Fall

BGSU homecoming was this weekend. I got to see some people i havent seen in a long time. Which inevitably starts that awkward fake conversation. "what are you up to?" "where do you live now?" "where do you work"....i feel like those questions dont actually stem for general concern about one another but rather as a way to measure the way ones life turned out against anothers...a sort of competition.
I cant say that this is true of everyone, because I did see some of my very best friends who managed to get the hell out of BG in 4 years....and the people that i was friends with that were older than me...as most of my friends are. I missed some people though that are far away and couldnt make it back...BG just isnt the same without them.
It has hit me that this is the last call. Next year, if i am able to come back, it will be as an official alumna that is so eerie. My background info will have significantly changed come next year. I have no idea where ill be living, working, talking to, who ill be friends with what ill look like...its crazy. One year can make such a difference in a persons life.
school is going well. im spending so much time, doing the best i can. It looks like i may get the surgical preceptorship which i am so excited about. as much as ill be taking on electively more work for myself than necessary, i feel it will calm my nerves and answer some questions i have about what i want to do postgrad. and regardless of the work, i can deal with it...God never gives you what you cannot handle.
I have been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately. I have been talking to an old friend of mine a lot more than usual. The possibility of it being more hangs in the air and tortures me at night with my classic "what-if's" that i can never seem to break the habit of for long. Im praying about it and taking it one day at a time. But the day is coming where the decision has to be made about being proactive and seeking this out or not. I can imagine myself with him, and it feels like a good thing. But then again dont we always think that in the beginning of another disaster? He would probably be so hurt to find himself generalized as another disaster. I feel sort of like a hypocrite for having feelings for him, for so long preaching that i havent and denying anything to everyone. I have been through mountains and valleys with him, its insane. Its definitely one of those things where you dont really know what purpose this person could possibly serve in your life if not for something more or better than what you already have. I havent admitted this to anyone yet, havent confessed to my feelings or the possibility. I have been building castles in the air of a perfect world that doesnt exist. Im a bit ashamed, and must admit secretly looking for an "out" so i dont have to deal with it. Gosh this is embarressing even writing about but im hoping those that dont really know the private details of my life, and are reading this, cannot identify the secret i hold. I hope you are oblivious....am i as secretive as i think????