newness

I have a new laptop.
dad bought one as a trade offer for my desktop computer. His has been around since probably my freshman year of high school and is seriously on the slow side. So, we are doing a little tradesy, and yes i know this makes me a bratt.
But this means I can now blog in bed, which i must say is a great creative outlet for me, bed really does get the wheels going in the brain and cause a unique thinking pattern and enhancess the outlook on life, at least when its not at 4 am and you are desperately trying to fall asleep.

The person I am dating has a child. There I said it. i tend to go for complicated, its just in my DNA, i simply cannot help it. In making plans over winter break I am finding myself at odds choosing activities. For example, next friday my options are going to an ugly christmas sweater party at one of my best friend's boyfriend's house or going to see santa claus with non-boyfriend and his child. So when you are 22/3 on the verge of graduation and entering responsible adult land, rarely go out anymore and dont necessarily find is as thrilling as you did sophomore year when the highlight of the week was how many vodka shots you could take before vommitting in the dorm room recycling bin (not that innocent little me would EVER try something life that) those days have been over since that black summer i entered nursing school and my friday night shots were replaced by learning the LITERAL meaning of the word shot, (IM, IV, SubQ??)
and yet, i am reminded that i am still 22/3 and i dont have to give up going to parties because isnt that what people my age are supposed to do????? if thats the case then why does hanging out with non-bf and non-bf-baby seem so appealing???
my friends would die, absolutely keel over if they knew i passed up on a party for that.
thats partly the reason why i feel obligation to go to the party.
but i feel bad because single men will be at the party, and i am techinally a single girl, who is being pushed to flirt with whoever my said friend is pushing me toward. lets just say shes not a fan of non-boyfriend.
so do you choose the past? or a potential future???
both tell me to do what i want. but how am i supposed to know what i want? its so much easier to have other people tell me, and make the decision for me. but no one is doing that.

anyways, i had the strangest memory the other day. I remember being like 8 9 or 10, who the heck knows....sitting at the dinner table that my mother set, and looking at all the food that was made. I remember sitting there with my step brother and step sister and step father at the time, who had all begun eating there food from the plate my mother prepared for them....but my mother wasnt there at the table, she was still in the kitchen, getting things ready that probably werent even necessary for the meal, but in her mind they were necessary to make the stepfather happy...she would come sit with us when most of the food was scarfed down, and I remmeber him
saying he needed something and she would jump from her seat and get it. I wish i could go back to my little self and just yell "get off your fucking ass, use the 2 legs God gave you, and get the fucking ketchup your own damn self, and leave my mother alone!"

sorry, little bitter on that one i guess???? =)


finals are next monday through wednesday. then i am only one semester away from boards and becoming an RN....oh geez. here we go....