In the mood to blog. i dont know what it is. its been such a long time which seems to be the same introductory statement i use for every blog ive done in the
past as they got fewer and farther in between. today is that day before new years eve. the year is almost over and i greet this with intense anxiety regarding all the things that are ahead! such as : my wedding, which inclused a ton of planning, my honeymoon, which also includes planning, finances for both!!!! planning will be done from kentucky with several trips to ohio which is being impaired by our inability to have reliable transportation . i have to drop my car off on monday to get fixed after some body damage recently, illl have a rental though so ill have to come back to cleveland in like 2 weeks to swap again.,..marks car is constantly having trouble and is currently in the shop despite having been told it would be done monday the part is still not in . mark is supposed to leave tomorrow to come to new years eve here with mason and see my family however its becoming evident this will be hard to achieve with no car...hopefully we can figure something otu as i feel constantyl shafted by not having mark around my family due to stupid issues such as this that always seem to arise around the time of my families plans...such as a blizzard on christmas eve preventing him coming with me which caused a separeted christmas,...hopefully now we dont have a separated new years eve...i dont know what it is that the fates are against mark coming up...it would be easy to blame him but i know these things are out of out control. i just wish it could be easier instead of me being constantly let down. i just wish it wasnt so far.
my new years plans are to spend time in mansfield at my dads with af ondue party similar to the way it was when i was younger...this is the first year in many i havent spent it with friends downing drinks and listening to music/bands in a pretty dress. im looking forward to it because truth be told ive missed being with my family. so a fondue party is what it is going to be.
when i get back to kentucky its time to start applying to grad school again. i only applied to two schools last year, didnt get into one and got into the other but it was a masters program with actual classes instead of being online so i couldnt swing that with my night schedule at the time, and honestly couldnt with my new job either sicne the clases were during the day and i am monday through friday. so i heard of some other schools i can apply to in addition to retrying the one i didnt get into since id idnt have much experience but now i have another year under my belt to try again and all of those programs are online so hopefully next fall ill be entering my nurse practioner program. its hard settling with family as i really think about doing more acute things than diagnosing infections but i feel itll be a good base with all the health reform coming up an esitmated like 30.000 are going to be getting insurance that dont have it now and there with be a hiring deand for pcp . so i think itll be smart to go that route...dreaming can continue and possibly i can change later and get specializations in more acute areas. i dont know. im constantly dreaming and thinking.
if only icould control the world lol
welll im gonna try and keep this up. its a good relief to get things out and i like to write its just hard when life becomes so routine post college and the day to day thing just goes by and before you know it days are weeks and weeks are months...time just flies on by. i need to slow down a bit and enjoy every moment as it lasts.

Went and saw Eat Pray Love tonight and it took me back to when i first read it and determined to live my life according to that book. to travel the world and marvel. i be passionate about live and wake up in the morning with the zest and aura that surrounds me. to be in love with life itself and at peace.

i got sad for a while thinking about how i just go to work every night and sleep away my days and try to recooperate. what do i do of passion, what have i made of my life. i live in a small kentucky town . not rome.

im engaged to a man and getting married in the spring. im going to be a wife and stepmother and hopefully a mother someday, i want to go to grad school and be a np. i dont want to get wrapped up in a job and become a body that just goes through the motions and one day wakes up wondering where am i i am numb,

i told mark i was a little frusterated internally after this movie. "what do i do thats so awesome?" i asked him

he told me that made him sad tha ti had to wonder about my life. he told me i help people get better, i give love to him and i give love to mason and i am with him and he is my family and that is something huge.

that opened my eyes.

i may not travel the world, but i hope to, and i hope to do it wiht my family that i am justbeginning at 24.

i am a firm believer now that you can love your life and not have to leave it to learn how.

so tomorrow i am determined to wake up with passion again

i realize i havent blogged in a while but ive gotten the itch again
on wednesday night i was pulled to the icu. i usually hate this because its just foreign territory where there are shark nurses who have been doing their job for a while and as a newbie they have a way of making you feel embarressed for not know things. they gave me a patient i had taken care of before on stepdown so that was fine with me. i felt capable. then an transfer came and they asked me to take it. i did. it was a little old woman who came in with abd. pain and apparently had a bowel obstruction, she had turned for the worse by aspirating and getting pneumonia and was going to need to be on a bipap. she was a dnr /dni so it seemed like an easy case. well she came down and her husband came with her. and at one look at this couple and my heart just melted. after assessing this woman and starting her medications her husband of 69 years asked if he could stay the night because he didnt want to dry the 1 hour home in the dark...of course i let him and made him a bed. hes the kind of guy that would be starving, and when you ask if he would like something to eat would say no just to keep from inconveniencing anyone. he told me he was a farmer adn had been out on the fields the day before but his wife had been sick that day, so he stayed with her and brought her in to the ER. quickly i learned that this woman was not doing good, her heart began to go out of rhythm into runs of vtach then she converted into afib. her mental status declined and it became obvious that her time was limited. we explain to the husband and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "so shes getting worse" i shook my head and explained yes. he stood up, with his cane and asked if he could hold her hand, would it make a difference , will she know hes still tehre...i told him i believe she does, and i believe she will know you are there. i pulled a chair up and lowered her bed so that he could sit next to her and hold her hand,,, she wasnt very responsive but she did wake up a few times and look at him and i asked if she knew he was there adn she said yes. the husband told me they married after her 16th birthday, on december 22nd....told me she wanted to make it to her 70th anniv but wasnt sure she would now. they had 5 kids, lost one to brain cancer and had 3 boys and 1 girl surviving. the girl was born a few days before their 1st wedding anniv and she honored them in their marriage by getting married on the same day. this man clearly loved his wife. i could tell just by looking at the way he looked at her that he still saw this beautiful young 16 year old girl he fell inlove with in that hospital bed. he pulled me aside and i hugged him as he told me that he didnt want to lose her but didnt want to see her suffer, that she wouldnt want to suffer. he just wanted her to be peaceful. i cried with this man. as i left my shift she seemed to be improving as they do before they pass. i came in the next night and learned that she did pass away with her son and husband with her that afternoon.
i havent been able to stop thinking abotu them. this is love. that must be the ultimate gift of love, to let someone go and not put them through pain to keep them alive. to honor their wishes and yet be alone after 69 years this man is going to be all alone in his home, i cannot imagine being with mark that long and having to go through what this man did in 1 day and give him up after 69 years. theres such a history between them, a full life shared and now she is gone. my heart just breaks thinking about it.
i believe with my whole heart that she is in a better place adn will always be with her husband and that they will be reunited soon as he will join her and she must be so happy to be with her son she had to bury years before.
they were just so sweet, and cute and loving. it really taught me so much about the power of love. i felt so honored to be able to be their at this moment in their lives. to help this man grieve his wife and say goodbye. I hope to be loved that much in my own life.

checked out Molly @Glee

checked out Molly @Glee

sometimes i think up as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast. - alice

im thinking of blogging, thinking of things i want to talk about that are on my heart and mind. i just havent done it. im laying in bed right now and i should be sleeping in preparation for a nother night of work this evening. mark, mason and kaylin just left to go to beckys house. becks family was here last night , i made homemade pizza and we had a fun time! i really enjoyed it! my salad dressing was a hit which is so funny because its just a basic thing ive grown up with. Its funny but everwhere ive been in my life besides cleveland does not carry italian dressing as a stable salad dressing. i mean everwhere people think its like the grossest weirdest thing. i dont get it?? but im converting the world one by one. italian really s better.


i had abirthday and im another year older which is so wierd because i swear 2 months ago i turned 23 now its 24...whats happening'? it seems like life goes by faster and faster and althoughi enjoy every minute of the ride i wish it would all just slow down and let me catch my breathe.

im going to leave this at that for right now and take my nap so i can be awake tonight. im definitely making it my every intention to return here and start letting it out again. as i told my mom, its there when you need it...

offto work
i cried because i hate it
night shift.
i hate that i didnt sleep today because my boyfriend doesnt think its necessary
i hate that babies get crabby when there tired and all they do is cry about everything
i hate that i use the word hate
i should say dislake
i hate that im broke and i cant get some sour starburst
i hate that i work with crazy ass patients and not children
i hate that im not still in school
i hate that im pmsing adn all i can do is bitch
ugh.
off to save lives, or wipe butts, whatever happens first