It is 5 am and im definitly awake! ive been out of school for one week and returned to hospital night shift and my circadium rhythm is already off course! I hope i go to bed soon, luckily i can sleep all day today because im starting my next 3 night stretch.

Returning to the hospital was not the smooth transition that I had hoped! generally in summer it can be a little bit quieter in the hospital, and this was indeed the case....for every floor but the one i work on.

and i dont know if the moon was off its course or what but these patients were definitely acting as though it was full....of the 8 patients we consistently had on the floor, 4 were confused and 2 of those were climbers (people who attempt to get out of bed and risk falling due to weakness) and 1 of those 2 was combative...needless to say i injured my back constantly moving this people around in bed to keep them situation and safe.

when you work several days in a row you tend to get the same load. I had one patient that I had each night. he was married, in his 60's and his wife never left his bedside. he had a lengthy unfortuante health history but his wife was supportive and you could tell that they truly loved each other after all the years of marriage between them. In fact their aniverary was coming up that weekend. i got really close to this couple and it was the one thing i actually looked forward to when coming to work. The patient gave me a hard time, joking around that I was a pain in his ass, but he was fun and I liked to joke with him. Both were sweet. unfortunatly after this patients surgery on my last day, he did not survive the night. He unexpectadle went into respirtory distress and passed away shortly before morning shift change. I was heartbroken.

now death is certainly part of my job. I have seen several people take there last breathe, some with family by their side, others alone. Ive seen people go through code situations where they have been shoked, and pumped for a while and not response. and ive seen people go peacefully with pain medication as we anticipate the end.

This is part of the job, and it sucks. any experienced nurse will tell you "it gets easier" and to that nurse i say that bull shit. why should it get easier to see someone die....we did not become nurses to watch people die, we became nurses to help these people live.

I took this particular loss the hardest than any other, partially because i got so attached, and i think also because it was unexpected. but mostly i think it is because i am a newly wed looking forward to years and years of happiness with my husband and i cannot for the life of me imagine or dream of the day that one of us will be taken from the other and i cannot imagine the heartache that comes with this.

i went home from work that morning, after running the dealth certificate and calling his family to inform them of the loss ...and i balled with mark and masons arms around me. and then i spend the entire day/night/ and next day in bed. when i wasnt sleeping i was running this patients labs through my head, thinking of the meds i gave him, his blood pressure, his lung sounds...was there any indication that i hadnt noticed...was this somehow my fault? did i fail as a nurse. after my rest i felt better, and I realize that while im a nurse whose job it is to keep these people alive and well...i am not God and he is the one who decides when life begins and ends. This man woke up at 3 am and told his wife he was dying, he didnt go into distress until 5 am...he somehow knew. he was ready. but i wasnt. but its not my job to be.

now i can move on from this . its not something that ill carry with me daily and be upset about but im not a machine and im human and have emotions and needed to deal with it in my own little way.

my prayers are with the wife, that she may heal in her own little way as well. may God shine on her now more than ever.


i know im meant to be a nurse but hospital nursing isnt necessarily for me, truly evident after last week, as much as i love the thrill , im happier in the prevention setting. my manager offered me a prn position in home health which gives me the chance to leave the hospital, im considering it but unsure how happy id be in home health. im planning on doing a day where i run with someone and see what i think.
God will take me where I need to go.

My husband is in st louis with his guy friends tonight for a comedy tour from a tv show he likes, i miss him terribly. i miss my mason too who is off in myrtle beach with his mom, coincidentely the same week as my dad and stepmom. everyone is off having fun without little ol me! hehe. God bless them all and bring them safe back to me !