when your non-boyfriend tells you something he's doing that he has been keeping from you, that you dont necessarily approve of the correct response is not "you dont deserve me"
this just leads to an entire night of text fighting back and forth. sometimes taking a personal dig at someone and not meaning it does more dammage than if you actually did. because if i meant it, i wouldnt care that he feels terrible. i wouldnt care that he now is withdrawing from me. i wouldnt care that i feel like crap. instead i would be done. but this is not the case.
instead i am feeling very very low.
Jose tells me i am a stupid girl. that being in a non-relationship will only get me hurt. plant a seed of doubt, water it with a confession, warm it with stress of finals...and a garden grows.
this analogy, sounds beautiful, but in reality it is a big pile of crap.
i wish i could drug myself with nyquil and sleep for days. instead i have a gero exam in the morning that i am not particulary worried about but instead i am sitting here, trying to vent and feel better with some sort of therapeutic writing, all the while trying to think of something to say to make it all better.
i feel like i sabotaged a good thing.
i wish we could reverse time, take back the things we did or said that we regret, and that memory would be erased. or i wish there was a secret phrase that could be said to erase it, or to make people feel better, and forget their hurt and pain. I wish i could heal with more than just medicine. i wish i had a giant eraser that whiped away the graffitti and damage of words said without thought.
but most of all, i wish i wasnt so dysfunctional, to think that everyone will leave me, that i have to push them away before they do. to use every sticky situation as an escape, to make people hurt to avoid getting hurt. maybe i dont really do this but why else do i do this when things get rough.
if you love someone so much, why do you hurt them ??
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
friday
Today was my last friday classes of the fall semester, my last class of my last fall semester as an undergrad.
Im really going to miss mental health, really liked it and may do it in the future. In class we talked a bit about the elderly population's mental health issues in terms of dementia and delirium. One of the signs/symptoms of dementia is wandering/forgetting where one is...this made me think of little old jerry at the nursing home constantly wheeling up the the front desk asking where he could get a room/ where his room is and getting so frusterated with me and demanding that I show him, which eventually became our ritual.
After mental we had our community health presentations based off of our aggregate papers all of our clinical groups had written. My group had done childhood immunizations and then had a teaching project with the GRADS program in Fulton County which teaches teen parents or expecting teens parents. It was an interesting program that kept teens in school and was moving towards graduating high school as well as educating on effective parenting. The woman in charge was a pleasure to get to know, and lived such an eventful life that I cant imagine living myself. She had true empathy for these kids and worked as their advocate in society. I hope I can use my own voice in this way for some sort of population.
Which leads me back to the mental health class where our teacher talked about the "clinical gerontological nurse practicioner" . I know that I will go to grad school eventually and in 2 years it will be a doctorate program because they are getting rid of the masters in nursing...i just dont quite know what area i would go in. Basically of the choices it has come down to gero, women's, and addiction specialist. But lets behonest, while women's health and addictions truly interest me, it has always been my love of old people that leads me. So we shall see where that goes, it was just something I can totally picture myself falling into, working either with geri-psych or a long term care facility,
All of this pondering has led me to truly miss my Betty Boo, I plan on seeing her on Christmas Eve, and I want to make the event special for her in some way because I know she will be alone as her sister has her own plans to persue for christmas. Christmas is a hard time for her because it was on christmas that she sat down with her husband in the morning, offered him one of the many gifts she had got him and was told "i dont want anything from you this christmas but a divorce" which betty was devistated to hear.
she said she had cleaned out his drawers (i cant recall if this was after he said this or weeks before while putting his laundry away) and found a envelope of letters from another woman talking about being with him, several letters that were replies to ones he must have sent. she said on christmas he admitted to the affair and was going to leave Betty for this other woman. This same man also turned Betty's only son away from her. While Betty did find love again, her beloved passed away as I am sure i have mentioned in previous posts. Therefore, she probably needs some cheering up for the holidays.
I dont know what i can do that will be big enough as i wish it could be, ill have to keep thinking but i cant stand the thought of her not being with people on christmas, or for any of the residents for that matter......i want to take them all with me to my own family party but something tells me wheeling in a bunch of incontinent and confused older adults wouldnt be the holiday dream for others that it is for me.
none the less, i have to do what i can.
Im really going to miss mental health, really liked it and may do it in the future. In class we talked a bit about the elderly population's mental health issues in terms of dementia and delirium. One of the signs/symptoms of dementia is wandering/forgetting where one is...this made me think of little old jerry at the nursing home constantly wheeling up the the front desk asking where he could get a room/ where his room is and getting so frusterated with me and demanding that I show him, which eventually became our ritual.
After mental we had our community health presentations based off of our aggregate papers all of our clinical groups had written. My group had done childhood immunizations and then had a teaching project with the GRADS program in Fulton County which teaches teen parents or expecting teens parents. It was an interesting program that kept teens in school and was moving towards graduating high school as well as educating on effective parenting. The woman in charge was a pleasure to get to know, and lived such an eventful life that I cant imagine living myself. She had true empathy for these kids and worked as their advocate in society. I hope I can use my own voice in this way for some sort of population.
Which leads me back to the mental health class where our teacher talked about the "clinical gerontological nurse practicioner" . I know that I will go to grad school eventually and in 2 years it will be a doctorate program because they are getting rid of the masters in nursing...i just dont quite know what area i would go in. Basically of the choices it has come down to gero, women's, and addiction specialist. But lets behonest, while women's health and addictions truly interest me, it has always been my love of old people that leads me. So we shall see where that goes, it was just something I can totally picture myself falling into, working either with geri-psych or a long term care facility,
All of this pondering has led me to truly miss my Betty Boo, I plan on seeing her on Christmas Eve, and I want to make the event special for her in some way because I know she will be alone as her sister has her own plans to persue for christmas. Christmas is a hard time for her because it was on christmas that she sat down with her husband in the morning, offered him one of the many gifts she had got him and was told "i dont want anything from you this christmas but a divorce" which betty was devistated to hear.
she said she had cleaned out his drawers (i cant recall if this was after he said this or weeks before while putting his laundry away) and found a envelope of letters from another woman talking about being with him, several letters that were replies to ones he must have sent. she said on christmas he admitted to the affair and was going to leave Betty for this other woman. This same man also turned Betty's only son away from her. While Betty did find love again, her beloved passed away as I am sure i have mentioned in previous posts. Therefore, she probably needs some cheering up for the holidays.
I dont know what i can do that will be big enough as i wish it could be, ill have to keep thinking but i cant stand the thought of her not being with people on christmas, or for any of the residents for that matter......i want to take them all with me to my own family party but something tells me wheeling in a bunch of incontinent and confused older adults wouldnt be the holiday dream for others that it is for me.
none the less, i have to do what i can.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
newness
I have a new laptop.
dad bought one as a trade offer for my desktop computer. His has been around since probably my freshman year of high school and is seriously on the slow side. So, we are doing a little tradesy, and yes i know this makes me a bratt.
But this means I can now blog in bed, which i must say is a great creative outlet for me, bed really does get the wheels going in the brain and cause a unique thinking pattern and enhancess the outlook on life, at least when its not at 4 am and you are desperately trying to fall asleep.
The person I am dating has a child. There I said it. i tend to go for complicated, its just in my DNA, i simply cannot help it. In making plans over winter break I am finding myself at odds choosing activities. For example, next friday my options are going to an ugly christmas sweater party at one of my best friend's boyfriend's house or going to see santa claus with non-boyfriend and his child. So when you are 22/3 on the verge of graduation and entering responsible adult land, rarely go out anymore and dont necessarily find is as thrilling as you did sophomore year when the highlight of the week was how many vodka shots you could take before vommitting in the dorm room recycling bin (not that innocent little me would EVER try something life that) those days have been over since that black summer i entered nursing school and my friday night shots were replaced by learning the LITERAL meaning of the word shot, (IM, IV, SubQ??)
and yet, i am reminded that i am still 22/3 and i dont have to give up going to parties because isnt that what people my age are supposed to do????? if thats the case then why does hanging out with non-bf and non-bf-baby seem so appealing???
my friends would die, absolutely keel over if they knew i passed up on a party for that.
thats partly the reason why i feel obligation to go to the party.
but i feel bad because single men will be at the party, and i am techinally a single girl, who is being pushed to flirt with whoever my said friend is pushing me toward. lets just say shes not a fan of non-boyfriend.
so do you choose the past? or a potential future???
both tell me to do what i want. but how am i supposed to know what i want? its so much easier to have other people tell me, and make the decision for me. but no one is doing that.
anyways, i had the strangest memory the other day. I remember being like 8 9 or 10, who the heck knows....sitting at the dinner table that my mother set, and looking at all the food that was made. I remember sitting there with my step brother and step sister and step father at the time, who had all begun eating there food from the plate my mother prepared for them....but my mother wasnt there at the table, she was still in the kitchen, getting things ready that probably werent even necessary for the meal, but in her mind they were necessary to make the stepfather happy...she would come sit with us when most of the food was scarfed down, and I remmeber him
saying he needed something and she would jump from her seat and get it. I wish i could go back to my little self and just yell "get off your fucking ass, use the 2 legs God gave you, and get the fucking ketchup your own damn self, and leave my mother alone!"
sorry, little bitter on that one i guess???? =)
finals are next monday through wednesday. then i am only one semester away from boards and becoming an RN....oh geez. here we go....
dad bought one as a trade offer for my desktop computer. His has been around since probably my freshman year of high school and is seriously on the slow side. So, we are doing a little tradesy, and yes i know this makes me a bratt.
But this means I can now blog in bed, which i must say is a great creative outlet for me, bed really does get the wheels going in the brain and cause a unique thinking pattern and enhancess the outlook on life, at least when its not at 4 am and you are desperately trying to fall asleep.
The person I am dating has a child. There I said it. i tend to go for complicated, its just in my DNA, i simply cannot help it. In making plans over winter break I am finding myself at odds choosing activities. For example, next friday my options are going to an ugly christmas sweater party at one of my best friend's boyfriend's house or going to see santa claus with non-boyfriend and his child. So when you are 22/3 on the verge of graduation and entering responsible adult land, rarely go out anymore and dont necessarily find is as thrilling as you did sophomore year when the highlight of the week was how many vodka shots you could take before vommitting in the dorm room recycling bin (not that innocent little me would EVER try something life that) those days have been over since that black summer i entered nursing school and my friday night shots were replaced by learning the LITERAL meaning of the word shot, (IM, IV, SubQ??)
and yet, i am reminded that i am still 22/3 and i dont have to give up going to parties because isnt that what people my age are supposed to do????? if thats the case then why does hanging out with non-bf and non-bf-baby seem so appealing???
my friends would die, absolutely keel over if they knew i passed up on a party for that.
thats partly the reason why i feel obligation to go to the party.
but i feel bad because single men will be at the party, and i am techinally a single girl, who is being pushed to flirt with whoever my said friend is pushing me toward. lets just say shes not a fan of non-boyfriend.
so do you choose the past? or a potential future???
both tell me to do what i want. but how am i supposed to know what i want? its so much easier to have other people tell me, and make the decision for me. but no one is doing that.
anyways, i had the strangest memory the other day. I remember being like 8 9 or 10, who the heck knows....sitting at the dinner table that my mother set, and looking at all the food that was made. I remember sitting there with my step brother and step sister and step father at the time, who had all begun eating there food from the plate my mother prepared for them....but my mother wasnt there at the table, she was still in the kitchen, getting things ready that probably werent even necessary for the meal, but in her mind they were necessary to make the stepfather happy...she would come sit with us when most of the food was scarfed down, and I remmeber him
saying he needed something and she would jump from her seat and get it. I wish i could go back to my little self and just yell "get off your fucking ass, use the 2 legs God gave you, and get the fucking ketchup your own damn self, and leave my mother alone!"
sorry, little bitter on that one i guess???? =)
finals are next monday through wednesday. then i am only one semester away from boards and becoming an RN....oh geez. here we go....
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My head has been pounding the past 2 days.
Now that clinical has come to a close, i find myself sleeping more that I should be,
Maybe this is due to the depression of being a part from my best friend in New Hampshire after having visited her. Or maybe its because, when you find that your days are no long jam packed, you realize the sleep you are missing and allow yourself the time to be drawn in to the lazyness and fatigue that has been chasing you all semester. Needless to say, I still feel guilty about the naps and sleep I have been getting. I walk around my apartment aimlessly overlooking ever nook and cranny for something I am missing that I need to be doing, but always end up on the couch, in my jammy's, watching a Reba rerun on Lifetime.
With the semester coming to a close in 3 weeks, I will be heading home to Cleveland for 3 weeks of R & R. a much needed library trip, and shopping, and visiting with family and friends is in the works. Greer is coming home frm California for a while. My friend Sarah in Texas is coming home. Julia is coming back from NH. Everyone is in the state we all come from and love.
I love the holiday season and kind of glad the economy sucks this year and looking forward to not seeing as many presents under trees. I think this will give us all the chance to really focus on the things that matter,
The only trouble plaguing me these days is this new relationship I have embarked on. Well my non-relationship since he is my non-boyfriend as we are exclusively not dating. My father has found out about this new guy in my life and will be acting as though he has no idea when i tell him t hat I am leaving after thanksgiving to visit my non-boyfriend. This is the first serious guy in my life that he has ever heard about and Im sure that poor daddy will not be very happy about it. Non-Boyfriend is very worried about meeting dad, which makes me laugh...Barry coming across threatening??? please!
Needless to say its becoming so serious and it freaks me out just a little. But its the good scared, the good freak out. Im very happy. and he buys ME dinner...not the other way around for once.... haha.
But we'll be taking it one day at a time, that mantra always seems to make life a little easier. Id highly recommend it!
In post grad plans, the vanderbilt application is starting after the 27th and is due by feb. 1st, i found this out after sending in my resume too early! Im so excited. I know that if i dont get it ill be headed to Cincinnati to leave with Julia which I am equally as excited about. Either plan wouldnt start until July (the program OR Julia moving back!) So im planning a Europe trip with a large Loan I will be taking out. ITs hard to plan, picking what I want to do. But here is what I am leaning toward. on Contiki.com they have a 14 day tour of Italy, through all the famous cities...i feel this is best to really get a feel of my heritage and the entire country since all the cities in Italy are like little countries themselves, so unique and different from each other. After that I would like to spend a week in Paris. on my own. Walking aimlessly through the city and travelling by Eurotrail anywhere else i might want to go. While i want to visit more countries in Europe, i really want the opportunity to really enjoy them on my own time, in depth and get to know them for there uniqueness city by city instead of just spending 2 days in each place as the tours often do. So ill plan on doing what i please for a week and if i miss things, ill be back. I am sure. I am not one of those people who doesnt travel..who says they will go somewhere and never does....It is essential to my life to see the world. and i will.
so those are the plans so far...but let me remind myself, and you...one day at a time!
Now that clinical has come to a close, i find myself sleeping more that I should be,
Maybe this is due to the depression of being a part from my best friend in New Hampshire after having visited her. Or maybe its because, when you find that your days are no long jam packed, you realize the sleep you are missing and allow yourself the time to be drawn in to the lazyness and fatigue that has been chasing you all semester. Needless to say, I still feel guilty about the naps and sleep I have been getting. I walk around my apartment aimlessly overlooking ever nook and cranny for something I am missing that I need to be doing, but always end up on the couch, in my jammy's, watching a Reba rerun on Lifetime.
With the semester coming to a close in 3 weeks, I will be heading home to Cleveland for 3 weeks of R & R. a much needed library trip, and shopping, and visiting with family and friends is in the works. Greer is coming home frm California for a while. My friend Sarah in Texas is coming home. Julia is coming back from NH. Everyone is in the state we all come from and love.
I love the holiday season and kind of glad the economy sucks this year and looking forward to not seeing as many presents under trees. I think this will give us all the chance to really focus on the things that matter,
The only trouble plaguing me these days is this new relationship I have embarked on. Well my non-relationship since he is my non-boyfriend as we are exclusively not dating. My father has found out about this new guy in my life and will be acting as though he has no idea when i tell him t hat I am leaving after thanksgiving to visit my non-boyfriend. This is the first serious guy in my life that he has ever heard about and Im sure that poor daddy will not be very happy about it. Non-Boyfriend is very worried about meeting dad, which makes me laugh...Barry coming across threatening??? please!
Needless to say its becoming so serious and it freaks me out just a little. But its the good scared, the good freak out. Im very happy. and he buys ME dinner...not the other way around for once.... haha.
But we'll be taking it one day at a time, that mantra always seems to make life a little easier. Id highly recommend it!
In post grad plans, the vanderbilt application is starting after the 27th and is due by feb. 1st, i found this out after sending in my resume too early! Im so excited. I know that if i dont get it ill be headed to Cincinnati to leave with Julia which I am equally as excited about. Either plan wouldnt start until July (the program OR Julia moving back!) So im planning a Europe trip with a large Loan I will be taking out. ITs hard to plan, picking what I want to do. But here is what I am leaning toward. on Contiki.com they have a 14 day tour of Italy, through all the famous cities...i feel this is best to really get a feel of my heritage and the entire country since all the cities in Italy are like little countries themselves, so unique and different from each other. After that I would like to spend a week in Paris. on my own. Walking aimlessly through the city and travelling by Eurotrail anywhere else i might want to go. While i want to visit more countries in Europe, i really want the opportunity to really enjoy them on my own time, in depth and get to know them for there uniqueness city by city instead of just spending 2 days in each place as the tours often do. So ill plan on doing what i please for a week and if i miss things, ill be back. I am sure. I am not one of those people who doesnt travel..who says they will go somewhere and never does....It is essential to my life to see the world. and i will.
so those are the plans so far...but let me remind myself, and you...one day at a time!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
im listening to the twilight soundtrack and feeling kind of in a "bare your soul" mood.
So, Obama wins the election and I can continue being an American citizen (haha!) . Im really looking forward to the changes that will be made and the new nation that will emerge. I feel like things have already changed. I really feel the poor will have their day. It is engraved in my heart to help the poor, especially the children. I wish I could save the world.
I ran into Denise, the RN that went with us to Nicaragua. Im actually in her class next semester for HESI prep. Im really excited. She is teaching a masters course and has arranged to take the grad students to Nicaragua for a thesis project over spring break. Im so excited for her and incredibly jealous. I am dying to go back. Ive been dreaming about it so much lately. Will, the leader is headed to Darfur over Christmas break to do mission work there. Ill just be heading back to Cleveland. I know in time with education and experience I can do these things too. The programs that work with foreign countries all require some experience, and Ill get there!
Im still obsessed with the idea of not knowing what to do with myself come May. I have been researching a Europe trip which is extremely expensive. I would have to take an enormous loan out , which at this time in the economy probably isnt the smartest thing. But i think that trip would really help me grow as a person and allow me to get to know myself before i join the working world and society. I think i fear being apart of this. I dont want to be ordinary. I dont want my life to be the same thing day in and day out. I dont ever want to be bored. Luckily, I dont think nursing can bring a boring life.
Im taking off to New Hampshire next weekend to visit Julia. Shes only a hour from Boston so we will be doing a city trip. Im praying it doesnt rain like the last Boston trip, which consisted of us running around with hoods up and not really looking at the city as we ran from shelter to shelter, but it did make for a fun trip. But i hope to really absorb it this time and take it in for all i ts beauty.
By the way, my room is functional and clean, so are my emotions. He and I are now postwar, and doing just as well as we were before the war. He has allowed himelf to show some emotion regarding the incident and allowed me to see that in actuality it does bother him, but he has to build a wall and make no emotion seen when dealing with the situation in order to prevent something far worse from blowing up. He has a better game face that I imagined. Enough to fool me into thinking he didnt care...no wonder he is so good at poker.
Dad is coming up today with the desk, my japanese floor sitting ways will come to an end today. I hope this facilitates a better learning experience. And as for the bandaide fixed bed, it didnt last long before a new hole developed, the bed deflated and iwoke up on the ground...so i bit the bullet and bought a new one. This is an air bed designed to be used as an actual bed and its wonderfully comfortable. Facilitating wonderful dreams and deep thoughts before rest.
im off to study for exams, 2 next week. grrr. I cant wait for a break =)
So, Obama wins the election and I can continue being an American citizen (haha!) . Im really looking forward to the changes that will be made and the new nation that will emerge. I feel like things have already changed. I really feel the poor will have their day. It is engraved in my heart to help the poor, especially the children. I wish I could save the world.
I ran into Denise, the RN that went with us to Nicaragua. Im actually in her class next semester for HESI prep. Im really excited. She is teaching a masters course and has arranged to take the grad students to Nicaragua for a thesis project over spring break. Im so excited for her and incredibly jealous. I am dying to go back. Ive been dreaming about it so much lately. Will, the leader is headed to Darfur over Christmas break to do mission work there. Ill just be heading back to Cleveland. I know in time with education and experience I can do these things too. The programs that work with foreign countries all require some experience, and Ill get there!
Im still obsessed with the idea of not knowing what to do with myself come May. I have been researching a Europe trip which is extremely expensive. I would have to take an enormous loan out , which at this time in the economy probably isnt the smartest thing. But i think that trip would really help me grow as a person and allow me to get to know myself before i join the working world and society. I think i fear being apart of this. I dont want to be ordinary. I dont want my life to be the same thing day in and day out. I dont ever want to be bored. Luckily, I dont think nursing can bring a boring life.
Im taking off to New Hampshire next weekend to visit Julia. Shes only a hour from Boston so we will be doing a city trip. Im praying it doesnt rain like the last Boston trip, which consisted of us running around with hoods up and not really looking at the city as we ran from shelter to shelter, but it did make for a fun trip. But i hope to really absorb it this time and take it in for all i ts beauty.
By the way, my room is functional and clean, so are my emotions. He and I are now postwar, and doing just as well as we were before the war. He has allowed himelf to show some emotion regarding the incident and allowed me to see that in actuality it does bother him, but he has to build a wall and make no emotion seen when dealing with the situation in order to prevent something far worse from blowing up. He has a better game face that I imagined. Enough to fool me into thinking he didnt care...no wonder he is so good at poker.
Dad is coming up today with the desk, my japanese floor sitting ways will come to an end today. I hope this facilitates a better learning experience. And as for the bandaide fixed bed, it didnt last long before a new hole developed, the bed deflated and iwoke up on the ground...so i bit the bullet and bought a new one. This is an air bed designed to be used as an actual bed and its wonderfully comfortable. Facilitating wonderful dreams and deep thoughts before rest.
im off to study for exams, 2 next week. grrr. I cant wait for a break =)
Monday, November 3, 2008
i had a dream last night that I was leaving to go to Puerto Rico to do medical missions and save the children but as i was on my way to the airport, I realized i forgot my passport, shoes, and socks. I woke up shortly after so I dont know really what became of it.
I think this is a sign that my mind has been jumbled lately....not exactly in one place and one time but scattered all over.
I have come to realize that the level of my emotional status and capabilities can be judged by the state of my room. If it is messy, so are my emotions. If it is clean, im stable. If it so bad it looks like a tornado hit, BEWARE.
This is the current state. Piles of clothes have accumulated so much that i cant remember which ones were clean and which ones were dirty. I found 7 socks at the end of my bed today, dont know why its uneven. and my bed is actively deflating, i found a hole in it last night and placed a bandaide over it in a drowsy stupor. the bandaide seems to be holding up just fine, at least the air is leaving as a slower pace.
I think things will be getting better here within a few days. Its not like i can really justify these feelings on one happening. its just my pms, time in the moon cycle, stupidity of certain people, and the letting go of something serious that happened.
im going home tomorrow night , which i am excited about. but i am getting a cat scan on wednesday. Im not concerned about it , but the barium i have to drink reminds me of that nasty taste of fleet phosphosoda mixed with lemon gatoraide which is activating my gag reflex as i write.
I am reading the book sense & senseability and i am identifying the characters so much I feel like jane austin has invaded my very core.
I am also reading the 50 greatest love letters ever written, which is torture. ad much as we all wish we would recieve these love letter, the epilogue behind the romances all involve some sort of affair and tragedy beyond comprehension. I hope this doesnt become my life.
I think this is a sign that my mind has been jumbled lately....not exactly in one place and one time but scattered all over.
I have come to realize that the level of my emotional status and capabilities can be judged by the state of my room. If it is messy, so are my emotions. If it is clean, im stable. If it so bad it looks like a tornado hit, BEWARE.
This is the current state. Piles of clothes have accumulated so much that i cant remember which ones were clean and which ones were dirty. I found 7 socks at the end of my bed today, dont know why its uneven. and my bed is actively deflating, i found a hole in it last night and placed a bandaide over it in a drowsy stupor. the bandaide seems to be holding up just fine, at least the air is leaving as a slower pace.
I think things will be getting better here within a few days. Its not like i can really justify these feelings on one happening. its just my pms, time in the moon cycle, stupidity of certain people, and the letting go of something serious that happened.
im going home tomorrow night , which i am excited about. but i am getting a cat scan on wednesday. Im not concerned about it , but the barium i have to drink reminds me of that nasty taste of fleet phosphosoda mixed with lemon gatoraide which is activating my gag reflex as i write.
I am reading the book sense & senseability and i am identifying the characters so much I feel like jane austin has invaded my very core.
I am also reading the 50 greatest love letters ever written, which is torture. ad much as we all wish we would recieve these love letter, the epilogue behind the romances all involve some sort of affair and tragedy beyond comprehension. I hope this doesnt become my life.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
OBAMA
my father called me today to tell me that i have to vote the way he wants me to since i am dependent on him financially. He said when I am out on my own I can vote whatever way I want. What he fails to understand is that this president will be president when I am on my own, working and paying back my 20, 000 + amount of loans, trying to afford my own car, home, health insurance and many other costs that are ahead of me...for the first time standing on my own 2 feet. I have the right to my own opinion and I have my own voice as an American....this is the land of the free...Its a beautiful country that allows me the opportunity to speak my mind and vote the way I want, to make up my own mind.
i have no previously blogged about the presidential races. I have never been one to believe in shoving my opinion down anyone else's throat. Let's face it, if you feel as passionately about one candidate vs. another as I do, I am probably not going to change you're mind and you will not change mine. And nothing positive can come from arguing about it. But because i am so riled up from my beloved father I have to voice my opinions...MY opinions , on MY blog...so if you have a problem with them or me or it, leave it alone. (disclaimer : I am not a perfect person so some of my points may be wrong, im not going to research them , this is off the top of my head ...hence the term "rambling heart" so dont be a fact checker...no one likes that...and excuse the typos!)
Reasons why I am voting for OBAMA:
1) lets talk economy since thats what the debates have mostly been focusing on....yes it sucks, yes were in a depression...but instead of whinning about it and pointing fingers lets get real. Obama wants to cut taxes for middle class families...and thats 95% of americans...thats people like Me and my friends and my family, if you make more that 250,000 you will still be taxed. and im sorry but if you have that blessing in life than i think you should pay taxes, and i get the whole argument that you take from the rich who "earned" it and give to the poor who havent. but seriously lets be real. do you think a child who is born to a family in poverty, who has no father present in her life, and is being raised by her grandparents who are older and dont really pay much attention to her and can barely afford to put food on the table because they have to pay for there medical prescriptions out of pocket ... doesnt deserve government aide? because shes not "earning it"??? how has she been fostered in a caring loving environment or given opportunities to earn it. Because someone was lucky enough to be born to a rich family and inherit a company and own 7 houses and run for president "earned it"?? i dont know.
2) HEALTH CARE : I truly and fundamentally believe this should be a basic right of all citizens. how could you say otherwise? I went to Nicaragua and i saw people who live in such a recked government and are not receiving medical help. I am so fortunate to live in a country where we have access to healthcare, but it is completely un affordable. How can i as a nurse say that Obama is wrong to want to give healthcare to everyone and to make sure that companies arent costing them more than necessary??? And McCain's plan is to give money to people to afford health care? well what happens when they get sick and the copays start building up and before you know it that are under billions in costs and they just cant do it anymore? Employers should offer health care and be taxed if they dont. Because I have a mother who works her ass off on spine made of disintegrating material, and she needs health care ....and if she didnt have her plan she wouldnt be able to work...even though her plan absolutely sucks... and Obama will work to give her the healthcare that federal employees have access too...which lets face it...who has ever heard a bad thing about the governments way of treating its employees???
3) Roe V. Wade - I am pro-choice and so is obama. Mccain : Keep your laws OFF my body.
My roommate said tonight that she thinks that it is wrong to be "pro-abortion"....i looked at her and said who the hell is pro-abortion??? she's also voting for Mccain...ignorance must be bliss. leaving it to the states is rediculous...woman deserve the right to choose...Mccain's argument was that he adopted a baby and is so happy with his family. Okay great then YOU never have an abortion, this country is already filled with more kids that people will adopt adn with the rigerous adoption laws it is so hard to do...and let me also remind you t hat Mccain's wife took a child from another country not a woman who was contemplating abortion. Let me also talk abotu birth control...sorry but i think this would prevent a lot of unplanned pregnancies but strangely Mccain voted so that insurance plans wouldnt cover the cost....Obama didnt...and Mccain wants to get rid of plan B.....i mean are you kidding me??? are we really old fashioned enough to believe that people just wont have sex??? i dont think so. Education would prevent it but so would protection because even if people dont get pregnant they should be able to be protected against STD's and condom handouts would do that. Lets just ask sarah palin, who worked to get rid of sex education from the high schools in alaska and instead install an abstinence only program how well that worked for her 18 y ear old daughter who is now pregnant.
i could go on and on because i agree with many more of obama's campaign but those are the top 3 i would have to say top my reasons.
and let me finish this by saying, in no way would i ever vote for a man who has caused so much hatred in his campaign...enough hatred to cause my loving father who is always so proud of me to call me up and demand that i change my vote. thats enough reason there.....
i have no previously blogged about the presidential races. I have never been one to believe in shoving my opinion down anyone else's throat. Let's face it, if you feel as passionately about one candidate vs. another as I do, I am probably not going to change you're mind and you will not change mine. And nothing positive can come from arguing about it. But because i am so riled up from my beloved father I have to voice my opinions...MY opinions , on MY blog...so if you have a problem with them or me or it, leave it alone. (disclaimer : I am not a perfect person so some of my points may be wrong, im not going to research them , this is off the top of my head ...hence the term "rambling heart" so dont be a fact checker...no one likes that...and excuse the typos!)
Reasons why I am voting for OBAMA:
1) lets talk economy since thats what the debates have mostly been focusing on....yes it sucks, yes were in a depression...but instead of whinning about it and pointing fingers lets get real. Obama wants to cut taxes for middle class families...and thats 95% of americans...thats people like Me and my friends and my family, if you make more that 250,000 you will still be taxed. and im sorry but if you have that blessing in life than i think you should pay taxes, and i get the whole argument that you take from the rich who "earned" it and give to the poor who havent. but seriously lets be real. do you think a child who is born to a family in poverty, who has no father present in her life, and is being raised by her grandparents who are older and dont really pay much attention to her and can barely afford to put food on the table because they have to pay for there medical prescriptions out of pocket ... doesnt deserve government aide? because shes not "earning it"??? how has she been fostered in a caring loving environment or given opportunities to earn it. Because someone was lucky enough to be born to a rich family and inherit a company and own 7 houses and run for president "earned it"?? i dont know.
2) HEALTH CARE : I truly and fundamentally believe this should be a basic right of all citizens. how could you say otherwise? I went to Nicaragua and i saw people who live in such a recked government and are not receiving medical help. I am so fortunate to live in a country where we have access to healthcare, but it is completely un affordable. How can i as a nurse say that Obama is wrong to want to give healthcare to everyone and to make sure that companies arent costing them more than necessary??? And McCain's plan is to give money to people to afford health care? well what happens when they get sick and the copays start building up and before you know it that are under billions in costs and they just cant do it anymore? Employers should offer health care and be taxed if they dont. Because I have a mother who works her ass off on spine made of disintegrating material, and she needs health care ....and if she didnt have her plan she wouldnt be able to work...even though her plan absolutely sucks... and Obama will work to give her the healthcare that federal employees have access too...which lets face it...who has ever heard a bad thing about the governments way of treating its employees???
3) Roe V. Wade - I am pro-choice and so is obama. Mccain : Keep your laws OFF my body.
My roommate said tonight that she thinks that it is wrong to be "pro-abortion"....i looked at her and said who the hell is pro-abortion??? she's also voting for Mccain...ignorance must be bliss. leaving it to the states is rediculous...woman deserve the right to choose...Mccain's argument was that he adopted a baby and is so happy with his family. Okay great then YOU never have an abortion, this country is already filled with more kids that people will adopt adn with the rigerous adoption laws it is so hard to do...and let me also remind you t hat Mccain's wife took a child from another country not a woman who was contemplating abortion. Let me also talk abotu birth control...sorry but i think this would prevent a lot of unplanned pregnancies but strangely Mccain voted so that insurance plans wouldnt cover the cost....Obama didnt...and Mccain wants to get rid of plan B.....i mean are you kidding me??? are we really old fashioned enough to believe that people just wont have sex??? i dont think so. Education would prevent it but so would protection because even if people dont get pregnant they should be able to be protected against STD's and condom handouts would do that. Lets just ask sarah palin, who worked to get rid of sex education from the high schools in alaska and instead install an abstinence only program how well that worked for her 18 y ear old daughter who is now pregnant.
i could go on and on because i agree with many more of obama's campaign but those are the top 3 i would have to say top my reasons.
and let me finish this by saying, in no way would i ever vote for a man who has caused so much hatred in his campaign...enough hatred to cause my loving father who is always so proud of me to call me up and demand that i change my vote. thats enough reason there.....
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Water for Elephants
I had debated reading this book for some time. I kept picking it up during my hours spent at the bookstore...reading a few pages, the back, the commentary....and though intrigued, kept putting it back on the shelf. Until I went to the half price book store, which steals my soul...i found it for only 6 dollars and had to buy it. I fell in love with it. Its so well-written, with such an appealing story of a old man in a nursing home. A circus comes to town a block or 2 over and gets all the residents talking. One man, trying to impress the older ladies states that he was once in the circus as a water carrier for the elephants. Our delightful, yet grumpy, narrator calls him out stating that he did not carry water, for an elephant drinks so much it is impossible to haul that amount...and thus the story begins taking us back to this man's younger years when he joins the circus as a vet. As my father would say "it has a little romantic in it"....This is book for someone with an imagination....I loved it and spent many nights up way past the hour I intended on closing my eyes, and many days regretting staying up, reading this book. I am so sad to have finished it, wanting more. and for those that hate the predictable story, this has a surprise ending, well at least one that i hadnt expected.maybe i just loved it because of my sincere appreciation (and slight obsession) with the older generations. But I have full faith and confidence that anyone who picks it up will fall in love with it as I have.....maybe if you're lucky, and ask really nicely...ill even let you borrow my copy ;)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Fall
BGSU homecoming was this weekend. I got to see some people i havent seen in a long time. Which inevitably starts that awkward fake conversation. "what are you up to?" "where do you live now?" "where do you work"....i feel like those questions dont actually stem for general concern about one another but rather as a way to measure the way ones life turned out against anothers...a sort of competition.
I cant say that this is true of everyone, because I did see some of my very best friends who managed to get the hell out of BG in 4 years....and the people that i was friends with that were older than me...as most of my friends are. I missed some people though that are far away and couldnt make it back...BG just isnt the same without them.
It has hit me that this is the last call. Next year, if i am able to come back, it will be as an official alumna that is so eerie. My background info will have significantly changed come next year. I have no idea where ill be living, working, talking to, who ill be friends with what ill look like...its crazy. One year can make such a difference in a persons life.
school is going well. im spending so much time, doing the best i can. It looks like i may get the surgical preceptorship which i am so excited about. as much as ill be taking on electively more work for myself than necessary, i feel it will calm my nerves and answer some questions i have about what i want to do postgrad. and regardless of the work, i can deal with it...God never gives you what you cannot handle.
I have been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately. I have been talking to an old friend of mine a lot more than usual. The possibility of it being more hangs in the air and tortures me at night with my classic "what-if's" that i can never seem to break the habit of for long. Im praying about it and taking it one day at a time. But the day is coming where the decision has to be made about being proactive and seeking this out or not. I can imagine myself with him, and it feels like a good thing. But then again dont we always think that in the beginning of another disaster? He would probably be so hurt to find himself generalized as another disaster. I feel sort of like a hypocrite for having feelings for him, for so long preaching that i havent and denying anything to everyone. I have been through mountains and valleys with him, its insane. Its definitely one of those things where you dont really know what purpose this person could possibly serve in your life if not for something more or better than what you already have. I havent admitted this to anyone yet, havent confessed to my feelings or the possibility. I have been building castles in the air of a perfect world that doesnt exist. Im a bit ashamed, and must admit secretly looking for an "out" so i dont have to deal with it. Gosh this is embarressing even writing about but im hoping those that dont really know the private details of my life, and are reading this, cannot identify the secret i hold. I hope you are oblivious....am i as secretive as i think????
Thursday, September 25, 2008
My restless soul
Leave it to mom to tell me that im slacking on these entries... ;)
I had my mental health clinical today which i confess i was not looking forward too. It ended up being a really rewarding experience. I had a patient who was dealing with some issues that are occuring because of a recent loss of a love one. I really enjoyed talking with him, and hearing a bout his problems that are so much more important than my silly ones I have. Many of the patients on the psych floor are battling some form of substance abuse. Im starting to get pulled in this direction. I am so intrigues by this disease and find such empathy for people who suffer it. Maybe this is because of my family who is plagued by alcoholism and drug abuse, or maybe its because my mother worked at a treatment facility where i spent much of my free time after school hanging out with recovering addicts who are now like family members to me....but I am so passionate about this. I really didnt expect to like mental health and honestly I dont really like having patients with the regular associated mental illnesses, but the fact that most of them are suffering from drug or alcohol addicts sucks me in. Now my list of what i want to do with my life just added another one on it.
ideas for post grad:
1) surgical nurse residency at Vanderbilt Medical Center
2) Nurse at treatment or recovery program (wherever those may be! )
3) going back to school to get my MD or MSN
4) TRAVELING Nursing (which can only be done after a few years old experience)
I have exactly 8 months to figure this out.....thats less that it takes to have a baby....
I have an exam tomorrow which Im prepared for. Living in Toledo has taken me away from the many distractions i had in bowling green and i find myself studying like crazy. Maybe this will be good when the Nclex and hesi roll around.
im starting to stress out about next semester. I have until next friday to decide if i want to apply for a preceptorship. They only offer them in a few areas of nursing and they only have 50 spots total...the only 2 im interested in are critical care or surgical which everyone in my class is interested in and those both take only 10 students each.....so thats 20 spots out of 170 students. and generally it comes down to GPA which mine isnt the hottest...its not bad but its definitely not up there with the smarty pants. While a preceptorship would be an awesome opportunity I worry about the stress.. basically id be taking on job in doing this, and id have paper work and class work to do that i wouldnt have if i didnt take it. you have to get a mandatory number of hours and can only work when your preceptor can so your limited because of the other classes you have to take. Not to mention studying for the Hesi and Nclex ...the hesi being the one i need to graduate and only get 2 attempts to take (mind you last years class mostly failed it the first time and many did the second time and had a delayed graduation). So is it worth it? I mean granted im freaking out that i havent started an IV and my roommate and one of my friends did because they took externships this summer....i know they look at me like im not really experienced but i mean even if i could go back and do an externship i wouldnt...i had an amazing summer at the nursing home and going to nicaragua! so this would give me those experiences i missed but i feel like if i did the residency program i would get those experiences anyway so i dont know. i mean they dont really expect new grads to know it all....honestly. i just havent decided if i want to put myself in such a stressful situation...or is this me just being afraid of a new experience like always? i keep praying about it and i think the answer is to just apply and if i get it means im supposed to do it and if i dont then it means im not...but does fate always work that way???
anyways, i lit a candle last night to st. michael. not because i needed the protection...but because i missed home. that is the kind of thing that would be going on at home and i needed that little reminder here. I recently read a book called "White Oleander" im sure many have seen that movie, and honestly it is a beautifully tragic dark story about a mother and daughter. Im so grateful its not my story and i honestly cant imagine it being my story. Although parts of the mother in that book do remind me of my own. her beauty and ability to captivate anyone with her power (gift as we call it) and her poetic nature....but id say the similarity ends there.
"I rested my head on her leg. She smelled like violets. "We are the wands, " she said. "We strive for beauty and balance, the sensual over the sentimental." "The Wands." I repeated. I wanted her to know I was listening. Our tarot suit, the wands. She used to lay the cards for me, explain the suits: wands and coins, cups and swords......"
My mother doesnt smell like violets, she smells like apple cinnamon and nutmeg....but she would say something like this to me......Are we the wands mother?
I had my mental health clinical today which i confess i was not looking forward too. It ended up being a really rewarding experience. I had a patient who was dealing with some issues that are occuring because of a recent loss of a love one. I really enjoyed talking with him, and hearing a bout his problems that are so much more important than my silly ones I have. Many of the patients on the psych floor are battling some form of substance abuse. Im starting to get pulled in this direction. I am so intrigues by this disease and find such empathy for people who suffer it. Maybe this is because of my family who is plagued by alcoholism and drug abuse, or maybe its because my mother worked at a treatment facility where i spent much of my free time after school hanging out with recovering addicts who are now like family members to me....but I am so passionate about this. I really didnt expect to like mental health and honestly I dont really like having patients with the regular associated mental illnesses, but the fact that most of them are suffering from drug or alcohol addicts sucks me in. Now my list of what i want to do with my life just added another one on it.
ideas for post grad:
1) surgical nurse residency at Vanderbilt Medical Center
2) Nurse at treatment or recovery program (wherever those may be! )
3) going back to school to get my MD or MSN
4) TRAVELING Nursing (which can only be done after a few years old experience)
I have exactly 8 months to figure this out.....thats less that it takes to have a baby....
I have an exam tomorrow which Im prepared for. Living in Toledo has taken me away from the many distractions i had in bowling green and i find myself studying like crazy. Maybe this will be good when the Nclex and hesi roll around.
im starting to stress out about next semester. I have until next friday to decide if i want to apply for a preceptorship. They only offer them in a few areas of nursing and they only have 50 spots total...the only 2 im interested in are critical care or surgical which everyone in my class is interested in and those both take only 10 students each.....so thats 20 spots out of 170 students. and generally it comes down to GPA which mine isnt the hottest...its not bad but its definitely not up there with the smarty pants. While a preceptorship would be an awesome opportunity I worry about the stress.. basically id be taking on job in doing this, and id have paper work and class work to do that i wouldnt have if i didnt take it. you have to get a mandatory number of hours and can only work when your preceptor can so your limited because of the other classes you have to take. Not to mention studying for the Hesi and Nclex ...the hesi being the one i need to graduate and only get 2 attempts to take (mind you last years class mostly failed it the first time and many did the second time and had a delayed graduation). So is it worth it? I mean granted im freaking out that i havent started an IV and my roommate and one of my friends did because they took externships this summer....i know they look at me like im not really experienced but i mean even if i could go back and do an externship i wouldnt...i had an amazing summer at the nursing home and going to nicaragua! so this would give me those experiences i missed but i feel like if i did the residency program i would get those experiences anyway so i dont know. i mean they dont really expect new grads to know it all....honestly. i just havent decided if i want to put myself in such a stressful situation...or is this me just being afraid of a new experience like always? i keep praying about it and i think the answer is to just apply and if i get it means im supposed to do it and if i dont then it means im not...but does fate always work that way???
anyways, i lit a candle last night to st. michael. not because i needed the protection...but because i missed home. that is the kind of thing that would be going on at home and i needed that little reminder here. I recently read a book called "White Oleander" im sure many have seen that movie, and honestly it is a beautifully tragic dark story about a mother and daughter. Im so grateful its not my story and i honestly cant imagine it being my story. Although parts of the mother in that book do remind me of my own. her beauty and ability to captivate anyone with her power (gift as we call it) and her poetic nature....but id say the similarity ends there.
"I rested my head on her leg. She smelled like violets. "We are the wands, " she said. "We strive for beauty and balance, the sensual over the sentimental." "The Wands." I repeated. I wanted her to know I was listening. Our tarot suit, the wands. She used to lay the cards for me, explain the suits: wands and coins, cups and swords......"
My mother doesnt smell like violets, she smells like apple cinnamon and nutmeg....but she would say something like this to me......Are we the wands mother?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
extremely happy
here i sit on the floor STILL no desk, updating the journal i never seem to keep anymore. life isnt as fascinating post nicaragua ......it just seems to roll along . i am incredibly happy though, still maintaining my new-found contentment with life.
last weekend i went home and had the opportunity to see my mother speak and share her story at a meeting. I was in awe and amazement at her and her ease as the words came to her. I envy this. I have to think things out before i speak, im unable to articulate my feelings on the spot, and can only make them complete with words after thought and consideration. My mother just stands before a crowd, opens her mouth , and the poet within shows. I am so proud of her, and the challenges she has overcome and the for the challenges she still struggles with but will overcome. after she was doen we had the opportunity to speak and say something to her but me being bashful to strangers and unable to articulate myself in an as meaningful way as i would life opted not too
afterwards i figured what i would have liked to of said was something like this : Mom, I am so proud of you for all of this and in effect i am glad that these challenges were ones that you had because they have made you who you are, a wonderful person who has shown me true strength and through those challenges has introduced me to such wonderful people you have met as a support system and has shown me a different way of thinking that isnt so close minded but open minded...i am so glad you are who you are, and i wouldnt trade that for anything... i love you indescribably.
:)
I finished reading the book "the kite runner" which was a bit hard on me to read. Although, i would definitely recommend this to everyone! Its such an emotional heartfelt story that was wonderfully written. I dare say it is a classic of our time!
Im starting to worry about postgrad life and wonder where im supposed to be going after this is all over in may. I dont even know what to think. Im starting to think a lot about nashville, being that is where i almost went for undergrad....Vanderbilt has nursing residency programs and one in surgical nursing which is my area of interest. I would be part of the program if picked for one year and t hen have one year working committment with them. The only thing is my doubt for surgery....many people, 3 actually, have told me that i dont belong in surgery because i am so good with relationships with patients and in surgery you dont have the chance to talk to the patients and communicate with them which would be a waste of "my skill", this makes me so sad to hear because i love internal bodies and organs systems and the miracle of life that is one b eat of heart that you can hold in your hand . I just have to wade the waters and see waht happens. i know if its where im supposed to be it will be where i end up. Im going to look more into that program and pray more and i believe things will fall into place.
i miss nicaragua so much, i wish there was a way i could do that for my whole life...just work for free, travelling to impoverished countries and cities in america and handing out free healthcare....im starting to worry im losing the glow that i had when i came back and the happiness and contentment i felt...im actively searching to revive it...and i find it with my nicaragua friends just being wiht them kind of keeps it alive.
jose is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, i see him a lot at the library and i have such a nice time talking to him. He jokes that i will be engaged soon, which is so unlikely being that i dont even have an inkling of a boy in my life....oh jose, such a kidder. But its so nice to see him, and the other people on campus ....
having more friends in the medical field is so nice...its just a common bond and understanding that life can be trying but were doing this selflessly...i know many are in it for the money but these are the ones who are in it to make a difference. I would still be a nurse if i only ended up making 20, 000 as opposed to the probable 50,000.....
i need to keep the spirit alive... i desperately dont want to go back to the dark cloud i was under before the trip......eeek
last weekend i went home and had the opportunity to see my mother speak and share her story at a meeting. I was in awe and amazement at her and her ease as the words came to her. I envy this. I have to think things out before i speak, im unable to articulate my feelings on the spot, and can only make them complete with words after thought and consideration. My mother just stands before a crowd, opens her mouth , and the poet within shows. I am so proud of her, and the challenges she has overcome and the for the challenges she still struggles with but will overcome. after she was doen we had the opportunity to speak and say something to her but me being bashful to strangers and unable to articulate myself in an as meaningful way as i would life opted not too
afterwards i figured what i would have liked to of said was something like this : Mom, I am so proud of you for all of this and in effect i am glad that these challenges were ones that you had because they have made you who you are, a wonderful person who has shown me true strength and through those challenges has introduced me to such wonderful people you have met as a support system and has shown me a different way of thinking that isnt so close minded but open minded...i am so glad you are who you are, and i wouldnt trade that for anything... i love you indescribably.
:)
I finished reading the book "the kite runner" which was a bit hard on me to read. Although, i would definitely recommend this to everyone! Its such an emotional heartfelt story that was wonderfully written. I dare say it is a classic of our time!
Im starting to worry about postgrad life and wonder where im supposed to be going after this is all over in may. I dont even know what to think. Im starting to think a lot about nashville, being that is where i almost went for undergrad....Vanderbilt has nursing residency programs and one in surgical nursing which is my area of interest. I would be part of the program if picked for one year and t hen have one year working committment with them. The only thing is my doubt for surgery....many people, 3 actually, have told me that i dont belong in surgery because i am so good with relationships with patients and in surgery you dont have the chance to talk to the patients and communicate with them which would be a waste of "my skill", this makes me so sad to hear because i love internal bodies and organs systems and the miracle of life that is one b eat of heart that you can hold in your hand . I just have to wade the waters and see waht happens. i know if its where im supposed to be it will be where i end up. Im going to look more into that program and pray more and i believe things will fall into place.
i miss nicaragua so much, i wish there was a way i could do that for my whole life...just work for free, travelling to impoverished countries and cities in america and handing out free healthcare....im starting to worry im losing the glow that i had when i came back and the happiness and contentment i felt...im actively searching to revive it...and i find it with my nicaragua friends just being wiht them kind of keeps it alive.
jose is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, i see him a lot at the library and i have such a nice time talking to him. He jokes that i will be engaged soon, which is so unlikely being that i dont even have an inkling of a boy in my life....oh jose, such a kidder. But its so nice to see him, and the other people on campus ....
having more friends in the medical field is so nice...its just a common bond and understanding that life can be trying but were doing this selflessly...i know many are in it for the money but these are the ones who are in it to make a difference. I would still be a nurse if i only ended up making 20, 000 as opposed to the probable 50,000.....
i need to keep the spirit alive... i desperately dont want to go back to the dark cloud i was under before the trip......eeek
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Back to School
So school has started, yet again.
I am beginning my 5th year here, im a Super Senior!
I am really excited about this year, going into it with a new found dedication to my major, classes, and career choices. Trying to keep my anxiety level about exit exams at a low level, because i think its a mind over matter type of deal with those exams, positive thinking yields positive results!
I moved into my apartment, or house *double* rather, and its lovely. My room is probably 3X the size it was last year as well as the rest of the space. ive been spending a bit too much money on decorations....I purchases curtains and rods to put up, which i definitely jerry rigged because i dont have an electric screw driver or any sort of clue how to put up curtains...i tried to hammer in the screws which didnt work and then hammered in the plastic pieces without the screws and my curtains and rod fell off in the middle of the night, probably wacked me in the head midsleep....but i had no idea till the morning of such events until i saw my curtains on the floor and the rod in 2 pieces...i taped it to the wall so well see how it goes tonight....
My dad is coming up to bring me his old desk for my computer...im currently sitting on the floor typing, very japanese like i must say. the internet works, cable works...everything is coming together with ease that i am not used to during moving experiences....its actually been quite painless despite the garbage episode today where they didnt take our garbage because we didnt register it or because our can is too big...we arent sure but one roommate is taking care of that and i have faith in her!
ill still to cable and internet bill, what i know ....haha
classes so far seem good.....gero is really interesting even though i have done it all before in my undergrad....and mental meeting today was actually interesting. A woman with borderline personalities came in and talked with us about her experiences in the mental hospital and her life story. It was really sad and disturbing but she is doing so well now, just graduating frm college and living on her own....i cant imagine! She had dealth with so much, narcassistic parents, sexual abusive brother, alcohal addiction, abuse in the hospitals,....and so much more you just wouldnt believe...it was shocking. I give her so much credit, she is such a strong woman so be able to talk about it and be dealing with it on a daily basis. I have a feeling I will be encountering many people like her in mental health at St. V's during clinicals. I will get the opportunity to work with some addicts and withdrawal patients which I am highly interested in,
for community health, I am at the Fulton Co. Health Dept. which is cool although 45 minutes away! I get to work at the fair at their booth next week doing face painting....who would have ever though nursing could involve face painting....yikes,
I had the opportunity to have dinner with Laura today. We bonded over school, boys, life and of course couldnt help but talk about NICARAGUA NICARAGUA NICARAGUA!
i just cant get the trip off my mind and the hunger to tlak about it, look at pictures, dream abotu it still resides within me. I am so anxious to go back or to even just see someone from the trip to talk about it. We both agreed that we would want to go back but bring all the people we went with back with us! It would be strange to go back without the same group!!! We joked about having a sort of arogance about returning with newbies "oh you dont know what that is?? thats a plantain chip, DUH" haha...of course we would never do that its just funny to think of the new experiences we had that are now accustomed to us if ever returning...however im sure we arent even close to experiencing all that great country has to offer.
Laura is going to meet with one of her deans to see if she can do a PA rotation in NIcaragua for 4 weeks.....how awesome. I desperately wish i could go to longer than just 9 days! im sure someday I will....there or some other place! my life is a such a long journey ahead of me filled with so many adventures I cant even dream up yet!
But it was so nice to see her, and to continue building new relationships with people similar to me!
I have a good feeling about this year!!! (but i do still miss my mommy and being home of course =) ))))
I am beginning my 5th year here, im a Super Senior!
I am really excited about this year, going into it with a new found dedication to my major, classes, and career choices. Trying to keep my anxiety level about exit exams at a low level, because i think its a mind over matter type of deal with those exams, positive thinking yields positive results!
I moved into my apartment, or house *double* rather, and its lovely. My room is probably 3X the size it was last year as well as the rest of the space. ive been spending a bit too much money on decorations....I purchases curtains and rods to put up, which i definitely jerry rigged because i dont have an electric screw driver or any sort of clue how to put up curtains...i tried to hammer in the screws which didnt work and then hammered in the plastic pieces without the screws and my curtains and rod fell off in the middle of the night, probably wacked me in the head midsleep....but i had no idea till the morning of such events until i saw my curtains on the floor and the rod in 2 pieces...i taped it to the wall so well see how it goes tonight....
My dad is coming up to bring me his old desk for my computer...im currently sitting on the floor typing, very japanese like i must say. the internet works, cable works...everything is coming together with ease that i am not used to during moving experiences....its actually been quite painless despite the garbage episode today where they didnt take our garbage because we didnt register it or because our can is too big...we arent sure but one roommate is taking care of that and i have faith in her!
ill still to cable and internet bill, what i know ....haha
classes so far seem good.....gero is really interesting even though i have done it all before in my undergrad....and mental meeting today was actually interesting. A woman with borderline personalities came in and talked with us about her experiences in the mental hospital and her life story. It was really sad and disturbing but she is doing so well now, just graduating frm college and living on her own....i cant imagine! She had dealth with so much, narcassistic parents, sexual abusive brother, alcohal addiction, abuse in the hospitals,....and so much more you just wouldnt believe...it was shocking. I give her so much credit, she is such a strong woman so be able to talk about it and be dealing with it on a daily basis. I have a feeling I will be encountering many people like her in mental health at St. V's during clinicals. I will get the opportunity to work with some addicts and withdrawal patients which I am highly interested in,
for community health, I am at the Fulton Co. Health Dept. which is cool although 45 minutes away! I get to work at the fair at their booth next week doing face painting....who would have ever though nursing could involve face painting....yikes,
I had the opportunity to have dinner with Laura today. We bonded over school, boys, life and of course couldnt help but talk about NICARAGUA NICARAGUA NICARAGUA!
i just cant get the trip off my mind and the hunger to tlak about it, look at pictures, dream abotu it still resides within me. I am so anxious to go back or to even just see someone from the trip to talk about it. We both agreed that we would want to go back but bring all the people we went with back with us! It would be strange to go back without the same group!!! We joked about having a sort of arogance about returning with newbies "oh you dont know what that is?? thats a plantain chip, DUH" haha...of course we would never do that its just funny to think of the new experiences we had that are now accustomed to us if ever returning...however im sure we arent even close to experiencing all that great country has to offer.
Laura is going to meet with one of her deans to see if she can do a PA rotation in NIcaragua for 4 weeks.....how awesome. I desperately wish i could go to longer than just 9 days! im sure someday I will....there or some other place! my life is a such a long journey ahead of me filled with so many adventures I cant even dream up yet!
But it was so nice to see her, and to continue building new relationships with people similar to me!
I have a good feeling about this year!!! (but i do still miss my mommy and being home of course =) ))))
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The rest of the trip
I didnt write in my journal for the rest of time I was there. I just got too caught up in actually being there. And, truth be told, was too exaughsted to write. On friday we had our last clinic which was out in the middle of no where. We took one of the trucks ...with an open bed, and 2 benches not bolted to the bed...we all sat there with nothing but metal bars to hold us in...It really was a very bumpy ride and everyone would stand on the benches or the bed of the truck and duck whenever a tree branch was about to hit them. I sat for most of it, I was a little afraid of falling out since I am not very graceful. But i did stand for a little bit towards to end. I felt like I was in the jungle on a safari.
(the volcano scenery, we hiked up the the cross)
(the whole group at the volcano)
We got to the clinic and i was with Adults again, partnered with Seth. Our translator was a kid whose name ive unfortunately forgotten because all of the macho guys were calling him scoops because they wanted him to start doing scoops of protein like them. He was a nice kid, only 17 . He told me he has a girlfriend in South Carolina...she came with a high school trip and they 'fell in love' talk about long distance relationships. We saw a lot of kids too surprisingly. One little girl had a severely infected ingrown toenail. We also saw a case of trick, and a woman who reported a crazy sexual history I wont even repeat. This place was crawling with dogs begging for food, it was sad but they were kind of annoying because they would come right up to you unlike the other dogs weve experienced throughout the week. Anna made me try to speak spanish to the patients to tell them how to take there medications which i felt so stupid trying to do...una pastilla! one pill! I spent sometime with Mario in the pharmacy again because he was probably my favorite translator....maybe because he always tells me to smile because he loves my smile, how flattering.
We ended up getting out clinic early because we had so many of us running our own tables, amazing how we are now confident enough to do that. We had to say goodbye to the translators, which was so sad. I never could thank them enough for all their work.
When we got back I was so tired i collapsed into bed and intended on only taking a one hour nap, but it quickly stretched to 2. I was in such a daze when I woke up, i tripped leaving the room forgetting a step and twisted my ankle! I limped the rest of the night, in pain. I put ice on it.
I did some laundry and emailed my mom. Will ordered us pizza, which wasnt as saucy as it is here and they give you packets of ketchup to add sauce if you want too,...knowing that i do not care for the ketchup I opted out and ate it as it was, which was good. We then gathered in the meeting area and watching a pirated copy of "the dark knight" and actually had working speakers this time. After the movie we played cards and then went to bed.
In the morning we were leaving to Managua. We got up, ate one last breakfast with the staff of al ayudante, said our goodbyes and loaded up the bus . We drove for about an hour and a half and go to the volcano sight. We stopped once at a gas station to get some drinks, Laura and I took a picture with a security guard that was manning the door with a HUGE gun, which we thought was halarious. When we got to the volcano we had to pay 2 bucks each but it was worth it. It was so beautiful, we climbed up top and stared down into the volcano which was filled with a gassy haze. After being up there for to long we started coughing and I could feel the gas burning my throat so I took that as a sign that it was time to go, as it was. We all loaded back onto the bus, and continued our drive to the matagalpa market. I bought a few souvneiers for family and myself. beautiful pottery, and 2 t-shirts as well as some pirated dvds of course. Laura was sick so we ran to a la pharmacia and got her some cold medicine which was a challenge telling the man what we wanted with limited spanish....she sniffled and coughed and ended up with some sort of medicine which ended up working thankfully.
(the volcano scenery, we hiked up the the cross)We left and headed to the hotel near the airport where we were staying for the night. We had lunch there as we were starving from not eating since breafast, we went to the pool for a second decided we needed naps, so we went back to our rooms. after an hour nap, or rest really because my bed was as hard as a rock and the pillow felt like one cotton ball behind my head, we got up and got ready for our banquet dinner. We all got dressed up and looked pretty....and for once we had air conditioning which was such a blessing, my hair finally wasnt curling like it does in heat.
We had some a nice meal and all went around saying something about the trip and how it has affected us. I said it was so nice to finally meet a group of people that have the same philosophy that i do, that its one thing to sit around and acknowledge the problems in the world, but that i want to be someone who actually does something about it. Dr. kern and anna did a suprelative game and gave me the award for "most likely to cheer you up with a smile" they said i always had such a positive attitude and a smile on my face no matter what. I was so flattered !!!! Will went around and said something about everyone, he said that i was the sweetest girl ever. I thought that was nice. I never really though I was being anything more than myself and for someone who didnt spend much time with me to think I am sweet, is such a nice thing to be said. I honestly dont think i stood out more than anyone else on that trip, everyone is so wonderful.
After that, we went to the casino at the hotel, tried to gamble but there werent very many machines so we stood around and enjoyed the free drinks. People were hogging a few machines at a time and one man was running the roulette table by himself and wouldnt let anyone else play. So instead, we left the casino and went and met as a smaller group by the pool to talk and bond on our last night. We all went to bed around 2 am and got up at 4 am to leave for the airport. Our plain left at 6 but was delayed until 7. I slept most of the flight to miami, arriving at 12:30 there and then we had a 7 hour layover . Because of the hurricaine coming in the weather was a bit hazy and rainy , so a few of us stayed at the airport and others left to go to South Beach. I stayed and read in the airport. It went by so fast , and before I knew it I was getting my bags in detroit and headed home to cleveland.
I cant believe how wonderful the trip turned out. I honestly believe i have made friends for life as i already have made plans with so many of them. I feel compelled to start of this year with a new dedication to nursing and medicine. I really want to get every piece of knowledge I can, do kick ass on my boards, return to nicaragua after learning more spanish, and possible go to medical school in the future.
Honestly since returning i havent done anything but think abotu the trip and stare at pictures . I cant express the feelings i have within me now. I definitely am sort of in a culture shock...even just going to the store yesterday and how different it is. Its truly amazing. I could never express to anyone how blessed we are. If anyone ever has to the chance to visit Nicaragua, I would say do it. Its definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity that forever changes you as a person.
(the whole group at the volcano)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
8/14
this mornings clinical was optional, but we all ended up going. Will said he made it optional because he didnt want to wear us out, as we are all getting tired now that the week is coming to a close. However, we all know the reasons why we are here. and we are all dedicated to that. I was paired with Eric, who they call chico. and also victoria. Our translator was Elmer, the sweetest man in the world I am convinced. He was the one who told us the story about Samosa and about the massacre when in Leon. I got to know him much better today as we talked between patients. He was trying to squeeze in his own little doctor visist between patients, telling us he is so tired after a full nights sleep and didnt know why....i joked with him and told him maybe he should try caffeine....haha. Mostly we saw UTI's again...it seems like thats the main complaint. The saddest thing is that you ask the people "sangre de orino?" blood in urine? and they say no but then they tell you that their pee is red....which is blood...they dont make the connection. Today has definitely been the hottest day, especially since we were indoors and without electricity so we had no fan...we brought the generator later and then had a fan so that made it a bit better...but we were still hott. We were in an OB clinic that had insane amounts of breastfeeding posters all over the place...some were kind of creepy looking andwe laughed at them but i guess they dont really understand the importance there.
(the dump)
(me and the group handing out juice)
(people, children, and dogs that live at the landfill)
(the football group in the ocean)
I had the opportunity today to work with the OBGYN and do 4 pap smears on my own. It was a challenge because the OBGYN could not speak english so she had to show me with her hands how to do a pap smear...one hand she clenched to imitate a cervix and the other with the instruments showed me what to do....i had to choke back giggles from my immature sense of humor at that...and be professional. But i did place the thingy in the vaginas and saw the cervix. i never thought id ever get that close to another woman's vagina before....not even when i did my OB rotation did I get that close. It was obvious to me which woman had STD or maybe even cervical cancer as her cervix was extremely large and swollen. They dont use lube on the separater instrument...which i know now, every woman reading this is cringing in pain. There were flies all around and about to fly into the vagina's, I had to swat them away...that was just so disgusting i cant even imagine being those woman.
We also had the chance to go to the landfill today. The dump rather. Where people drop off trash. Tons of people actually live on this hill around the landfill and look for food here everyday. There was a local church group brining a sermon and food to these people and we got in on it and brought hott meals to them as well. At first we would only let children come get meals and then it was a number system in order of arrival and if anything was left we went to those who didnt get a number.....we still ran out and had to turn people away. The biggest thing that got me wasnt the children, but the pregnant woman who I am sure have the worst of prenatal care, no nutrition, and are bringing babies into a world that they definitely dont deserve. Heather told me that many of them dont realize that sex and babies go together...they cant make the coorelation, they dont have preventative education, or any education for that matter.
(the dump)
(me and the group handing out juice)I handed out juice while Laura waved a stick to keep flies away, which really didnt matter becasue they just kept landing all over us and the food....the kids and people had them crawling all over them and the food as they ate and just didnt care. I was sobbing behind my glasses while watching this scene. I just cant believe the living conditions. I cant even imagine that being my life.
(people, children, and dogs that live at the landfill)
Up on the top of the hill was an old prison that kept POW's. We climbed up on top of it and could see an amazing view of the city. It was beautiful when you kept your back to the garbage.
The bus ride back was quite, after we left. It took awhile to get all the flies out of the bus, but i fell asleep as we drove to the beach. After an hour drive we arrived to find the beach and rain of course. But that didnt stop us from jumping into the vast ocean. I can now saw i have been in the pacific and the atlantic ocean. The water was sooooo warm and it felt so good. We had to be careful of smaller sharks that are known for killing people there, but we didnt see anything. There was one dead stingray that Jose told me was the kind that killed steve irwan. But ive never been one to be afraid of the water, I am a pisces afterall! We played footbal, guys against girls and later 2 guys got sick of us being so good adn switched over to our team...that lasted a while but the waves were so ferrocious we got so exaughsted so we got out and went to walk the beaches and rocks...there were so many beautiful and coloful shells. so many pink ones, clear ones, and even sanddollars! The sunset was stunning over the ocean. We ate dinner at El Espigome . I ordered chicken fajitas but ended up with chicken fingers which i guess is a fajita to them. They gave me FRENCH FRIES which is my favorite food in the whole world,....the ketchup was unsatifactory though, being so sweet. A anorexic dog kept bothering us all through dinner so we kept giving him our scraps...he was so skinny after all. and actually kind of cute unlike most of the dogs ive seen here.
(the football group in the ocean)
Laura, Heather, and I spent a lot of time together today and are making plans to reunite in Cali which is where Heather has gotten a job and moving to as soon as we get back.
I already can tell i have been changed by this experience. Especially after today, I am so lucky in my life and really take it for granted. I honestly cant even express how grateful I am, I always thought I was but now I know. My life is definitely so blessed
8/13
I was in the pediatric section today. I was paired with Laura and we got moved to Adult because of a lack of pediatric patients and an excessive amount of adults. Most of the patients we saw had cases of GERD. We saw one young girl with cystic fibrosis and her mother who was her primary caregiver. The mother was upset and near tears , she said she has no emotional support and suffers from depression. I felt really bad her because she deals with so much and lacks the resources for support. Anna the psychiatrist with us talked with her and told her she needs to set aside some time every day for herself. She said she needs to work on sleeping, the woman says she sleeps with her daughter each night because the daughter is in so much pain, she has to rub her muscles because they cramp. We gave her pain medication to help with the muscle cramps so hopefully that inturn helps the mother.
(all the nurses with Denease)
(my "sisters" on the trip, Heather and Laura)
We saw several UTI's, prescribed excessive amounts of bactim and amoxicillin. We also saw a 25 year old woman with severe thrombosis and varicose veins that caused a decubidus ulcer on her foot. There was nothing we could do for it except tell her to apply lotion and keep moisturized. We saw a very attractive younger man that was hitting on laura and I , he happened to have kidney stones. 
(Laura and I with the boy who loved us)
(Laura and I with the boy who loved us)We saw a case of ringworm, and of course scabies. One unique case was an 8 year old who had transposition of the greater vessels. His artery and veins of the heart were misplaced so he would get unoxygenated blood in the oxygenated spaces and vice versa, he basically should not have been alive and had severe hypoxia, he was cyanotic (blue lips), and clubbed hands and feet from lack of oxygen. Sarah is going to get him in contact with a surgeon in the U.S. but honestly it wouldnt do much good because his body is so used to being run like that it would be in shock if reversed like it normally is in newborns. It was a miracle to see him alive , and his father just cried at that. We saw a lot of mental illnesses today...a group/mental home brought them in for care. one boy we saw was once shot in the head during the revolution while playing in the fields with friends and this rendered him brain damaged, that was so sad to see him be could barely walk...and they say war is worth it.
The clinic was so so so hott. We were sweating like crazy. It felt so good to shower when i got back
Many people have been saying that I am beautiful which always is so surprising. All of these girls seem beautiful to me.
We went out to dinner at el convente which was once a convent and now a restaurant / hotel. We ate steak and had such a good time gabbing with Denease the Nurse with us, who also teaches some of our courses we will have next year. I hope to have her as a clinical instructor...she eased my mind about boards and other things. She is so smart and down to earth, I really look up to her. She told us she wants to get a group of nurses together with her masters students to go on a trip for spring break back to Nicaragua. I hope I can be a part of that. I wish i could bring all the same group with me though!
(all the nurses with Denease)(my "sisters" on the trip, Heather and Laura)I got to know a med student, Jose, today. He was born in Nicaragua and moved to the US when he was 7. Its so interested to hear what he remembers. He was actually able to see some of his family and grandparents for the first time since he lived here. i thought that was very special. He is compassionate to the patients and a lot of fun. A bit of a flirt with all the girls. I definitely would like to get to know him more!
I cant believe how much time has gone by. I hope we all stay in touch because i cant imagine my life without these people now.
8/12
Today I was in triage at the village next to El Ayudante. It's actually Dr. Medina's clinic.
( showing off my blood pressure skills)
(heather letting the girls listen to each others hearts)
(my authentic meal)
We walked through the actual village to get there and it was very poor in terms of money but very rich in spirit. Music and children filled the streets. The kids were yelling out "gringo, gringo" at us and "cheena, cheena" to Courtney who is Korean. They probably rarely see Asians.
It was a challenge doing Triage. We saw over 300 patients but I absoultely loved the business. It felt so good to do some nursing things. It is definitely something that challenges me, not easy to do but still within reach of perfection. It is rewarding.
( showing off my blood pressure skills)An older woman grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight and said "gracias" . She was 87 years old and had 10 children . She was brought in by her little grandson who was maybe 7 or 8. He seemed to be looking after her. When I was about to do the blood pressure, the little boy would kindly bring her arm to me and she would just smile down at him. He never would leave her side. He kept one hand on her shoulder the entire time. He would move things and people out of the way for her, and help her getting up and down stairs or chairs. She was having trouble standing in the line to see the doctor so I brought over a plastic chair which the little boy helped me carry. She really appreciate this small act. It seemed to mean so much to her.
The nicaraguenese people are so loving and kind. they are so grateful to us for such small things. I dont even feel like I deserve it. It is a selfless act. They deserve this care. We are require to provide for the poor, that is why we are so blessed.
One woman prayed with Heather, which I thought was so sweet. The Lord is ever present here. For lunch we had fried goat cheese, which was interesting. I didnt really care for it so i filled up on the fresh fruit and other selections.
One child came in with iron deficiency anemia. When asked how many times a day she ate, she replied once. Her mother scolded her and said "arent you embarresed to tell people that? You should lie and say at least 3". that really shocked me.
I touched so many patients with scabies today. Im a little worried about getting it but I know it was worth it. Three babies came in with respiratory distress. Dr. Kern , Sarah the pediatrician, said that 2 of them were going to die because they were hydrocephalic and could hardly keep awake or breathe. She told them to go to the hospital but we all know how unpromising that care will be. We didnt seem to pick up on these kids in triage which is what we are supposed to do. We think maybe the kids were bundled up so we could see the chest effort in breathing....or maybe Brent triaged them because I didnt see anyone hydrocephalic, but I am learning .
Two little girls played with Heather and I. We let them listen to their hearts with our stethescopes and play with our blood pressure cuffs, They were so cute, they would dance around the tables and come up and hug us in the middle of triage. They adored us.
(heather letting the girls listen to each others hearts)All of the translators are so kind. Louis was with me today and he said "dont you get frusterated that they cant understand you" to which i replied "no, i am not frusterated with myself that I dont understand them and i dont understand how they can not be angry with me for not knowing spanish as I am in their country"
Although, even english is starting to sound like spanish to me....its all starting to blend.
We got out of clinic really late because of how many patients we had. Pharmacy got extremely backed out so when we were done with triage I went and helped with the pills. We made it to dinner at the cafe in Leon (without showering, so we all felt so gross) from the first day there and had an authentic meal with plantain chips and shiskabob looking thing, my table got glasses of wine and ice cream sundaes. I really missed chocolate and it was so delicious and extra sweet. It was definitely fun to bond over dinner with the group.
(my authentic meal)I cant believe its wednesday, things are going by so fast, i wish it would all just slow down a bit .
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
8/11
Monday has come and gone, hard to believe
I learned a lot about meds which will be helpful for the Nclex! HOPEFULLY!
pliatano/plantanes and an authentic dish which resembled some sort of beef rice veggie stirfry , very tasty, was for lunch with FRESH FRUIT! which seems to be available at every meal. The white pinneapple is my favorite. haha. ive been trying to open up and allow myself to eat things I normally would turn my nose at. Which is so unlike me but I figure , you have to respect a culture for who and what it is. and every part of that. That is part of what this experience is all about.
Today we went to the school Miromar and set up our clinic. It was an hour drive , minus the random stop because they thought the bus was leaking gas. We drove pretty close to the volcanoes so it was a beautiful scenery. The 2 were named big brother volcano and little brother volcano but i forget the spanish translation .
I worked at the pharmacy with mario (the translator), valerie, and brent. It was a challenge searching for the meds in the wrong bags and dealing out the exact correct number of pills and such. mario was the pharmacist and translator. a lot of the scripts he would change to what he would do which got us in trouble with will because he wanted us to count exact amounts of vitamins while mario was telling us to just eyeball the amount. Will got a bit mad because he was worried we would run otu of vitamins and he blamed us and said we knew better. This frusterated me because of the way of work ethic is. I know we all make mistakes and I should let it go. No harm done.
I learned a lot about meds which will be helpful for the Nclex! HOPEFULLY!I saw scabies today , like many fungal infections tons of sick children have. one women discovered she was pregnant at the clinic and that was ahappy thing even in hardship. The kids from the school kept trying to steal our toys for the patients and that was heartbreaking to tell them but we didnt have enough. Only a few people came with no medical problems expecting free meds which even so got vitamins which were beneficial. one woman brought her family through three times for things expecting more than vitamins.
its sad to see and and to turn your back to because they need these vitamins and are impoverished but having only so many and so many more sick people creates a sort of catch 22. How am I so lucky to never need anything that isnt available to me.
After a long day we came back to Ayudante for dinner. Victoria, Heather, and I read under the ticki hut and talked. It was so peaceful but all of a sudden i heard a swooshing noise. I looked up and could see darker clouds in the horizon. We 3 all started running back to the main house and as soon as we stepped under cover it began to pour. the lightening was stunning. It was so colorful, pink and white. I was amazed.
A local group brought handcrafted items for sale and the money they raise goes straight back to the poor villages to the people who made the items. I bought a few things including a pottery pig bank without a cork in the bottom. The tradition is when the money is needed you break the pig...essentially "breaking the bank". I thought that was cute. I played a game and emailed my mom. I had the opportunity to talk with heather a bit about God and faith and Hinduism. So many other things as well. We both ahve a lot in common. We are both open minded and have believing hearts. She is an old soul, i could tell,
We discussed faith and how much it takes to move your whole family here for this mission the way Bill has. We both agree we dont know if we would have that same faith to do that. I would like to believe i could!
God has shown me my heart and what I need to do through her. Such a blessing I have found this friend here in an uncommon way.
many of us dont know each other past this week, and we can sit next to each other and not utter a word and yet i feel so close to them.
Many bonds are being formed and relationships.
i find it interesting because i have always been someone who relies heavily on others. I will have 1 or 2 best friends that i am close to but everyone else i keep at arms length . this experience pushes me to be independent and follow what I want to do with my freetime. not what my friends are doing. Its a way of learning your own soul and who you are. Being comfortable alone. But i am fond of Heather and home to get to know her more,
Tomorrow I am unsure of my assignment I believe we are all staying on ground or near here. The guys are outside watching a projected movie on the wall with a laptop. the speakers would would and i couldnt hear so i cam intisde. it was a pirated 2 dollar copy bought at the market with spanish translation on the bottom. but it was actually not too bad in quality. AMAZING. haha. well now im going to read and i cant wait for tomorrow!
8/10 night
The hospital in leon was so different than any American one,. I knew things would be different here, less stable but I could never have expected this. People were on beds in the hallways, pregnant women not even near 9 months delivering, surgery rooms with a window a/c and 2 beds with a single curtain between them. 
Rooms were packed with 10 patients and their families at a time, birds would fly around overheard. The floors were filthy, nothing seemed clean and it was miserably hott and muggy. the children only have clothe diapers which were being hung out on a porch to dry between cleanings.
i cannot even imagine that being a hospital in the US. especially after my recent ER visit. Doctors live in the hospials here and we asked one how much he got paid and he said about 300 dollars a month in US currency. My part time job pays that much a week.
Dr. Medina is a doctor in Leon and he works with El ayudante. He is giving up his only vacation week to work with us at the clinics. He said that the pediatric ICU he works with has only 2 venitllators and about 10 or more premature babies at a time that need one. He told us that ultrasounds are only availble for the upper class and many women have only 1 or none . the version of ultrasound is not as high tec as ours these days...they are the most basic. Dr. Medina shared that the highest cause of mortality is perinatal due to women working hard labor jobs while pregnant and poor prenatal care. Most have premature births. He says he sees mostly 12 and 13 year olds giving birth.
It was touching to hear about his dedication to his job and this country.
It was touching to hear about his dedication to his job and this country.
We went around Leon after the hospital and saw the oldest cathedral in the western hemisphere,. A catholic mass was going on in spanish. There were large murals and statues/sculptures all around the cathedral. I have never seen anything quite like it. It was beautiful.
We also went to a wall where grafiti depicts the story of Samosa's assassination/ Sandinista revolution. Somosa took aide money after a volcano errupted that was meant to be used to rebuld the country and instead used it for himself. He was an evil dictator basically. The US backed him up because the underground Sandinista's were against Samosa's and the Sandinista's were a communist party and of course the US hates communism...especially at this time during the cold war.
Today a Sandinista is in power in Nicaragua but the government is considered a republic.
We went to the sight of the massacre where Samosa's army killed university students who were sandinistas and protesting against samosa. There was a wall graffiti mural depicting that image as well.
The site now holds a basketball court.
We stopped for a beverage at a cafe near the cathedral and will be having dinner there later in the week. On the wall was art portraits of the famous poets from Leon...Ruben Dario being one of them. Leon, being home of the university is considered a artsy place. I felt so pleased that my pre-educational adventure gave me some knowledge of Ruben Dario so I knew who he was before arriving.
We went to the market and saw these live lizards or iguanas that were tied up by mouth and legs. They sell them alive to take home to cook and eat. one of the translators said that some people buy them as pets because they eat the cockroaches.
Dyre the translator was our guide through the market and she told us about her life. She learned English from her grandmother who was from England. She went to school for medicine for three years and dropped out because she became pregnant...after 2 more kids she has decided she would like to go back and is planning to next year.
Later on we went swimming with the kids from the orphanage on the El ayudante grounds. One little boy kept trying to tell me something I couldnt understand in spanish...he went and got a kid on the trip who could speak spanish to "tell this gringo i want her to throw me and catch me in the water" i laughed so hard. THey were loving the attention we were giving them and all the kids were so precious. When we got back to the grounds we played volleyball again then met the kids in the village next door to play in the fields. They would run up to you and hug you which at first thought seems cute but i know that this is a sign of child abuse and neglect. its deattachment. but we had fun with them and gave them some love...we would run and chase each other. You completely forget that these kids have scabies and just touch them and hug them regardless.
I wish i learned spanish before coming on this trip. I am doing my best trying to learn it and feel a litle overwhelmed. The spanish lesson was hard for me. I love learning new languages but I do not possess a talent for it...it doenst come very easy for me. In fact after 3 years of french which i absolutely loved, Madame Butois told me not to continue with classes because my grammar was that terrible.!I do actually keep throwing some french words in my spanish senteces...avec being one that keeps popping in there...and es tois instead of tu.
We talked about the set up for clinic tomorrow and had group presentations on different diseases that are prevelent here. I had malaria...thank God i took that cloroquine before coming...it seems like a terrible disease. My assignment for the first clinic day is in the pharmacy with Valerie and Brent. I am happy I am there because it would be a calm first day ...and thats good for my stress seing as i am nervous to start. I volunteered to go to the OB clinic one day to do pap smears. Basically we are all going to be acting as full fledged doctors, diagnosing and writing prescriptions... the attendings all just sign off on them
During our lesson on how to present and do H&P's and assessments I felt food about the skills I have adn what I know how to do from nursing. Many of the med students arent in clincal settings yet and dont know how to do something as simple as blood pressure. laura, the PA student taught me how to use an otoscope and look at the optic disc in the eye. Ithink i saw it but im not entirely sure. We all make up for each others weaknessess ...together we are one strong force!
"a nurse and a doctor relationship is like a pitcher and a shortstop, a pitch can be perfect but a shortstop can screw it all up" - Dr. Medina on nurse and doctor relationships and the importance of communication
I am looking forward to tomorrow!
8/10
italics are things from the journal, regular are after thoughts im having now!
I am here in nicaragua! Which i never thought would happen. Getting here was a challenege , chocking back sobs of homesickness, feeling like a total baby! But all of that vanished at first sight of Managua. Children, babies even, walking down the streets with barely any clothing. Open houses or tin wall rather with no ceiling or enclosement, people peeing on the sides of the street, random chickens, cows, dogs running rampid.
(a pic of our bus we took everywhere to clinics)
(a nicer nicaraguenese home)
its definitely a different world down here. Im beginning to feel one of the group. It became easier after I lightened up a bit. Last night Tim and Bill talked about El Ayudante (they basically run it) and its history and how the facility has grown. It was a God awakening their hearts to run this place. Bill is from Tennessee and moved his entire family down here a year ago. His 2 girls are in school in Leon . I give him so much credit for making that move...they sold all there land in TN ...they officially are residents on Nicaragua.
I am amazed by his dedication although he seems a little bit more of faith then the rest of us. I dont have problems with overtly religious people, in fact i envy them in some cases but sometimes i feel hesitation with people who are so vocal about it as though they are not only trying to convince me but also themselves. While Bill is doing a great thing for the Nicaragua people, i hope he isnt trying to convert everyone to a more devout way of living. He says that the way these people are treated is not in God's heart. Which i agree with...but the core of me is against the whole "heres a bottle of water but first you have to believe this Bible" . Most of the people in Nicaragua are catholic as well....they have faith. So converting isnt really necessary. I just want to provide people with there most basic needs...faith comes later. I would rather portray an image than proclaim it.
After his talk we played volleyball and then unpacked and reorganized all of the meds we brought for the clinic. We ate dinner which was some sort of chicken casserol...it could have also been tuna i am not sure ! The fruit here so fresh and delicious. The pinneapple is white but the sweetest i have ever had. we will be touring the hospital later and also getting a spanish lesson which i desperately need help with! Im just happy to be here and am asking God to work through me and take care of me as he always does!"
bienvenidos
Im home. Which isnt where i want to be. Granted i feel so grateful to have hot showers, a clean floor, 4 walls, a ceiling NOT made of tin, and a bug free bed. But nicaragua was the most rewarding experience of my life. I kept a journal while there and i will blog what i wrote for each day.
i feel so whole . like a piece of soul has been awakened. I feel purpose in life. You can prepare yourself for the things you know you will be seeing, but seeing them through your eyes right in front of you is different.
i feel so whole . like a piece of soul has been awakened. I feel purpose in life. You can prepare yourself for the things you know you will be seeing, but seeing them through your eyes right in front of you is different.
There isnt a single portion of me that doenst believe medicine is the right field for me. I know that i was born to do this now. With school starting on monday i am ready to face my boards at the end of the year, to soak up every minute piece of knowledge i can get my hands on, and be the best nurse I can be so that i can use my knowledge and life to serve . I am so happy and so full of life after that experience. I honestly cant even stop smilling.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Leaving!
The plane to nicaragua takes of tomorrow morning at 6 am. and I will be on that plane!.
this week has been full of so many challenges...a migraine on monday, colonoscopy on wed, and ER visit on thursday due to some complications. i cant even believe it! I was crying in the ER so afraid something more serious was going on and that i wouldnt be able to go on the trip.....but everything came back fine...so i got my prescription of pain meds and i was sent home to rest.
Now i just have finish packing. yuck.
I cannot believe how this has sneaked up on me! Summer just flew by! I feel so strange about leaving. im so content and excited and at peace but some anxiousness is mixed in there.
It seems i always worry about things and then they unfold so easily and fall into place that it was always silly to worry. You would think i would learn something from that? nah.
So off to nicaragua I am to do 5 days of free clinics and 2 days of touristy things! and then i will be back....i cant even imagine what this experience will do to me, how it will change me as a person and the appreciation i will receive for my life. (which I cant even imagine being more grateful for)....
I will update with my stories when i can....probably when i get back! and lots of photos will be taken!
so off i go to pack !!!!
this week has been full of so many challenges...a migraine on monday, colonoscopy on wed, and ER visit on thursday due to some complications. i cant even believe it! I was crying in the ER so afraid something more serious was going on and that i wouldnt be able to go on the trip.....but everything came back fine...so i got my prescription of pain meds and i was sent home to rest.
Now i just have finish packing. yuck.
I cannot believe how this has sneaked up on me! Summer just flew by! I feel so strange about leaving. im so content and excited and at peace but some anxiousness is mixed in there.
It seems i always worry about things and then they unfold so easily and fall into place that it was always silly to worry. You would think i would learn something from that? nah.
So off to nicaragua I am to do 5 days of free clinics and 2 days of touristy things! and then i will be back....i cant even imagine what this experience will do to me, how it will change me as a person and the appreciation i will receive for my life. (which I cant even imagine being more grateful for)....
I will update with my stories when i can....probably when i get back! and lots of photos will be taken!
so off i go to pack !!!!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
settling anxiety
Last night was the benefit at Trotters in Toledo. My mom, nana, best friend greer, dad and stepmom went to support me. I have to admit i was extremely nervous to go. I dont know any of the people that are going on the trip...the nursing class i am in was divided into 2 and the other nursing students that are going are all from the same class and I am the only one from the other class. I felt that i was the odd man out because they all knew each other and med students already all knew each other....so i was concerned because i am socially inept and have trouble being outgoing with people my age. generally when people first meet me they think i dont like them because it takes me a while to talk and be friendly...i have to assess the situation before i get involved it in. I dont have this problem with old people. it seems just me peers. I dont really know why it causes me to have social anxiety...i just would rather be my own world.
so we get the the bar and i just an nervous about talking to people and saying hello. I am embarressed to admit that it took me 2 beers to build the courage but i did it...i talked with some people...which felt a bit awkward at first but after i got over the first minute it got better and easier....i sat with one girl from my nursing program and collected donations at the door. And it seems the first thing she said to me was " i dont know anyone here" i immeditely felt a calm come over me...i am not alone! so we talked and she was really nice and it just feels so much better to know that i am not the only person who feels so out of the loop. Plus, i havent been able to go to the packing meetings (where you sit around and count meds...i guess the regulations only allow us to bring an exact amount of certain medications over to nicaragua.....) so i felt like those were bonding opporunities that i was missing.....and i was afraid i was the only person not going. But this girl told me hardly anyone went , and she did and she still feels like she doesnt know anyone.
So i feel so much better about that...and everyone seemed really nice ill just have to take time and unveil myself one petal at a time and i know after the week is up it will be amazing i ever felt this way.
Greer reminded me that it is silly to be so caught up in wanted to know and be friends with these people. because thats not the reason why i am going. I am going to see a different culture, to help them with medical needs, to learn about myself and about the rest of the world. I think that feeling alone and on my two feet without someone holding my hand will be a good experience for me. I have never done anything on my own...this will be a first. I can only amagine what things will unveil to me about myself, and i am eager to see.
so we get the the bar and i just an nervous about talking to people and saying hello. I am embarressed to admit that it took me 2 beers to build the courage but i did it...i talked with some people...which felt a bit awkward at first but after i got over the first minute it got better and easier....i sat with one girl from my nursing program and collected donations at the door. And it seems the first thing she said to me was " i dont know anyone here" i immeditely felt a calm come over me...i am not alone! so we talked and she was really nice and it just feels so much better to know that i am not the only person who feels so out of the loop. Plus, i havent been able to go to the packing meetings (where you sit around and count meds...i guess the regulations only allow us to bring an exact amount of certain medications over to nicaragua.....) so i felt like those were bonding opporunities that i was missing.....and i was afraid i was the only person not going. But this girl told me hardly anyone went , and she did and she still feels like she doesnt know anyone.
So i feel so much better about that...and everyone seemed really nice ill just have to take time and unveil myself one petal at a time and i know after the week is up it will be amazing i ever felt this way.
Greer reminded me that it is silly to be so caught up in wanted to know and be friends with these people. because thats not the reason why i am going. I am going to see a different culture, to help them with medical needs, to learn about myself and about the rest of the world. I think that feeling alone and on my two feet without someone holding my hand will be a good experience for me. I have never done anything on my own...this will be a first. I can only amagine what things will unveil to me about myself, and i am eager to see.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Typhoid
Typhoid medication completely rotts out your stomach...i feel nausiated and sick .....if i didnt know better id think it was morning sickness but that is impossible because my sex life agenda is about as vacant as antartica .
overshare.
oh the price we pay for health.
ill probably contract something no matter what i do...this is my fate.
my best friend went to india and came home with dysentery...i wonder if dysentery is in nicaragua...because if it is...i bet ill get it! and then this medication and preparation will have been in vain.
you plan, god laughs ...or so they say...
overshare.
oh the price we pay for health.
ill probably contract something no matter what i do...this is my fate.
my best friend went to india and came home with dysentery...i wonder if dysentery is in nicaragua...because if it is...i bet ill get it! and then this medication and preparation will have been in vain.
you plan, god laughs ...or so they say...
the energy
I have 2 days left of work.
I cant believe it. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to one my favorite residents, Felicia. She is off to surgery this morning. Felicia was pushed down the stairs at a bar about one year ago and it rendered her paralyzed on her left side...she is in a wheelchair . When she was in the hospital she had a clot developed in her brain...Part of her skull was removed in order to relieve the pressure and remove the clot. That part of her skull was put into a freezer to be preserved on this morning at 6 am the surgery began to replace it. Felicia smiles and says , "its literally like a brain freeze" But i know she is scared . She is excited but scared. Everyday she learns how to do something she could do before her injury. In a few weeks, after this recovery she will be headed to another hospital in the area for a innovative surgery that will place a pump that runs on electric signals that may help her to regain function of her left side....hopefully she will be able to walk again. She is so determined and postive i have no doubts that she will walk again. I have learned so much from felicia on believing in yourself, and staying positive no matter what the circumstances might be,
Yesterday the man who does the fellowship services at the nursing home stopped by to visit and pray with felicia for her surgery. He found out about my leaving on friday and about my nicaragua trip. After writing down my name on a piece of paper in order to remember to pray for me during the trip he started to pray, right there over my head. Which left me a little stunned. Im a believer in God and i have spirituality. I was raised catholic and know all about guilt as any good catholic does! But ive always had problems with people who were so outgoing with there religious believes as though they were shoving them down your throat. Spirituality has been something private in my life that i keep within myself and show through actions but not words....I dont have to constantly talk about God and the Bible for people to know that i live by faith. but who am i kidding, i have lost that aspct of my life a bit. I used to be a overly religious person, i say overly because i was niave and didnt know anything about the world. I thought once about joining a convent but i went to BGSU instead and discovered a beer. haha.
well growing has taught me a lot about life and that there are many different beliefs in this world and im not really sure what my own beliefs would fall under in terms of catagories of religion. But i am happy that this man knows where he stands...even if he may be niave and rigid in terms of it. I am honored that he would pray for me to the God he believes in...even if i had to keep from laughing during the prayer....laughter that comes from the awkwardness of it, not from ridicule. He is a very nice man after all. and i know his intentions are nothing but pure.
I cant believe it. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to one my favorite residents, Felicia. She is off to surgery this morning. Felicia was pushed down the stairs at a bar about one year ago and it rendered her paralyzed on her left side...she is in a wheelchair . When she was in the hospital she had a clot developed in her brain...Part of her skull was removed in order to relieve the pressure and remove the clot. That part of her skull was put into a freezer to be preserved on this morning at 6 am the surgery began to replace it. Felicia smiles and says , "its literally like a brain freeze" But i know she is scared . She is excited but scared. Everyday she learns how to do something she could do before her injury. In a few weeks, after this recovery she will be headed to another hospital in the area for a innovative surgery that will place a pump that runs on electric signals that may help her to regain function of her left side....hopefully she will be able to walk again. She is so determined and postive i have no doubts that she will walk again. I have learned so much from felicia on believing in yourself, and staying positive no matter what the circumstances might be,
Yesterday the man who does the fellowship services at the nursing home stopped by to visit and pray with felicia for her surgery. He found out about my leaving on friday and about my nicaragua trip. After writing down my name on a piece of paper in order to remember to pray for me during the trip he started to pray, right there over my head. Which left me a little stunned. Im a believer in God and i have spirituality. I was raised catholic and know all about guilt as any good catholic does! But ive always had problems with people who were so outgoing with there religious believes as though they were shoving them down your throat. Spirituality has been something private in my life that i keep within myself and show through actions but not words....I dont have to constantly talk about God and the Bible for people to know that i live by faith. but who am i kidding, i have lost that aspct of my life a bit. I used to be a overly religious person, i say overly because i was niave and didnt know anything about the world. I thought once about joining a convent but i went to BGSU instead and discovered a beer. haha.
well growing has taught me a lot about life and that there are many different beliefs in this world and im not really sure what my own beliefs would fall under in terms of catagories of religion. But i am happy that this man knows where he stands...even if he may be niave and rigid in terms of it. I am honored that he would pray for me to the God he believes in...even if i had to keep from laughing during the prayer....laughter that comes from the awkwardness of it, not from ridicule. He is a very nice man after all. and i know his intentions are nothing but pure.
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