Saturday, November 8, 2008
im listening to the twilight soundtrack and feeling kind of in a "bare your soul" mood.
So, Obama wins the election and I can continue being an American citizen (haha!) . Im really looking forward to the changes that will be made and the new nation that will emerge. I feel like things have already changed. I really feel the poor will have their day. It is engraved in my heart to help the poor, especially the children. I wish I could save the world.
I ran into Denise, the RN that went with us to Nicaragua. Im actually in her class next semester for HESI prep. Im really excited. She is teaching a masters course and has arranged to take the grad students to Nicaragua for a thesis project over spring break. Im so excited for her and incredibly jealous. I am dying to go back. Ive been dreaming about it so much lately. Will, the leader is headed to Darfur over Christmas break to do mission work there. Ill just be heading back to Cleveland. I know in time with education and experience I can do these things too. The programs that work with foreign countries all require some experience, and Ill get there!
Im still obsessed with the idea of not knowing what to do with myself come May. I have been researching a Europe trip which is extremely expensive. I would have to take an enormous loan out , which at this time in the economy probably isnt the smartest thing. But i think that trip would really help me grow as a person and allow me to get to know myself before i join the working world and society. I think i fear being apart of this. I dont want to be ordinary. I dont want my life to be the same thing day in and day out. I dont ever want to be bored. Luckily, I dont think nursing can bring a boring life.
Im taking off to New Hampshire next weekend to visit Julia. Shes only a hour from Boston so we will be doing a city trip. Im praying it doesnt rain like the last Boston trip, which consisted of us running around with hoods up and not really looking at the city as we ran from shelter to shelter, but it did make for a fun trip. But i hope to really absorb it this time and take it in for all i ts beauty.
By the way, my room is functional and clean, so are my emotions. He and I are now postwar, and doing just as well as we were before the war. He has allowed himelf to show some emotion regarding the incident and allowed me to see that in actuality it does bother him, but he has to build a wall and make no emotion seen when dealing with the situation in order to prevent something far worse from blowing up. He has a better game face that I imagined. Enough to fool me into thinking he didnt care...no wonder he is so good at poker.
Dad is coming up today with the desk, my japanese floor sitting ways will come to an end today. I hope this facilitates a better learning experience. And as for the bandaide fixed bed, it didnt last long before a new hole developed, the bed deflated and iwoke up on the ground...so i bit the bullet and bought a new one. This is an air bed designed to be used as an actual bed and its wonderfully comfortable. Facilitating wonderful dreams and deep thoughts before rest.
im off to study for exams, 2 next week. grrr. I cant wait for a break =)
So, Obama wins the election and I can continue being an American citizen (haha!) . Im really looking forward to the changes that will be made and the new nation that will emerge. I feel like things have already changed. I really feel the poor will have their day. It is engraved in my heart to help the poor, especially the children. I wish I could save the world.
I ran into Denise, the RN that went with us to Nicaragua. Im actually in her class next semester for HESI prep. Im really excited. She is teaching a masters course and has arranged to take the grad students to Nicaragua for a thesis project over spring break. Im so excited for her and incredibly jealous. I am dying to go back. Ive been dreaming about it so much lately. Will, the leader is headed to Darfur over Christmas break to do mission work there. Ill just be heading back to Cleveland. I know in time with education and experience I can do these things too. The programs that work with foreign countries all require some experience, and Ill get there!
Im still obsessed with the idea of not knowing what to do with myself come May. I have been researching a Europe trip which is extremely expensive. I would have to take an enormous loan out , which at this time in the economy probably isnt the smartest thing. But i think that trip would really help me grow as a person and allow me to get to know myself before i join the working world and society. I think i fear being apart of this. I dont want to be ordinary. I dont want my life to be the same thing day in and day out. I dont ever want to be bored. Luckily, I dont think nursing can bring a boring life.
Im taking off to New Hampshire next weekend to visit Julia. Shes only a hour from Boston so we will be doing a city trip. Im praying it doesnt rain like the last Boston trip, which consisted of us running around with hoods up and not really looking at the city as we ran from shelter to shelter, but it did make for a fun trip. But i hope to really absorb it this time and take it in for all i ts beauty.
By the way, my room is functional and clean, so are my emotions. He and I are now postwar, and doing just as well as we were before the war. He has allowed himelf to show some emotion regarding the incident and allowed me to see that in actuality it does bother him, but he has to build a wall and make no emotion seen when dealing with the situation in order to prevent something far worse from blowing up. He has a better game face that I imagined. Enough to fool me into thinking he didnt care...no wonder he is so good at poker.
Dad is coming up today with the desk, my japanese floor sitting ways will come to an end today. I hope this facilitates a better learning experience. And as for the bandaide fixed bed, it didnt last long before a new hole developed, the bed deflated and iwoke up on the ground...so i bit the bullet and bought a new one. This is an air bed designed to be used as an actual bed and its wonderfully comfortable. Facilitating wonderful dreams and deep thoughts before rest.
im off to study for exams, 2 next week. grrr. I cant wait for a break =)
Monday, November 3, 2008
i had a dream last night that I was leaving to go to Puerto Rico to do medical missions and save the children but as i was on my way to the airport, I realized i forgot my passport, shoes, and socks. I woke up shortly after so I dont know really what became of it.
I think this is a sign that my mind has been jumbled lately....not exactly in one place and one time but scattered all over.
I have come to realize that the level of my emotional status and capabilities can be judged by the state of my room. If it is messy, so are my emotions. If it is clean, im stable. If it so bad it looks like a tornado hit, BEWARE.
This is the current state. Piles of clothes have accumulated so much that i cant remember which ones were clean and which ones were dirty. I found 7 socks at the end of my bed today, dont know why its uneven. and my bed is actively deflating, i found a hole in it last night and placed a bandaide over it in a drowsy stupor. the bandaide seems to be holding up just fine, at least the air is leaving as a slower pace.
I think things will be getting better here within a few days. Its not like i can really justify these feelings on one happening. its just my pms, time in the moon cycle, stupidity of certain people, and the letting go of something serious that happened.
im going home tomorrow night , which i am excited about. but i am getting a cat scan on wednesday. Im not concerned about it , but the barium i have to drink reminds me of that nasty taste of fleet phosphosoda mixed with lemon gatoraide which is activating my gag reflex as i write.
I am reading the book sense & senseability and i am identifying the characters so much I feel like jane austin has invaded my very core.
I am also reading the 50 greatest love letters ever written, which is torture. ad much as we all wish we would recieve these love letter, the epilogue behind the romances all involve some sort of affair and tragedy beyond comprehension. I hope this doesnt become my life.
I think this is a sign that my mind has been jumbled lately....not exactly in one place and one time but scattered all over.
I have come to realize that the level of my emotional status and capabilities can be judged by the state of my room. If it is messy, so are my emotions. If it is clean, im stable. If it so bad it looks like a tornado hit, BEWARE.
This is the current state. Piles of clothes have accumulated so much that i cant remember which ones were clean and which ones were dirty. I found 7 socks at the end of my bed today, dont know why its uneven. and my bed is actively deflating, i found a hole in it last night and placed a bandaide over it in a drowsy stupor. the bandaide seems to be holding up just fine, at least the air is leaving as a slower pace.
I think things will be getting better here within a few days. Its not like i can really justify these feelings on one happening. its just my pms, time in the moon cycle, stupidity of certain people, and the letting go of something serious that happened.
im going home tomorrow night , which i am excited about. but i am getting a cat scan on wednesday. Im not concerned about it , but the barium i have to drink reminds me of that nasty taste of fleet phosphosoda mixed with lemon gatoraide which is activating my gag reflex as i write.
I am reading the book sense & senseability and i am identifying the characters so much I feel like jane austin has invaded my very core.
I am also reading the 50 greatest love letters ever written, which is torture. ad much as we all wish we would recieve these love letter, the epilogue behind the romances all involve some sort of affair and tragedy beyond comprehension. I hope this doesnt become my life.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
OBAMA
my father called me today to tell me that i have to vote the way he wants me to since i am dependent on him financially. He said when I am out on my own I can vote whatever way I want. What he fails to understand is that this president will be president when I am on my own, working and paying back my 20, 000 + amount of loans, trying to afford my own car, home, health insurance and many other costs that are ahead of me...for the first time standing on my own 2 feet. I have the right to my own opinion and I have my own voice as an American....this is the land of the free...Its a beautiful country that allows me the opportunity to speak my mind and vote the way I want, to make up my own mind.
i have no previously blogged about the presidential races. I have never been one to believe in shoving my opinion down anyone else's throat. Let's face it, if you feel as passionately about one candidate vs. another as I do, I am probably not going to change you're mind and you will not change mine. And nothing positive can come from arguing about it. But because i am so riled up from my beloved father I have to voice my opinions...MY opinions , on MY blog...so if you have a problem with them or me or it, leave it alone. (disclaimer : I am not a perfect person so some of my points may be wrong, im not going to research them , this is off the top of my head ...hence the term "rambling heart" so dont be a fact checker...no one likes that...and excuse the typos!)
Reasons why I am voting for OBAMA:
1) lets talk economy since thats what the debates have mostly been focusing on....yes it sucks, yes were in a depression...but instead of whinning about it and pointing fingers lets get real. Obama wants to cut taxes for middle class families...and thats 95% of americans...thats people like Me and my friends and my family, if you make more that 250,000 you will still be taxed. and im sorry but if you have that blessing in life than i think you should pay taxes, and i get the whole argument that you take from the rich who "earned" it and give to the poor who havent. but seriously lets be real. do you think a child who is born to a family in poverty, who has no father present in her life, and is being raised by her grandparents who are older and dont really pay much attention to her and can barely afford to put food on the table because they have to pay for there medical prescriptions out of pocket ... doesnt deserve government aide? because shes not "earning it"??? how has she been fostered in a caring loving environment or given opportunities to earn it. Because someone was lucky enough to be born to a rich family and inherit a company and own 7 houses and run for president "earned it"?? i dont know.
2) HEALTH CARE : I truly and fundamentally believe this should be a basic right of all citizens. how could you say otherwise? I went to Nicaragua and i saw people who live in such a recked government and are not receiving medical help. I am so fortunate to live in a country where we have access to healthcare, but it is completely un affordable. How can i as a nurse say that Obama is wrong to want to give healthcare to everyone and to make sure that companies arent costing them more than necessary??? And McCain's plan is to give money to people to afford health care? well what happens when they get sick and the copays start building up and before you know it that are under billions in costs and they just cant do it anymore? Employers should offer health care and be taxed if they dont. Because I have a mother who works her ass off on spine made of disintegrating material, and she needs health care ....and if she didnt have her plan she wouldnt be able to work...even though her plan absolutely sucks... and Obama will work to give her the healthcare that federal employees have access too...which lets face it...who has ever heard a bad thing about the governments way of treating its employees???
3) Roe V. Wade - I am pro-choice and so is obama. Mccain : Keep your laws OFF my body.
My roommate said tonight that she thinks that it is wrong to be "pro-abortion"....i looked at her and said who the hell is pro-abortion??? she's also voting for Mccain...ignorance must be bliss. leaving it to the states is rediculous...woman deserve the right to choose...Mccain's argument was that he adopted a baby and is so happy with his family. Okay great then YOU never have an abortion, this country is already filled with more kids that people will adopt adn with the rigerous adoption laws it is so hard to do...and let me also remind you t hat Mccain's wife took a child from another country not a woman who was contemplating abortion. Let me also talk abotu birth control...sorry but i think this would prevent a lot of unplanned pregnancies but strangely Mccain voted so that insurance plans wouldnt cover the cost....Obama didnt...and Mccain wants to get rid of plan B.....i mean are you kidding me??? are we really old fashioned enough to believe that people just wont have sex??? i dont think so. Education would prevent it but so would protection because even if people dont get pregnant they should be able to be protected against STD's and condom handouts would do that. Lets just ask sarah palin, who worked to get rid of sex education from the high schools in alaska and instead install an abstinence only program how well that worked for her 18 y ear old daughter who is now pregnant.
i could go on and on because i agree with many more of obama's campaign but those are the top 3 i would have to say top my reasons.
and let me finish this by saying, in no way would i ever vote for a man who has caused so much hatred in his campaign...enough hatred to cause my loving father who is always so proud of me to call me up and demand that i change my vote. thats enough reason there.....
i have no previously blogged about the presidential races. I have never been one to believe in shoving my opinion down anyone else's throat. Let's face it, if you feel as passionately about one candidate vs. another as I do, I am probably not going to change you're mind and you will not change mine. And nothing positive can come from arguing about it. But because i am so riled up from my beloved father I have to voice my opinions...MY opinions , on MY blog...so if you have a problem with them or me or it, leave it alone. (disclaimer : I am not a perfect person so some of my points may be wrong, im not going to research them , this is off the top of my head ...hence the term "rambling heart" so dont be a fact checker...no one likes that...and excuse the typos!)
Reasons why I am voting for OBAMA:
1) lets talk economy since thats what the debates have mostly been focusing on....yes it sucks, yes were in a depression...but instead of whinning about it and pointing fingers lets get real. Obama wants to cut taxes for middle class families...and thats 95% of americans...thats people like Me and my friends and my family, if you make more that 250,000 you will still be taxed. and im sorry but if you have that blessing in life than i think you should pay taxes, and i get the whole argument that you take from the rich who "earned" it and give to the poor who havent. but seriously lets be real. do you think a child who is born to a family in poverty, who has no father present in her life, and is being raised by her grandparents who are older and dont really pay much attention to her and can barely afford to put food on the table because they have to pay for there medical prescriptions out of pocket ... doesnt deserve government aide? because shes not "earning it"??? how has she been fostered in a caring loving environment or given opportunities to earn it. Because someone was lucky enough to be born to a rich family and inherit a company and own 7 houses and run for president "earned it"?? i dont know.
2) HEALTH CARE : I truly and fundamentally believe this should be a basic right of all citizens. how could you say otherwise? I went to Nicaragua and i saw people who live in such a recked government and are not receiving medical help. I am so fortunate to live in a country where we have access to healthcare, but it is completely un affordable. How can i as a nurse say that Obama is wrong to want to give healthcare to everyone and to make sure that companies arent costing them more than necessary??? And McCain's plan is to give money to people to afford health care? well what happens when they get sick and the copays start building up and before you know it that are under billions in costs and they just cant do it anymore? Employers should offer health care and be taxed if they dont. Because I have a mother who works her ass off on spine made of disintegrating material, and she needs health care ....and if she didnt have her plan she wouldnt be able to work...even though her plan absolutely sucks... and Obama will work to give her the healthcare that federal employees have access too...which lets face it...who has ever heard a bad thing about the governments way of treating its employees???
3) Roe V. Wade - I am pro-choice and so is obama. Mccain : Keep your laws OFF my body.
My roommate said tonight that she thinks that it is wrong to be "pro-abortion"....i looked at her and said who the hell is pro-abortion??? she's also voting for Mccain...ignorance must be bliss. leaving it to the states is rediculous...woman deserve the right to choose...Mccain's argument was that he adopted a baby and is so happy with his family. Okay great then YOU never have an abortion, this country is already filled with more kids that people will adopt adn with the rigerous adoption laws it is so hard to do...and let me also remind you t hat Mccain's wife took a child from another country not a woman who was contemplating abortion. Let me also talk abotu birth control...sorry but i think this would prevent a lot of unplanned pregnancies but strangely Mccain voted so that insurance plans wouldnt cover the cost....Obama didnt...and Mccain wants to get rid of plan B.....i mean are you kidding me??? are we really old fashioned enough to believe that people just wont have sex??? i dont think so. Education would prevent it but so would protection because even if people dont get pregnant they should be able to be protected against STD's and condom handouts would do that. Lets just ask sarah palin, who worked to get rid of sex education from the high schools in alaska and instead install an abstinence only program how well that worked for her 18 y ear old daughter who is now pregnant.
i could go on and on because i agree with many more of obama's campaign but those are the top 3 i would have to say top my reasons.
and let me finish this by saying, in no way would i ever vote for a man who has caused so much hatred in his campaign...enough hatred to cause my loving father who is always so proud of me to call me up and demand that i change my vote. thats enough reason there.....
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Water for Elephants
I had debated reading this book for some time. I kept picking it up during my hours spent at the bookstore...reading a few pages, the back, the commentary....and though intrigued, kept putting it back on the shelf. Until I went to the half price book store, which steals my soul...i found it for only 6 dollars and had to buy it. I fell in love with it. Its so well-written, with such an appealing story of a old man in a nursing home. A circus comes to town a block or 2 over and gets all the residents talking. One man, trying to impress the older ladies states that he was once in the circus as a water carrier for the elephants. Our delightful, yet grumpy, narrator calls him out stating that he did not carry water, for an elephant drinks so much it is impossible to haul that amount...and thus the story begins taking us back to this man's younger years when he joins the circus as a vet. As my father would say "it has a little romantic in it"....This is book for someone with an imagination....I loved it and spent many nights up way past the hour I intended on closing my eyes, and many days regretting staying up, reading this book. I am so sad to have finished it, wanting more. and for those that hate the predictable story, this has a surprise ending, well at least one that i hadnt expected.maybe i just loved it because of my sincere appreciation (and slight obsession) with the older generations. But I have full faith and confidence that anyone who picks it up will fall in love with it as I have.....maybe if you're lucky, and ask really nicely...ill even let you borrow my copy ;)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Fall
BGSU homecoming was this weekend. I got to see some people i havent seen in a long time. Which inevitably starts that awkward fake conversation. "what are you up to?" "where do you live now?" "where do you work"....i feel like those questions dont actually stem for general concern about one another but rather as a way to measure the way ones life turned out against anothers...a sort of competition.
I cant say that this is true of everyone, because I did see some of my very best friends who managed to get the hell out of BG in 4 years....and the people that i was friends with that were older than me...as most of my friends are. I missed some people though that are far away and couldnt make it back...BG just isnt the same without them.
It has hit me that this is the last call. Next year, if i am able to come back, it will be as an official alumna that is so eerie. My background info will have significantly changed come next year. I have no idea where ill be living, working, talking to, who ill be friends with what ill look like...its crazy. One year can make such a difference in a persons life.
school is going well. im spending so much time, doing the best i can. It looks like i may get the surgical preceptorship which i am so excited about. as much as ill be taking on electively more work for myself than necessary, i feel it will calm my nerves and answer some questions i have about what i want to do postgrad. and regardless of the work, i can deal with it...God never gives you what you cannot handle.
I have been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately. I have been talking to an old friend of mine a lot more than usual. The possibility of it being more hangs in the air and tortures me at night with my classic "what-if's" that i can never seem to break the habit of for long. Im praying about it and taking it one day at a time. But the day is coming where the decision has to be made about being proactive and seeking this out or not. I can imagine myself with him, and it feels like a good thing. But then again dont we always think that in the beginning of another disaster? He would probably be so hurt to find himself generalized as another disaster. I feel sort of like a hypocrite for having feelings for him, for so long preaching that i havent and denying anything to everyone. I have been through mountains and valleys with him, its insane. Its definitely one of those things where you dont really know what purpose this person could possibly serve in your life if not for something more or better than what you already have. I havent admitted this to anyone yet, havent confessed to my feelings or the possibility. I have been building castles in the air of a perfect world that doesnt exist. Im a bit ashamed, and must admit secretly looking for an "out" so i dont have to deal with it. Gosh this is embarressing even writing about but im hoping those that dont really know the private details of my life, and are reading this, cannot identify the secret i hold. I hope you are oblivious....am i as secretive as i think????
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