when your non-boyfriend tells you something he's doing that he has been keeping from you, that you dont necessarily approve of the correct response is not "you dont deserve me"
this just leads to an entire night of text fighting back and forth. sometimes taking a personal dig at someone and not meaning it does more dammage than if you actually did. because if i meant it, i wouldnt care that he feels terrible. i wouldnt care that he now is withdrawing from me. i wouldnt care that i feel like crap. instead i would be done. but this is not the case.
instead i am feeling very very low.
Jose tells me i am a stupid girl. that being in a non-relationship will only get me hurt. plant a seed of doubt, water it with a confession, warm it with stress of finals...and a garden grows.
this analogy, sounds beautiful, but in reality it is a big pile of crap.
i wish i could drug myself with nyquil and sleep for days. instead i have a gero exam in the morning that i am not particulary worried about but instead i am sitting here, trying to vent and feel better with some sort of therapeutic writing, all the while trying to think of something to say to make it all better.
i feel like i sabotaged a good thing.
i wish we could reverse time, take back the things we did or said that we regret, and that memory would be erased. or i wish there was a secret phrase that could be said to erase it, or to make people feel better, and forget their hurt and pain. I wish i could heal with more than just medicine. i wish i had a giant eraser that whiped away the graffitti and damage of words said without thought.
but most of all, i wish i wasnt so dysfunctional, to think that everyone will leave me, that i have to push them away before they do. to use every sticky situation as an escape, to make people hurt to avoid getting hurt. maybe i dont really do this but why else do i do this when things get rough.
if you love someone so much, why do you hurt them ??
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
friday
Today was my last friday classes of the fall semester, my last class of my last fall semester as an undergrad.
Im really going to miss mental health, really liked it and may do it in the future. In class we talked a bit about the elderly population's mental health issues in terms of dementia and delirium. One of the signs/symptoms of dementia is wandering/forgetting where one is...this made me think of little old jerry at the nursing home constantly wheeling up the the front desk asking where he could get a room/ where his room is and getting so frusterated with me and demanding that I show him, which eventually became our ritual.
After mental we had our community health presentations based off of our aggregate papers all of our clinical groups had written. My group had done childhood immunizations and then had a teaching project with the GRADS program in Fulton County which teaches teen parents or expecting teens parents. It was an interesting program that kept teens in school and was moving towards graduating high school as well as educating on effective parenting. The woman in charge was a pleasure to get to know, and lived such an eventful life that I cant imagine living myself. She had true empathy for these kids and worked as their advocate in society. I hope I can use my own voice in this way for some sort of population.
Which leads me back to the mental health class where our teacher talked about the "clinical gerontological nurse practicioner" . I know that I will go to grad school eventually and in 2 years it will be a doctorate program because they are getting rid of the masters in nursing...i just dont quite know what area i would go in. Basically of the choices it has come down to gero, women's, and addiction specialist. But lets behonest, while women's health and addictions truly interest me, it has always been my love of old people that leads me. So we shall see where that goes, it was just something I can totally picture myself falling into, working either with geri-psych or a long term care facility,
All of this pondering has led me to truly miss my Betty Boo, I plan on seeing her on Christmas Eve, and I want to make the event special for her in some way because I know she will be alone as her sister has her own plans to persue for christmas. Christmas is a hard time for her because it was on christmas that she sat down with her husband in the morning, offered him one of the many gifts she had got him and was told "i dont want anything from you this christmas but a divorce" which betty was devistated to hear.
she said she had cleaned out his drawers (i cant recall if this was after he said this or weeks before while putting his laundry away) and found a envelope of letters from another woman talking about being with him, several letters that were replies to ones he must have sent. she said on christmas he admitted to the affair and was going to leave Betty for this other woman. This same man also turned Betty's only son away from her. While Betty did find love again, her beloved passed away as I am sure i have mentioned in previous posts. Therefore, she probably needs some cheering up for the holidays.
I dont know what i can do that will be big enough as i wish it could be, ill have to keep thinking but i cant stand the thought of her not being with people on christmas, or for any of the residents for that matter......i want to take them all with me to my own family party but something tells me wheeling in a bunch of incontinent and confused older adults wouldnt be the holiday dream for others that it is for me.
none the less, i have to do what i can.
Im really going to miss mental health, really liked it and may do it in the future. In class we talked a bit about the elderly population's mental health issues in terms of dementia and delirium. One of the signs/symptoms of dementia is wandering/forgetting where one is...this made me think of little old jerry at the nursing home constantly wheeling up the the front desk asking where he could get a room/ where his room is and getting so frusterated with me and demanding that I show him, which eventually became our ritual.
After mental we had our community health presentations based off of our aggregate papers all of our clinical groups had written. My group had done childhood immunizations and then had a teaching project with the GRADS program in Fulton County which teaches teen parents or expecting teens parents. It was an interesting program that kept teens in school and was moving towards graduating high school as well as educating on effective parenting. The woman in charge was a pleasure to get to know, and lived such an eventful life that I cant imagine living myself. She had true empathy for these kids and worked as their advocate in society. I hope I can use my own voice in this way for some sort of population.
Which leads me back to the mental health class where our teacher talked about the "clinical gerontological nurse practicioner" . I know that I will go to grad school eventually and in 2 years it will be a doctorate program because they are getting rid of the masters in nursing...i just dont quite know what area i would go in. Basically of the choices it has come down to gero, women's, and addiction specialist. But lets behonest, while women's health and addictions truly interest me, it has always been my love of old people that leads me. So we shall see where that goes, it was just something I can totally picture myself falling into, working either with geri-psych or a long term care facility,
All of this pondering has led me to truly miss my Betty Boo, I plan on seeing her on Christmas Eve, and I want to make the event special for her in some way because I know she will be alone as her sister has her own plans to persue for christmas. Christmas is a hard time for her because it was on christmas that she sat down with her husband in the morning, offered him one of the many gifts she had got him and was told "i dont want anything from you this christmas but a divorce" which betty was devistated to hear.
she said she had cleaned out his drawers (i cant recall if this was after he said this or weeks before while putting his laundry away) and found a envelope of letters from another woman talking about being with him, several letters that were replies to ones he must have sent. she said on christmas he admitted to the affair and was going to leave Betty for this other woman. This same man also turned Betty's only son away from her. While Betty did find love again, her beloved passed away as I am sure i have mentioned in previous posts. Therefore, she probably needs some cheering up for the holidays.
I dont know what i can do that will be big enough as i wish it could be, ill have to keep thinking but i cant stand the thought of her not being with people on christmas, or for any of the residents for that matter......i want to take them all with me to my own family party but something tells me wheeling in a bunch of incontinent and confused older adults wouldnt be the holiday dream for others that it is for me.
none the less, i have to do what i can.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
newness
I have a new laptop.
dad bought one as a trade offer for my desktop computer. His has been around since probably my freshman year of high school and is seriously on the slow side. So, we are doing a little tradesy, and yes i know this makes me a bratt.
But this means I can now blog in bed, which i must say is a great creative outlet for me, bed really does get the wheels going in the brain and cause a unique thinking pattern and enhancess the outlook on life, at least when its not at 4 am and you are desperately trying to fall asleep.
The person I am dating has a child. There I said it. i tend to go for complicated, its just in my DNA, i simply cannot help it. In making plans over winter break I am finding myself at odds choosing activities. For example, next friday my options are going to an ugly christmas sweater party at one of my best friend's boyfriend's house or going to see santa claus with non-boyfriend and his child. So when you are 22/3 on the verge of graduation and entering responsible adult land, rarely go out anymore and dont necessarily find is as thrilling as you did sophomore year when the highlight of the week was how many vodka shots you could take before vommitting in the dorm room recycling bin (not that innocent little me would EVER try something life that) those days have been over since that black summer i entered nursing school and my friday night shots were replaced by learning the LITERAL meaning of the word shot, (IM, IV, SubQ??)
and yet, i am reminded that i am still 22/3 and i dont have to give up going to parties because isnt that what people my age are supposed to do????? if thats the case then why does hanging out with non-bf and non-bf-baby seem so appealing???
my friends would die, absolutely keel over if they knew i passed up on a party for that.
thats partly the reason why i feel obligation to go to the party.
but i feel bad because single men will be at the party, and i am techinally a single girl, who is being pushed to flirt with whoever my said friend is pushing me toward. lets just say shes not a fan of non-boyfriend.
so do you choose the past? or a potential future???
both tell me to do what i want. but how am i supposed to know what i want? its so much easier to have other people tell me, and make the decision for me. but no one is doing that.
anyways, i had the strangest memory the other day. I remember being like 8 9 or 10, who the heck knows....sitting at the dinner table that my mother set, and looking at all the food that was made. I remember sitting there with my step brother and step sister and step father at the time, who had all begun eating there food from the plate my mother prepared for them....but my mother wasnt there at the table, she was still in the kitchen, getting things ready that probably werent even necessary for the meal, but in her mind they were necessary to make the stepfather happy...she would come sit with us when most of the food was scarfed down, and I remmeber him
saying he needed something and she would jump from her seat and get it. I wish i could go back to my little self and just yell "get off your fucking ass, use the 2 legs God gave you, and get the fucking ketchup your own damn self, and leave my mother alone!"
sorry, little bitter on that one i guess???? =)
finals are next monday through wednesday. then i am only one semester away from boards and becoming an RN....oh geez. here we go....
dad bought one as a trade offer for my desktop computer. His has been around since probably my freshman year of high school and is seriously on the slow side. So, we are doing a little tradesy, and yes i know this makes me a bratt.
But this means I can now blog in bed, which i must say is a great creative outlet for me, bed really does get the wheels going in the brain and cause a unique thinking pattern and enhancess the outlook on life, at least when its not at 4 am and you are desperately trying to fall asleep.
The person I am dating has a child. There I said it. i tend to go for complicated, its just in my DNA, i simply cannot help it. In making plans over winter break I am finding myself at odds choosing activities. For example, next friday my options are going to an ugly christmas sweater party at one of my best friend's boyfriend's house or going to see santa claus with non-boyfriend and his child. So when you are 22/3 on the verge of graduation and entering responsible adult land, rarely go out anymore and dont necessarily find is as thrilling as you did sophomore year when the highlight of the week was how many vodka shots you could take before vommitting in the dorm room recycling bin (not that innocent little me would EVER try something life that) those days have been over since that black summer i entered nursing school and my friday night shots were replaced by learning the LITERAL meaning of the word shot, (IM, IV, SubQ??)
and yet, i am reminded that i am still 22/3 and i dont have to give up going to parties because isnt that what people my age are supposed to do????? if thats the case then why does hanging out with non-bf and non-bf-baby seem so appealing???
my friends would die, absolutely keel over if they knew i passed up on a party for that.
thats partly the reason why i feel obligation to go to the party.
but i feel bad because single men will be at the party, and i am techinally a single girl, who is being pushed to flirt with whoever my said friend is pushing me toward. lets just say shes not a fan of non-boyfriend.
so do you choose the past? or a potential future???
both tell me to do what i want. but how am i supposed to know what i want? its so much easier to have other people tell me, and make the decision for me. but no one is doing that.
anyways, i had the strangest memory the other day. I remember being like 8 9 or 10, who the heck knows....sitting at the dinner table that my mother set, and looking at all the food that was made. I remember sitting there with my step brother and step sister and step father at the time, who had all begun eating there food from the plate my mother prepared for them....but my mother wasnt there at the table, she was still in the kitchen, getting things ready that probably werent even necessary for the meal, but in her mind they were necessary to make the stepfather happy...she would come sit with us when most of the food was scarfed down, and I remmeber him
saying he needed something and she would jump from her seat and get it. I wish i could go back to my little self and just yell "get off your fucking ass, use the 2 legs God gave you, and get the fucking ketchup your own damn self, and leave my mother alone!"
sorry, little bitter on that one i guess???? =)
finals are next monday through wednesday. then i am only one semester away from boards and becoming an RN....oh geez. here we go....
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