settling anxiety

Last night was the benefit at Trotters in Toledo. My mom, nana, best friend greer, dad and stepmom went to support me. I have to admit i was extremely nervous to go. I dont know any of the people that are going on the trip...the nursing class i am in was divided into 2 and the other nursing students that are going are all from the same class and I am the only one from the other class. I felt that i was the odd man out because they all knew each other and med students already all knew each other....so i was concerned because i am socially inept and have trouble being outgoing with people my age. generally when people first meet me they think i dont like them because it takes me a while to talk and be friendly...i have to assess the situation before i get involved it in. I dont have this problem with old people. it seems just me peers. I dont really know why it causes me to have social anxiety...i just would rather be my own world.

so we get the the bar and i just an nervous about talking to people and saying hello. I am embarressed to admit that it took me 2 beers to build the courage but i did it...i talked with some people...which felt a bit awkward at first but after i got over the first minute it got better and easier....i sat with one girl from my nursing program and collected donations at the door. And it seems the first thing she said to me was " i dont know anyone here" i immeditely felt a calm come over me...i am not alone! so we talked and she was really nice and it just feels so much better to know that i am not the only person who feels so out of the loop. Plus, i havent been able to go to the packing meetings (where you sit around and count meds...i guess the regulations only allow us to bring an exact amount of certain medications over to nicaragua.....) so i felt like those were bonding opporunities that i was missing.....and i was afraid i was the only person not going. But this girl told me hardly anyone went , and she did and she still feels like she doesnt know anyone.

So i feel so much better about that...and everyone seemed really nice ill just have to take time and unveil myself one petal at a time and i know after the week is up it will be amazing i ever felt this way.

Greer reminded me that it is silly to be so caught up in wanted to know and be friends with these people. because thats not the reason why i am going. I am going to see a different culture, to help them with medical needs, to learn about myself and about the rest of the world. I think that feeling alone and on my two feet without someone holding my hand will be a good experience for me. I have never done anything on my own...this will be a first. I can only amagine what things will unveil to me about myself, and i am eager to see.