just cry and cry and cry because im all alone in this apartment trying to get out of here so ican go home and not be remined of the fun i had with him in the place ive hated for so long, i dont want to look at the couch where we watched tv, or the bed we slept in, or anything else! I just want to be home with people who love me....with anyone who loves me, or in kentucky but thats not possible.
i never thought anyone would love me like this. i didnt even believe love like this existed. i hate to not be able to live without someone. its so rough.
and i wishi could control my emotions somehow and i cant, and the fact that the clothes inthe dryer wont dry faster adn that there is another load waitinng to be dried and this is keeping me from going anywhere is just killing me right now and making me cry harder.
all of my support system is gone and i feel so alone, ugh these damn tears.

I know i have been so mia lately. I just cant believe the crazyness of life. I feel like this semester has been such a slack on my part. In every aspect. Looking back on the mono, and boyfriend, and classes...its just been a whirlwind. Im finishing with an all time low GPA, because I got a C in adult health (being the bubble mishap that happened) and an F in the compentency course because of the failed HESI...but that grade will be replaced when i take this course this summer. My gpa will take a dip but hopefully not too low because i really want to do grad school...but i can partition my way in if it dips too low. I guess i shouldnt really beat myself up about it, i cant change it now ....even if i wish i could. But wishing such things is a waste of time.
in actuality I am graduating tomorrow . I am done with my bachelors and undergraduate degree. This 5 year ride is over.
Last night we went on our nursing bar crawl in bg, which i did not over drink at because im my recent distaste of drunkness ....but i found myself so nystalgia and sad at the way things chance. Junction, the bar of my first 3 years, was closed. I spend every wednesday there for 3 years, at country night, drinking on the porch illigally, hiding the x's on my hands, and going to the bathroom to sneak beers i had piled into my purse, watching bands and meeting up with the alpha sigs with my favorite chi o girls. Making out with random boys on the porch, and eating the free hotdogs they served all summer, and we wont forget the time i made out with the bartender who gave me free pitches of beer, which were always taken away from me by the guys who looked out after Leah and I. And then we passed the ally we used to wait for each otehr when we got separated from the group, we passed the clocktower that we referred to as Big Ben, and MAC beach we sat on when there were fire alarms at our dorm, My sorority house which was both the worst and best times of my life, east merry where we chalked all over the boys porch, wooster street which is the place of all the best move in parties...its so sad that this is over . but its time to move on.
i still have no idea what im doing with my life. but im heavily considering moving to kentucky because of the job opening at the health department. But for summer i am going to be babysitting a 10 month old girl and a 4 year old girl for 3 days a week adn then in june for 5 days a week only 5 hours a day to give me time to study for teh hesi. We had a class meeting and it sounds like this class is going to be pretty intense. the quote frm the teacher was "you've been getting dessert, well im going to give you meat" but that makes me happy because i need something to challenge me thats going to actually work and have results.
im so exciting to see my family and mark tomorrow for graduation. sooooo excited! im sad that some people cant come because of work but they are always with me! and ill celebrate with them in my own time!

i think that pretty much sums up my feelings right now.

happy summer!

Heard an owl during meditation and prayer (magic).
thought that might be a good omen so i googled it...
Throughout many cultures, the symbolic meaning of owl deals with:

intelligence
brilliance
perspective
intuition
quick-wit
independence
wisdom
protection
mystery
power
Native American tribes (primarily plains’ Indians) viewed the owl as a protector against harm and their feathers were ritually worn to ward of evil spirits.

Ancient Athenians made the owl an emblem of wisdom and even emblazed the image of the owl on their coinage. To the ancient Greeks, the owl is a symbol of Athene who is goddess of foresight & knowledge.

Taking symbolism from the owl directly, it is noteworthy that it is a creature of the night. Nocturnal creatures are symbolic of inner-knowing, psychic ability, and intuition - so too is the owl.

If an owl has visited you, an incredible gift has been bestowed. Also, keep in mind that animals are only called to those who share the same energy. In other words, you hold within you some of the very same symbolic attributes the owl represents.

To illustrate, you may have abilities to know things that others do not know. It may be likely you have very strong intuitive abilities that can be fine-tuned. Further, you may be strong-willed person, and/or have a protective side to you. I can already tell from your email that you are mentally sharp - so we know you have this in common with the owl already.

These owl sightings may be messages for you to develop your education further.





good sign?

Its near 70 degrees outside, i got to wear a t-shirt today and i delightfully chose my SEATTLE t-shirt, hoping this would uplift my mood as i knew where i would spend the entire beautiful saturday...THE LIBRARY
yes my friends i am at the library since 2 pm, it is now 7 and i have done around 600 preparation NCLEX questions to study for the upcoming HESI on friday which i HAVE to pass to graduated (not to mention this is my second attempt) . I have high hopes, my scores are improving on the practice quizzes but im still sad that im not in the sunshine...
i watched Rachel Getting Married last nigh and Slumdog the other day...of the two would prefer slumdog but both are amazing ! Tonight for a break I am meeting Nicaragua Laura to watch The Boy In the Stripped Pajamas
I apologize for not updating as much as i would like, the end of the year and my college career has found me busy beyond all belief...but im still rolling along! 2 more weeks of classes and i am DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! who can believe it????

We're all here just trying to live our lives
Pay our electric bills and spending up our time
There ain't a friend to be found
Who can't break through the concrete clouds
When the rain when the rain comes crashing down
Ooh yeah
Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright oh yeah
Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright baby
Ooh

i have a terrible cold and missed surgery today. I have ICU observation tomorrow at clinical so i wont have to do much so i should be okay. im starting to feel a little bit better now, jsut medicating myself. getting sleep.
this past weekend was awesome. I had a good second interview, really enjoyed the floor and hopefully ill hear back this week! im anxious to know!!! i really want the job now!
I spent another great weekend in ky, went to mark's gma's birthday party and then on sunday we went out on the lake and had a bon fire at 2 am...did a night walk as well.
its weird for me to be out in the country and enjoying myself. ive always been such a city girl, never thought id feel so at home out in the country, but i really do and i feel so sad when im away from there. I miss mark when im not with him, it sucks...long distance is terrible.
i wishi could jsut go down there every weekend, but i cant be that girl
on friday i am going to go home because Tony is home from air force training for 2 weeks before he heads for his station in alaska. im excited to see him !
other than that nothing else is really new. im just hoping to hear back about the job
the weeks are getting down to the wire and the HESI is 2 weeks away....im so terrified...i feel like this are in a whirlwind right now, im struggling to keep up ..bad time to get a cold...but im excited to say i bought my cap and gown...guess this graduation thing is real...wow.

wow. its been a while.
spirng break was amazing. I had a wonderful family oriented birthday, with a surprise party which was fabulous !! I have never tasted a better chocolate cake.
I went to my dads after that and saw my family there. which was fun. I miss my daddy and he is so awesome.
Then i had my interview at Christ Hosp in cinci. Which went well. Although, they informed me they are no longer hiring in the Geri unit, and instead asked me if i was interested in interviewing for psych....i said yes. I need a job so bad that ill do anything and at least this will get my foot in the door. Im still keeping options open and praying praying praying for NICU or the best option for me. I have a second interview this friday which sucks that i have to drive back but gives me an excuse to go back to Mark's this weekend =). After i left the hospital i thought my car sounded funny so i pulled over sort of across the street frm the hosp. in a apt. parking lot...totally ghetto, not the nicest part of town. And i had a flat tire. Looking totally preppy in my express pants and a sweater over a blouse with my headband and straightened hair....little white girl. I must say, after a little crying freak out missed with laughter to my ever so patient boyfriend, i handled it quite well. I spent my new birthday money on a tow truck and a new tire. fabulous.

i spent the rest of my break in kentucky. went to the old farm that mark's family used to live on. hiked threw the woods...so crazy. I seriously was in awe. Im amazed by the land and the beauty of it. it made me fall in love 200002080915 times more.

Im so amazed by my life, the way things are working out so flawlessly...the amount of happiness i have within me and the love i feel and have. im looking forward to the summer, and starting something new. its so exciting!!!!


today in clinical preceptor i held a sigmoid colon in my hands...it was pretty sweet....thats all the news i have on the clinical front!

I got to go watch american idol and see who gets the boot...carrie underwood is seriously amazing

that is all!!! ill write more lata!

i think i was up all night, im not really sure.
off to precept in the OR! sooo tired. but excited i think. Hopefully ill have good stories!


p.s. please excuse previous posting as a combination of things upsetting me and not one specific thing or person....thank you, and have a great day!




oh and....blessed be! ;)

The neighbor brought over a larger tv, they thought my little dorm room one wasnt big enough. Which it wasnt but I thought it did the job. Its nice to have a big tv....dont have to squint as much.

Ive been moody lately. I think restless. Ive been thinking about the future, and growing up, and overall annoyed with people who arent doing the same. Im just in a place where the future isnt so far off and i have to think about things in a more adult like fashion. Its not live for the moment, pleasure, or whimming it anymore. Im applying for jobs, graduating from school, assuming responsibility for things that i dont even understand.

I want things in my life. I have an idea of what i want. and i dont understand why dont agree. If you want me, you want my ideas as well they are the core of who i am. Im so angry and frusterated with this force that pushes me. Im so sick of questioning this. Im so pissed off. i just want to not care. why do we ever have to care? im calling this the 3 week curse. when you are away from someone you love for so long you forget the things that make it good and start to feel bad. ugh i just wish this bug would go away. i just need the weekend to hurry here,
i NEED a break from school.
i NEED to be with my family.

greer and i are still looking into europe, thinking of not doing the contiki tour but doing it on our own . she has family in london and knows someone currently living in barcelona, so it would only be paris and italy that wed be on our own to have to pay for hostels which run about 25-30 a night. it might be cheaper to do it this way.
kate is calling...........

Today is the last day of February.
Which means, I have only 2 more months of school.
I cant believe how fast this semester is going so far. Half over already.
Next week I am starting my preceptorship at St. Charles in the OR. Im kind of looking forward to it, even though I dont beleive the OR is for me But ill give it my best chance.
This past week in clinical was a crazy one. I was extremely busy. I had a patient that I had once before, she was readmitted with terrible hemmroids/rash and pressure sores on her buttocks. So i spent a majority of the day putting cream on her butt and hearing her yell in pain. She had bloody diarrhea and it was all over my gloved hand and she even farted the most nasty smelling fart on my hand, i was gagging. But i had empathy for her, the last time i took care of her she was in much better health. she slept a majority of the day and didnt seem as social as she had in times before. I liked the chance to have a patient twice. In clinical we usually never ever get to do this and i think it makes a difference in yoru approach because you can compare how they are day to day and know truly how they are feeling. My other patient was a lovely older man who was getting a kidney removed. He was so delightful, i really enjoyed him. I had the opportunity to insert a catheter into his roommate which was great. Im finally getting all these skills into practice.

My birthday is in one week, i cant believe im going to be 23!!!! Im excited to spend it with my family and boyfriend. And over spring break which is going to be lovely to rest and see people i love. I am so ready for it! And my interview! which im suprising not nervous about at all, thats probably a good thing.

other than that im just studying and getting ready for the HESI which i am sooooo worried about. I just really want to pass it the first time and not have to stress about it. I just wish there was a secret i could be let in on regarding it. but its so hush hush. They just say "practice Nclex questions" which im doing but not at a passing rate.....scarry.

Still debating the Europe trip...it sound like itll be about 3500 to get over there for the trip and flight and then i guess id need spending money. Its something i really really want but really really cant afford i just dont know when the opportunity to spend 20 days abroad would present itself again. UGHHH. what to do.

Just to let everyone know, i may have my uterus extracted today.

damn being a female!

grrr

i have lots to write about.
il start with clinical stories, im sure those are always loved. I finally got baack to the hospital after being gone for mono and then having to go to surgery observation. I went to my instructor's tuesday group which is for the clinical nurse leaders...which is basically people that graduated from college with a bachelors in ANYTHING but now has decided to go back to school for nursing...kinda weird ....but to each there own,
anyways on that day one of my patients was getting discharged and was kind of morose, and he had MRSA contact precautions. He got MRSA from a tattoo. My other patient was a doll. She was 91, looked about 75 and had CHF with pulmonary embolism and was scheduled for greenfield filter placement . I spent most of my time talking with her and her daughter. she loved to talk to me, seemed really lonely and hungry for company. she made me miss the nursing home. I had a good time and it went by really fast. I felt like a good nurse.
On thursday I went back and had 2 new patients who this time both had MRSA contact precautions. one in her nose the other i wasnt sure frm what. so weird. its jsut running rampid . Im sure i have it in my nose, remaining dormant. it seems a majority of people on the floor have it n ow. My little old lady from 2 days before was still there, i visited her, she was doing well and looking to go home in a day or so. which made her happy. when i left her bedside i overheard her tell her daughter "she is so lovely, i really like her, shes a good nurse" that made me feel good.
my instructor came to find me later and asked if I wanted to drop my first NasoGastric tube. I was nervous, I had never done one before. The woman needing one was in her 80's and was having persistant vommitting. I had another girl in my group watching me as i did it. It was pretty smooth. Although after it was done, i felt terrible because the patient started tearing up, and I could tell it was a traumatic experience for her, being so sick and having to go through that. It made me sad, it was a moment of "do i really want to do this???" I felt like, though i am essentially helping her, i am also hurting her, and i loved her too much to hurt her because she seemed so sweet caring and sick i would have rather hugged her than shove a tube through her nose to her stomach. But she did say this was easier than the first time she had had it done, which made me feel a little better. After iw as done i had to hurry back to my patients who were ready for afternoon meds. It made me feel bad for not having time to spend with the NG tube lady, i was just a stranger who came into her room, inflicted pain adn left. I wish i could go back and actually get to know her better, she had her own nurse though at her bedsie and family there....im sure they comforted her.
then last week at clinical, i had one good patient, who i got to start my first IV on, which i did successfully with blood return! But she had easy veins....so it was the perfect patient. My other patient was not so lovely. She was 92 and completely out of it she couldnt talk just grumbled and didnt seem to know what was going on, refused to eat, pretended like she couldnt hear me and she tried to hit me a few times. NOT fun! I tried my best to be empathetic to her , but it was difficult.
Clinical is going good, i feel like my instructor really tries to give us all opportunities to do skills we havent done, which is the first time ive had an instructor like that...its cool.
I have my first interview scheduled for spirng break at christ hospital for a new grad position in the geriatric acute care unit. Although i kind of got it out of my system wanting to do geriatrics, and isntead have been aiming towards pediatrics or nicu.....its a job opportunity in this terrible economy where those are few and far in between it seems.
God has his plan for me, and maybe geriatrics is where I am supposed to be...
we shall see!!!

tka

i saw a knee surgery last thursday. i dont know why it just occured to me that i havent written about it.
i arrive to toledo hospital for my OR observation day for my medsurg clinical. i got there about 7 right when things are getting started. i actually had about 15 minutes before i had to be there....luckily. my paper said to go to the south visitor elevator...i found the elevators i believed her the south ones, took them to the second floor...i took the left, then the immediate right...and i was looking over a balcony and not at two double blue doors. panick sets in as a i realize i am so lost. i somehow entered the childrens hospital instead of the main hospital OR....i went back the way i came, found a security guard...who drew a map for me and directed me to where i needed to go...bless his heart.
i found the blue double doors, i went through them to the OR world.
i walked up, in my white scrubs in a world of green scrubs, to the nurses station...there were about 10 people huddle around it looking at schedules, getting barked out orders, loud and absolutely crazy...after 3 minutes i decided i was at the wrong station..and started to go further down the hallway until a large sign said "DO NOT ENTER IN STREET CLOTHES, PROPER ATTIRE ONLY"....i stopped in my tracks, i looked down.....not wearing street clothes, but i remember hearing that i needed to change and what if im not supposed to go back there , i already stick out like a sore thumb so i cant act like im just blending in.....so i make the decision to go back to the crazy nurses station which is actually like an over populated zoo exhibit....i muster up all the courage i have and say "excuse me"....no one pays attention....a little louder this time "EXCUSE ME, IM LOOKING FOR THE RN EDUCATOR".....a women on the phone, with a hairnet on that has a separated compartment for her banana bangs looks at me and says "yah, me too". I realize this is all im going to get. Banana bang lady tells me to go change. I look at her dumbstruck, where am i supposed to go, where are the clothes, what the hell am i even doing here?
she says to take a door on the right, go up the stairs, all the way down the hallway and theres the womens room.....so, i go....pass the door...then turn around and go back...find the door...take it...go up the stairs....down a long hallway....and i successfully find the locker room....there are scrubs right when i walk in ...all mixed sizes, i had to dig through them to find a size that wasnt XS or XXXXL ......L top, M bottom...and im changed......i head back to where i came from...now im just one of them at teh nurses station...the sea of green loud people. with a hairnets. but now the nurse educator has arrived....and shes nice, not like banana bangs...she asks me where im from and my name is, obviously had no idea who was going to be there today because she called me heather at first, because thats who was coming in the afternoon. I told her i am there till 11 am. So she decides a TKA would be good for me to see. She takes me through hallways of people, carts, beds, running, commotion...to the OR room ill be in. gives me shoe covers, a mask, and eye shields in case, you know, blood splashes. to puts me in a corner in the OR room...and leaves me. I stand there....moving periodically when someone needs to get into the cabinent behind me.and i observe.
the anesthesiologist is southern. he teaches me two things that the number 1 RESTRICTIVE lung disease is obesity...and the arterial O2 is 65 when the venous is 90. the surgeons assistants are okay. but the surgeon. a dick. he makes sexual jokes about everyone including me...calling one of the assistants a tripod. and starts to lift the obese woman's leg and makes comments like "how much do you think this weighs"
the surgery itself was cool. in between the jokes of "dont pass out now!" ...and "are you okay?" or "are you pregnant?? are you looking to get pregnant because he'll help yo out"....i liked the blood, and seeing the bones, and muscle in person. the woman just snores away. honestly though, as cool as it was to see, i was bored after 5 minutes. and here is what i learned about surgical nursing. 1) the circulator nurse basically sits on her ass. 2) the scrub nurse works her ass off and getrs bitched at by the surgeon.

needless to say, surgery is only fun if you are a surgeon.

i followed the patient to recovery where i met the nicest nurse i have ever mat in PACU. she was soooo helpful and nice and sweet and very much the nurse i would want to be. the PACU was interesting, its funny how people are on anesthesia, but its also dangerous with some. i think it would be fun to work there....definitely not a snooze fest.
after that it was 11 and with out any idea how to find the RN educater or Banana bangs...i just found my back back to my things, changed (WITH A MAN, in the dressing room for some unknown reason), and went about my way...

on the way out a women asked me how to get to the south elevators...i laughed....and told her i had no idea, im just a student and i dont know.....i love that i can use that excuse still.

I am an applying machine. I have applied for jobs left and right all over the place. i have to hear from someone soon. But i am still praying for the NICU job at cinci childrens. Laura said she knows someone that works there and will talk with them about it. Its just something ifeel in my gut i want to do so badly. I just hope it works out.
A lot of new grad jobs are avaible in places like Texas, Washington DC, and Cali. no place i want to live. I bit the bullet and applied to a place in Florida, and some in Nashville and one in kentucky. I just really want to stay within 5 hours of home. Ohio is my favorite place in the world. Im a avid traveler, but ohio is home.

Greer called to invite me to visit her in Cali over spring break, to tour around with her and her sister. Im considering it because the flight is only 200$ which isnt very bad. but i had already made some plans that i would have to cancel to go which makes me feel guilty...Greer has decided she wants to go to Europe with me if its still an option. This means id obviously have to take out a huge loan. I just cant pass this opportunity up. But the idea of getting futher in dept, and possibly not getting a job scares me. However, when will this opportunity ever present itself and when will this type of self discovery ever present itself?
maybe ill just give it time, see if a job lines up, if it does then see if i can start work in july and take june to travel.
i am going on vacation with my mother as a graduation present teh first week of june. I am so excited. i know it would be amazing and such a great time to do anything with my mother!

in other news, in one week ill be back in kentucky and it cant come soon enough. I miss him soooooo much. my best friend so far away. its been really hard being away from each other this time. I think it gets harder and harder each time. I hate it. But im really really happy, i just wish we could see each other more often. He is considering joining the air force which at first i was totally opposed to but the more and more we talk about it, it seems like a realyl good idea and its getting me excited. I just love him. end of story.

nothing else exciting is really happening here. I saw "he's just not that into you" which i was hilarious, every girl should see it...its a bit dramatic and over dramatized and kind of has a predictable ending but its good..

this next week is going to be crazy, i have a test on monday covering diabetes, kidney, pacreas, and lungs....should be hard!!! tuesday i am making up clinical that i missed because of mono (aka 5 am wake up call), then thursday i have my regular scheduled clinical (another 5 am call) , and then friday is class and my skill testing for sterile gowning for my surgery clas. such a stressful week followed by the valentines weekend with my boy and his boy! so get through the week of hell and have a great weekend!

these shoes will be mine someday.

of all the moods i have been in, this would not be the best, not the worst but not the best
im starting to freak out about NCLEX and HESI i had a dream i got an 846 on the HESI , need an 850 to pass it.
I talked to the HR dept from Cinci childrens that called me about the NICU position i applied for. The woman reported that all the new grad positions have been filled. They will be filling new grad floor nurses at the end of summer. NICU is the only place that hasnt hired new grads, but isnt look to yet. SHe said she is pushing them to make the decision to start interviewing new grads because she has several interested applicants. She said to keep in contact with her but usually they dont make this choice until April. I could look at this as promising, but i dont really.
i called Christ hosp back since they called me about the app i put in for the geriatric unit. they didnt answer b ut i left a message
im just worried, everyone is hiring but not new grads.
its just a weird position to be in, on the brink of adultland. I feel like everyone around me should be on the same page and there not.
Im starting to define the things i want for myself, and in my life. the future that i envision in terms of career, friendships, travelling, relationships, and family.

to embark on a deep thought:
How do you know if the love you have is enough. Sometimes people do things that we dont agree with but we cant control them. Controlling someone into living the life you envision for them and for you isnt love. But at the same time you want them to want the same things you do. How do you figure that out. Do you just walk away when its not 100% perfect. do you make compromises? What are the deal breakers in relationships. how do you define them? What if you turn your back on something that could be wonderful because of a deal breaker that you feel is so important but in reality and the grand scheme of things it is miniscule in comparision to the happiness you would feel if you chose to be more open minded. If one person sees something as inherently horrible and another as something that is okay and maybe good who is right? are they both right? how do you compromise that?
if you believe something is okay for some and not for others are you being judgemental and close minded. are we all equal. do the rules apply to everyone.

lets apply this. I think sky diving is foolish. if a someone not close to me wants to go sky dive, more power to them, it doesnt bother me. but if my mother does, id flip....thats just not going to happen, id have to stop her.

maybe not a severe enough example.

but maybe things arent as bad when they dont involve people we care about. but when it gets close to home, we have an opinion.

is this making any sense?