note to self

when your non-boyfriend tells you something he's doing that he has been keeping from you, that you dont necessarily approve of the correct response is not "you dont deserve me"

this just leads to an entire night of text fighting back and forth. sometimes taking a personal dig at someone and not meaning it does more dammage than if you actually did. because if i meant it, i wouldnt care that he feels terrible. i wouldnt care that he now is withdrawing from me. i wouldnt care that i feel like crap. instead i would be done. but this is not the case.

instead i am feeling very very low.

Jose tells me i am a stupid girl. that being in a non-relationship will only get me hurt. plant a seed of doubt, water it with a confession, warm it with stress of finals...and a garden grows.
this analogy, sounds beautiful, but in reality it is a big pile of crap.
i wish i could drug myself with nyquil and sleep for days. instead i have a gero exam in the morning that i am not particulary worried about but instead i am sitting here, trying to vent and feel better with some sort of therapeutic writing, all the while trying to think of something to say to make it all better.

i feel like i sabotaged a good thing.

i wish we could reverse time, take back the things we did or said that we regret, and that memory would be erased. or i wish there was a secret phrase that could be said to erase it, or to make people feel better, and forget their hurt and pain. I wish i could heal with more than just medicine. i wish i had a giant eraser that whiped away the graffitti and damage of words said without thought.

but most of all, i wish i wasnt so dysfunctional, to think that everyone will leave me, that i have to push them away before they do. to use every sticky situation as an escape, to make people hurt to avoid getting hurt. maybe i dont really do this but why else do i do this when things get rough.

if you love someone so much, why do you hurt them ??