Typhoid

Typhoid medication completely rotts out your stomach...i feel nausiated and sick .....if i didnt know better id think it was morning sickness but that is impossible because my sex life agenda is about as vacant as antartica .
overshare.
oh the price we pay for health.
ill probably contract something no matter what i do...this is my fate.
my best friend went to india and came home with dysentery...i wonder if dysentery is in nicaragua...because if it is...i bet ill get it! and then this medication and preparation will have been in vain.

you plan, god laughs ...or so they say...

the energy

I have 2 days left of work.
I cant believe it. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to one my favorite residents, Felicia. She is off to surgery this morning. Felicia was pushed down the stairs at a bar about one year ago and it rendered her paralyzed on her left side...she is in a wheelchair . When she was in the hospital she had a clot developed in her brain...Part of her skull was removed in order to relieve the pressure and remove the clot. That part of her skull was put into a freezer to be preserved on this morning at 6 am the surgery began to replace it. Felicia smiles and says , "its literally like a brain freeze" But i know she is scared . She is excited but scared. Everyday she learns how to do something she could do before her injury. In a few weeks, after this recovery she will be headed to another hospital in the area for a innovative surgery that will place a pump that runs on electric signals that may help her to regain function of her left side....hopefully she will be able to walk again. She is so determined and postive i have no doubts that she will walk again. I have learned so much from felicia on believing in yourself, and staying positive no matter what the circumstances might be,
Yesterday the man who does the fellowship services at the nursing home stopped by to visit and pray with felicia for her surgery. He found out about my leaving on friday and about my nicaragua trip. After writing down my name on a piece of paper in order to remember to pray for me during the trip he started to pray, right there over my head. Which left me a little stunned. Im a believer in God and i have spirituality. I was raised catholic and know all about guilt as any good catholic does! But ive always had problems with people who were so outgoing with there religious believes as though they were shoving them down your throat. Spirituality has been something private in my life that i keep within myself and show through actions but not words....I dont have to constantly talk about God and the Bible for people to know that i live by faith. but who am i kidding, i have lost that aspct of my life a bit. I used to be a overly religious person, i say overly because i was niave and didnt know anything about the world. I thought once about joining a convent but i went to BGSU instead and discovered a beer. haha.

well growing has taught me a lot about life and that there are many different beliefs in this world and im not really sure what my own beliefs would fall under in terms of catagories of religion. But i am happy that this man knows where he stands...even if he may be niave and rigid in terms of it. I am honored that he would pray for me to the God he believes in...even if i had to keep from laughing during the prayer....laughter that comes from the awkwardness of it, not from ridicule. He is a very nice man after all. and i know his intentions are nothing but pure.

rapid pulse

after a several week hiatus from working out, i hit the gym today....i got on the treadmill which is something i never do. I do not run. Big chests and fast legs dont really go together if you get my drift.....im self conscious about that....plus im thoroughly convinced that i am the most unattractive runner in the world...it just looks uncoordinated and aweful....so wouldnt wish that view on my worst enemy.
but my eliptical was taken but a rather large man who was going at a old mans pace.....i supressed the urge to push him off because that would be rude and i put on a brave face and hopped on the treadmill. i started off kind of slow and gradually tried to up the speed...but the button wasnt working..i couldnt figure out why but then it hit me.....i was increasing the incline...not the speed.
so i found the CORRECT button and increased my speed...went at a good pace for about 4 minutes and then upped it to a run...which lasted me about 45 seconds. i felt like i was going to collapse and i slowed it down....i could feel the fat mans gaze on me....but he doesnt intimidate me....so i walk off the exaughstion and about half of just 1 of the 7 cookies i ate at work today...and tried to run again,...all in all my work out lasted about 20 minutes....i leave before the fat man...and head home...i confess i wanted to attempt trying to lift weights because my arms are flabby...but i felt i gave the fat man more than he bargained for today at the gym.......
so i get home to a screaming cat (He's very vocal when hungry)....and i literally want to collapse in front of the a/c when i realize i forgot my cell phone somewhere....i knew i didnt take it to the gym (come on now! im not that girl!) ....its not in my purse, my room, the bathroom, OR the refridgerator (i know i know but its been known to happen and I did buy milk) i checked my car but being overheated and getting back into a fire hot car doenst feel so good so i sort of half assed the search party there......and still nothing....i probably left it at the mini mart when i bought milk ....im known to lose my phone everywhere i go.......so here i sit...sweaty and phoneless.......complaining.....


hope my story amuses someone .....ugh.

sunday

I just got home from my neice's 5th birthday party. I feel so old. I cant believe she is 5. she asked her grandmother (not my relative!) if she was the oldest person on the planet. I laughed so hard because i remember what it was like to not realize how long the world has existed and how many generations of people have passed through this planet. She just knows what exists through her eyes, and her young mind cant comprehend much more than that. Too be that innocent and niave is such a blessing we all have for only a short time. To not know the problems of the world, to believe nothing can harm you and that your mother is the smartest most beautiful woman on the planet...
well i guess i still believe that one!
I cant believe this my last week at the nursing home. I honestly dont know what ill do without all my old friends who come and talk to me everyday. They love to hear about my life and what i do when im not at the nursing home. I always feel like I am the most boring person a life and that i should do more exciting and crazy things in my free time so that i have actual good stories to tell but they dont seem to mind. I love to hear about there lives. I believe that looking at the world through the eyes of someone who has already lived life is the most educational thing a person can do.
Im not really sure why im blogging except i have this nagging feelling like its something is hould be doing at this moment.
My love life is the most exaughsting aspect of my world right now. Its like old flames are coming back, all together in a pack ...just squeezing through the cracks to make an appearance...and UNWELCOME appearance. between the drunken 'i love you' voicemails, texts, and old dramas being brought up again it just seems endless. My boss recently said that she never goes back to old relationships because they ended for a reason and that reason means you arent supposed to be together...she says she is an "upward and onward" kind of girl and she looks at every relationship failure as an opportunity and promise that something better is out there and she focuses on that excitement instead. I think that is a very good mentality and something i should adopt in order to prevent myself from being snatched back to the past with one of these guys.
I think sometimes i fool myself into creating a false identity for a guy and i believe in it wholeheartedly and refuse to see the guy for who he truly is. Im really ready for a new romance, someone new...who isnt in any way connected to the people of my past. Who is mature, not crazy, doesnt have crazy ex's (or a current relationship they feel they need to hide), who doesnt have a chemical dependancy or addiction, who has goals, and education, a future...doesnt live off their parents or plan on living off their parents there whole life, no children, a nice car, a good job or promise of a job, someone who loves themself and wants to love others, who helps others, who doesnt want to control me, change me, who knows who there are, and in genuinly interested in who i am as a person....why does it have to be so hard?

I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is, or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of creation if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees — my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath — a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff — he's always, always in my mind — not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself — but as my own being — so, don't talk of our separation again — it is impracticable.

(wuthering heights....it just doenst get much more romantic than that)

anxiety

Im registered with the U.S. department of state and i bought traveller's insurance for only 17.00....really....my life is only worth 17 bucks...haha im sure that isnt what it means but its funny to think about. im getting stressed out...my applicated for the trip through school is due on friday...i tackled a few things on the list but i dont have a printer here at home...i emailed the few things to myself at work to print off so im hoping that works. I have yet to start my typhoid meds on sunday and then malaria the following sunday.
I think the anxiety stems from fear.
Im just a worry wart though i know.

in these small hours

today at work :

*jerry wheels up...shovelling his feet on the floor to move...i run to the copy machine*
jerry: "MISS! MISS"
me (run back to the front) : Hello Jerry!
jerry : *yells* MY NAME IS JERRY POVLIKA ! Where do i go from here?
me: jerry ...down that hallway is your room
jerry: what room number?
me: 200!
jerry : WHAT? 12???
me : NO! 200!
jerry: okay....thank you!


20 minutes later

Jerry: MISS MISS WHERES MY ROOM!

******** this happened a majority of the day...sometimes hed change it up a little but his dementia has been progessing it seems. it can be trying but i dont lose patience....because how could i with someone who is helpless in terms of memory.


Nicaragua is so close its scary. I had a meeting last weekend...i looked cute ready to go but as i was putting gas into my car a turrential downpour started and i looked like a sewer rat. my straight hair became frizzy and curly...my clothes never fully dried despite the blasting air, heat, and alternating wind tunnels . But it went well. I have to finish all of my forms and things....i learned a bit about the history....and ill report more as i learn.
Ive raised almost 200 dollars so far for my trip....our goal was 200 each so the extra money i raise will go towards my funds like the hotel and airfaire...all donaters recieve tax deductibles which is an incentive! I feel so blessed with each check i get in the mail. I recently opened one from my grandmother and am a little choked up about it...i feel like i didnt have her support and then i read her sweet note and my heart smilled. i know that its hard to watch me grow up and things like this...i am scared to the core but im excited as well and with each wave of fear comes a wave of excitement.

song of moment : "amen" by kid rock....sounds a bit crazy as a recommendation being that its kid rock but seriously its powerful!

Nicaraga news

I went to doctor yesterday to get my hep A shot..im going to get anohter in 6 months so that it will last up to 5 years for future medical work i may do. I think the pharmacy thought I was crazy bringing in as many prescriptions as I did for all the medicines. Luckily there is a typhoid oral pill instead of a vaccine so my shots were limited to 1. I have to start the medication to prevent malaria a week before I go which will upset my stomach so i must take it with food. Also the cipro for traveller's diarrhea (sounds so great!) has been known to give women yeast infections which is basically the grossest most uncomfortable medical infection in my opinion. So now medically I am ready for my trip...scabies cream and all!

I looked more into the place we are stayed called "el Ayudante" . Built i believe in 2002 they ahve been housing medical and mission teams to come to Nicaragua...they also have a health clinic, women's clinic, and child protection center on the property called "18 manzana's". Here is a picture of the team housing :

I also learned some little facts about Nicaragua from the website....I already knew it was the second poorest country in the western hemisphere but I did not know that the population was 49% children (younger than 15) and more than half of those children (as young as 5 years old) were employed in illegal labor. The child mortality rate is six times higher than the U.S.

45% of 19 year olds are either pregnant or have children. Only 59% of the children reach 5th grade. This just proves to me during a shadow of doubt that mission work is needed in this country.

I have been starting to have fears and anxiety regarding this trip. My father has not been quiet about his distain towards my adventure to nicaragua. Parts of me says "what are you doing??? stay safe where nothing can harm you!" but there is a much larger part of me that SCREAMS for this and knows it will be a life changing experience.

my cousin mallory is headed to vietnam at the end of the month and i am so excited for her. She will be there an entire year. I pray for an ounce of the courage she has within her. She has already lived in europe for a few months and travelled to places I have never heard of. I have the same thirst for travelling but I am only just now beginning. So please keep her in your thoughts and if you believe in prayer then prayer as well!

i will keep updating when i have more information. I am headed to my first team meeting on saturday and i am sure more exciting news awaits me!

ill leave you with a picture from matagalpa in nicaragua...not where we are staying but i believe visiting for one day....it is simply beautiful among the ugly

July

Betty told me more about her relationships in her life. I was telling her my recent guy experiences and she was giving me insight. She told me that passion and romance are the most important. I assmed she was referring to her second relationship, because she had said before that her marriage wasnt filled with love. But she said that her second relationship with phil was just more of a friendship/brotherly for her and more romantic for him. She then told me that there was one man with which she experienced true love, filled with all the stereotypical things that are only seen in movies. She met him through a chatroom online that she was in oneday at work...they emailed back and forth and decided to meet each other. She had to lie to phil and tell him she was going out with the friends but she met him instead at a coffee shop...they met at 7pm and continued talking until 1 am when the shop closed. 2 days later she randomly drove to his apartment to say hi, because she couldnt stop thinking about him....which she says was unlike her, she was never one to be the outgoing/make the first move type. But she did it and they began there love affair ...meeting every day if possible. She said she never felt so loved and when they made love she said she enjoyed it which was an experience she didnt know could actually happen.
this amazes me...i was watching this tv show called "swingtown" which shows the lives of 3 women in the 70's . It shows the struggle that women had to go through in order to have their own opinions, and do their own things and know what was giong on in the world without a man's permission. It sickens me that the world used to exist with the belief that a woman existed only for a man to order around and dominate. Some things are even still this way today....
I look at my relationships with men and i over analyze and consider what would trully make me happy. In a world where so many people settle for ordinary...i continue to wait for the extroardinaory....i trully believe that you can tell quickly if you are meant to be with someone or not, so why waste precious time with someone that is just okay instead of taking time and waiting for the magic to arrive. Love is a rare thing, i trully believe that a majority of the people who claim they have found it really havent, and instead are settling for something because they are so afraid of being alone. Im chronically single for this reason. Until someone sweeps me off my feet, I will continue to be independent....and live for only me.....