My restless soul

Leave it to mom to tell me that im slacking on these entries... ;)

I had my mental health clinical today which i confess i was not looking forward too. It ended up being a really rewarding experience. I had a patient who was dealing with some issues that are occuring because of a recent loss of a love one. I really enjoyed talking with him, and hearing a bout his problems that are so much more important than my silly ones I have. Many of the patients on the psych floor are battling some form of substance abuse. Im starting to get pulled in this direction. I am so intrigues by this disease and find such empathy for people who suffer it. Maybe this is because of my family who is plagued by alcoholism and drug abuse, or maybe its because my mother worked at a treatment facility where i spent much of my free time after school hanging out with recovering addicts who are now like family members to me....but I am so passionate about this. I really didnt expect to like mental health and honestly I dont really like having patients with the regular associated mental illnesses, but the fact that most of them are suffering from drug or alcohol addicts sucks me in. Now my list of what i want to do with my life just added another one on it.

ideas for post grad:
1) surgical nurse residency at Vanderbilt Medical Center
2) Nurse at treatment or recovery program (wherever those may be! )
3) going back to school to get my MD or MSN
4) TRAVELING Nursing (which can only be done after a few years old experience)

I have exactly 8 months to figure this out.....thats less that it takes to have a baby....

I have an exam tomorrow which Im prepared for. Living in Toledo has taken me away from the many distractions i had in bowling green and i find myself studying like crazy. Maybe this will be good when the Nclex and hesi roll around.

im starting to stress out about next semester. I have until next friday to decide if i want to apply for a preceptorship. They only offer them in a few areas of nursing and they only have 50 spots total...the only 2 im interested in are critical care or surgical which everyone in my class is interested in and those both take only 10 students each.....so thats 20 spots out of 170 students. and generally it comes down to GPA which mine isnt the hottest...its not bad but its definitely not up there with the smarty pants. While a preceptorship would be an awesome opportunity I worry about the stress.. basically id be taking on job in doing this, and id have paper work and class work to do that i wouldnt have if i didnt take it. you have to get a mandatory number of hours and can only work when your preceptor can so your limited because of the other classes you have to take. Not to mention studying for the Hesi and Nclex ...the hesi being the one i need to graduate and only get 2 attempts to take (mind you last years class mostly failed it the first time and many did the second time and had a delayed graduation). So is it worth it? I mean granted im freaking out that i havent started an IV and my roommate and one of my friends did because they took externships this summer....i know they look at me like im not really experienced but i mean even if i could go back and do an externship i wouldnt...i had an amazing summer at the nursing home and going to nicaragua! so this would give me those experiences i missed but i feel like if i did the residency program i would get those experiences anyway so i dont know. i mean they dont really expect new grads to know it all....honestly. i just havent decided if i want to put myself in such a stressful situation...or is this me just being afraid of a new experience like always? i keep praying about it and i think the answer is to just apply and if i get it means im supposed to do it and if i dont then it means im not...but does fate always work that way???

anyways, i lit a candle last night to st. michael. not because i needed the protection...but because i missed home. that is the kind of thing that would be going on at home and i needed that little reminder here. I recently read a book called "White Oleander" im sure many have seen that movie, and honestly it is a beautifully tragic dark story about a mother and daughter. Im so grateful its not my story and i honestly cant imagine it being my story. Although parts of the mother in that book do remind me of my own. her beauty and ability to captivate anyone with her power (gift as we call it) and her poetic nature....but id say the similarity ends there.

"I rested my head on her leg. She smelled like violets. "We are the wands, " she said. "We strive for beauty and balance, the sensual over the sentimental." "The Wands." I repeated. I wanted her to know I was listening. Our tarot suit, the wands. She used to lay the cards for me, explain the suits: wands and coins, cups and swords......"

My mother doesnt smell like violets, she smells like apple cinnamon and nutmeg....but she would say something like this to me......Are we the wands mother?

extremely happy

here i sit on the floor STILL no desk, updating the journal i never seem to keep anymore. life isnt as fascinating post nicaragua ......it just seems to roll along . i am incredibly happy though, still maintaining my new-found contentment with life.
last weekend i went home and had the opportunity to see my mother speak and share her story at a meeting. I was in awe and amazement at her and her ease as the words came to her. I envy this. I have to think things out before i speak, im unable to articulate my feelings on the spot, and can only make them complete with words after thought and consideration. My mother just stands before a crowd, opens her mouth , and the poet within shows. I am so proud of her, and the challenges she has overcome and the for the challenges she still struggles with but will overcome. after she was doen we had the opportunity to speak and say something to her but me being bashful to strangers and unable to articulate myself in an as meaningful way as i would life opted not too
afterwards i figured what i would have liked to of said was something like this : Mom, I am so proud of you for all of this and in effect i am glad that these challenges were ones that you had because they have made you who you are, a wonderful person who has shown me true strength and through those challenges has introduced me to such wonderful people you have met as a support system and has shown me a different way of thinking that isnt so close minded but open minded...i am so glad you are who you are, and i wouldnt trade that for anything... i love you indescribably.
:)
I finished reading the book "the kite runner" which was a bit hard on me to read. Although, i would definitely recommend this to everyone! Its such an emotional heartfelt story that was wonderfully written. I dare say it is a classic of our time!
Im starting to worry about postgrad life and wonder where im supposed to be going after this is all over in may. I dont even know what to think. Im starting to think a lot about nashville, being that is where i almost went for undergrad....Vanderbilt has nursing residency programs and one in surgical nursing which is my area of interest. I would be part of the program if picked for one year and t hen have one year working committment with them. The only thing is my doubt for surgery....many people, 3 actually, have told me that i dont belong in surgery because i am so good with relationships with patients and in surgery you dont have the chance to talk to the patients and communicate with them which would be a waste of "my skill", this makes me so sad to hear because i love internal bodies and organs systems and the miracle of life that is one b eat of heart that you can hold in your hand . I just have to wade the waters and see waht happens. i know if its where im supposed to be it will be where i end up. Im going to look more into that program and pray more and i believe things will fall into place.
i miss nicaragua so much, i wish there was a way i could do that for my whole life...just work for free, travelling to impoverished countries and cities in america and handing out free healthcare....im starting to worry im losing the glow that i had when i came back and the happiness and contentment i felt...im actively searching to revive it...and i find it with my nicaragua friends just being wiht them kind of keeps it alive.
jose is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, i see him a lot at the library and i have such a nice time talking to him. He jokes that i will be engaged soon, which is so unlikely being that i dont even have an inkling of a boy in my life....oh jose, such a kidder. But its so nice to see him, and the other people on campus ....
having more friends in the medical field is so nice...its just a common bond and understanding that life can be trying but were doing this selflessly...i know many are in it for the money but these are the ones who are in it to make a difference. I would still be a nurse if i only ended up making 20, 000 as opposed to the probable 50,000.....
i need to keep the spirit alive... i desperately dont want to go back to the dark cloud i was under before the trip......eeek

American Girl w/ pics of old hollywood beauty