sunday

I just got home from my neice's 5th birthday party. I feel so old. I cant believe she is 5. she asked her grandmother (not my relative!) if she was the oldest person on the planet. I laughed so hard because i remember what it was like to not realize how long the world has existed and how many generations of people have passed through this planet. She just knows what exists through her eyes, and her young mind cant comprehend much more than that. Too be that innocent and niave is such a blessing we all have for only a short time. To not know the problems of the world, to believe nothing can harm you and that your mother is the smartest most beautiful woman on the planet...
well i guess i still believe that one!
I cant believe this my last week at the nursing home. I honestly dont know what ill do without all my old friends who come and talk to me everyday. They love to hear about my life and what i do when im not at the nursing home. I always feel like I am the most boring person a life and that i should do more exciting and crazy things in my free time so that i have actual good stories to tell but they dont seem to mind. I love to hear about there lives. I believe that looking at the world through the eyes of someone who has already lived life is the most educational thing a person can do.
Im not really sure why im blogging except i have this nagging feelling like its something is hould be doing at this moment.
My love life is the most exaughsting aspect of my world right now. Its like old flames are coming back, all together in a pack ...just squeezing through the cracks to make an appearance...and UNWELCOME appearance. between the drunken 'i love you' voicemails, texts, and old dramas being brought up again it just seems endless. My boss recently said that she never goes back to old relationships because they ended for a reason and that reason means you arent supposed to be together...she says she is an "upward and onward" kind of girl and she looks at every relationship failure as an opportunity and promise that something better is out there and she focuses on that excitement instead. I think that is a very good mentality and something i should adopt in order to prevent myself from being snatched back to the past with one of these guys.
I think sometimes i fool myself into creating a false identity for a guy and i believe in it wholeheartedly and refuse to see the guy for who he truly is. Im really ready for a new romance, someone new...who isnt in any way connected to the people of my past. Who is mature, not crazy, doesnt have crazy ex's (or a current relationship they feel they need to hide), who doesnt have a chemical dependancy or addiction, who has goals, and education, a future...doesnt live off their parents or plan on living off their parents there whole life, no children, a nice car, a good job or promise of a job, someone who loves themself and wants to love others, who helps others, who doesnt want to control me, change me, who knows who there are, and in genuinly interested in who i am as a person....why does it have to be so hard?

I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is, or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of creation if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees — my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath — a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff — he's always, always in my mind — not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself — but as my own being — so, don't talk of our separation again — it is impracticable.

(wuthering heights....it just doenst get much more romantic than that)