when it rains it pours..i feel like this year is just a big "lets take a huge shit on molly and see how much she can handle before we have to involuntarily commit her"...i guess thats a little harsh but seriously the day warrents it considering.

yesterday i went to grafton to see my uncle who is away at "college" aka prison because of something i dont think warrants arrest (drug addiction). It was the first time I had seen him in over a year, and it was so wonderful, and eerie . He looked good! Not to upset since he isnt actually in prison but a working camp they put some inmantes in...where they work on this farm that the state owns. So he has more liberty and freedom and less rules but its not exactly the most wonderful place to be. Still seemed dark and dirty to me ....no air conditions, really hot. Anyways the room reminded me of an old gym in a catholic school, really tiny with that nasty yellow tile all around and yellow brick painted over with that shiny cover and fans and just dark dark dark, completely depressing. the cop told me and my nana to go to table 11....and the tables were not clearly marked but my uncle showed us the way...i sat at the head of the table and got yelled at because apparently the head seat is reserved for inmate use only? so i moved and then i notice that a women is filling up these vending machines. My nana hands me some change and gives me directions. Apparently this is quite the event.my uncle tells me that i have to get the pizza sub because its the only good thing...im confused by this because i didnt even know it was possible to get such food out of a machine, that just sounds disgusting. Well i get up, apprach the machines , and notice that apparently 30 or so other people are also doing the same....i felt like a parent at christmas trying to get a damn tickle me elmo...people breathing down my neck in line, waiting to see what im getting, how long itll take me, just rushing everyone along....i felt this anxiety to get a pizza sub from a vending machine...the guy next to me, in frnt of my mom is gettign wings....yes wings, he has about 8 bags stacked above the machine, and he jsut keeps going for more...this was crazy....i refused to go back up the machines after that....
but the visit was good, i felt feeling dirty, sad, and just completely and overwhelmingly tired.
so i went to bed last night, fully intending on being in a coma until late today, when i heard the maintenance man, whom i despise for good reason. Hes coming into my apartment to fix the huge hole he left for us when he moved our surge box....i send a telepathic message to Joey to bite his ankle....
so im still tired all day, pass out for a nap, go to nana's later for dinner, and realize my car is overheating...so i put some coolant in at Nana's
on the way back to my apt...it starts overheating again which is bizarre because of the coolant...so i start freaking out...im pretty close to home, so im wondering if i should just chance it, but then again i dont want to blow up....i pull over at the bank and then think is hould call my mom but my phone is deead because i left my charger at my dads last week......so im screwed...i put the hood up adn start flailing my arms on the side of York Rd. hoping my mom will drive by and see me,...which she does! she comes, picks me up and takes me back to the apt to call a shop...the shop up the street wont be able to look at it until thursday, maybe...not good for me...so we call another one farther away b ut this means ill have to have it towed...i arrange all this, the tow man tells me to put the key under the mat....and then i think, oh no, where is that key,.....and low and behold, in my frantic state, i locked my keys in the car.
mom grabs a wire hanger and we go back to the car...meet the tow man there...and he laughs at us trying tog et it with a wire, this nice man unlocked it for free. and he took my precious red baby away....(i hate that car, but i need to speak lovingly because she is all i have)
so now im carless...and im supposed to go to kentuckt this weekend. now if i was a normal person, if life didnt like kicking me in the ass and laughing at me...i wouldnt be worrying about this. becauese i would of passed the hesi, would have passed my boards, i would have a job, and i would have a new car that doesnt break down every 2 weeks, and life would probably be a whole lot nicer.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

needless to say, my scores are not improving, i do not feel i have learned anything through this class, i am completely unconfident, and considering new career options....but im taking the HESI on july 13th. desperately need a miracle....

i really am trying to be faithful, the have confidence....but i had boht those things the last 2 times and it didnt work so why would it now???

i know life could be a lot worse, and i should count my blessings ...i do know that...i know im a total debbie downer, but really i could use a freaking break...
if i pass this damn test, my life would improve 82307t58295727527387572857 percent.

how if only it could happen,.

im seriously considering paying a genious to do it for me....

im in a funk and nana thinks I am depressed because of my medicatin interactions but im just genuinely hating the way my days are spent on this damn computer all day with these student lessons and modules. i just want to MOVE ON!!!!!!! i honestly dont even care anymore...if i fail the next 2 times i really dont think i will carry anymore determination for nursing and will officially become a bum of some sort, a professional secretary...at least its something im good at from previous experience.

im just so beside myself with these crazy irrational thoughts waiting fro something miraculous to happen! its not happening!!! hello!!!

at the bridal shower/ bachelorette party...i learned one of the girls is going to mexico for a year living with some sort of christian organization working downt here helping people, she doesnt get payed but it sound like an amazing opportunity. this is something i should be doing, not sitting on my ass reveiwing modules that contain 49059859 slides a lesson and taking quizzes.

i loved the weekend it was a nice break but now im back in my funk, just wanting it to be over.

im going to kentucky this upcoming weekend, computer with me as well, cant get away from the "j o b"

UGH...JUST had to vent.
sorry;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg


i had a panic attack last night thinking about this Hesi and course and if I dont pass it. WHat would happen to me? I already feel like i am in such a rut, left behind my everyone. People are moving away, north carolina, florida, california, michigan...getting jobs in ICU and Pediatrics, getting new cars, new apartments and real furniture...and im at home, getting up every day to log onto my class, spend an entire day doing so, then logging off and going to bed,...... If this doesnt work and i cant move on, what will I do. What if no jobs open or are left, what if i dont ever get to be a nurse? I have no idea what im supposed to do with my life in either aspect. If i do pass, the best option is to move to kentucky since i have a sure bet at a job there ...unlike anywhere else. I still want to live in cinci and work at cinci childrens but maybe my plans arent Gods.
ive been praying obsessively to make His plan known to me, how to use me in whatever way he can, and im terrified that means Im not supposed to be a nurse after all this time and effort....but i dont know.....
i want to go back to nicaragua i think about it all the time. Im so jealous Laura is going back. I wish it was financially possible.... Its rediculous that i have to have money to help others...how can i do this when im in a rut?
i just dont know what is expected of me. what am i supposed to be doing ??? why am i failing when ive never failed? why am i struggling with something im passionate about?
the economy sucks but ive always had faith that if this is what im supposed to be doing like i believe then i will land a job because it is His will...but its not happening and maybe i shouldnt be getting restless and second guessing because thats what faith is about andmaybe mine is just being teseted. but i really wish a white dove would fly down with a message to me from the Lord giving me step my step instructions on what my future holds....
i imagine it would be like this
step one : apply here (name hospital)
step two : Wear this to your interview (pic of outfit)
step three : say these things
step four : land job
step 5 : move here : apartment or house address

why cant life be that easy?