offto work
i cried because i hate it
night shift.
i hate that i didnt sleep today because my boyfriend doesnt think its necessary
i hate that babies get crabby when there tired and all they do is cry about everything
i hate that i use the word hate
i should say dislake
i hate that im broke and i cant get some sour starburst
i hate that i work with crazy ass patients and not children
i hate that im not still in school
i hate that im pmsing adn all i can do is bitch
ugh.
off to save lives, or wipe butts, whatever happens first
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
havent written anything for december, honestly since night shift, i work and then sleep and am too out of whack to do anything remotely exciting. this month was the month of christms which brings family, fun, and stress. now the holidays are almost over, just have to make it through new years in cinci and putting away the presents and we are home free for a while.
sunday is marks birthday, we have mason so im thinking mason and i are going to throw him a little birthday party at our aparatment just the 3 of us. should be fun!
michelle trachenburg stalks me. when i was little i watched harriet the spy and i became a spy riding my bike around the neighbor staring in peoples windows and writing down little comments, my mom and step dad were not to pleased to see me in peoples bushes and all just to write, "man in blue house sitting at table eating pasta" ....nothing exciting happened on maryland. and now michelle is playing a new grad nurse at mercy hospital who wears cute scrubs (just like me) although i find her optimism and excitement annoying...id rather bemore like veronica, headstrong, determined and knowing whats best and standing for it, i think in time that will come. and im excited for that
last night my 103 year old patient tried to bite me and called me a crazy fool. and i just laughed, and blessed her in my head. i have been taking care of an old man who is a friend of the family of mark . i have fell in love with him and his family, and have really become attached to him. michelle my manager told me in my peer review that im emotional at times, and that is expected of a new grad nurse. i kinda thought that was rediculous because i want to always be emotional...but empathetic, i want to cry with my patients when things arent right, and actually care and not be a hard ass. i am able for the most part to leave my emotions at work and it hink thats whats important,. but i vow to never become unemotional at work. i think thats what makes a good nurse.
anyways thats a little bit of an update i dont know what else to say but i am feeling the itch to write again as i have been moody lately. mom told me its because of the blue moon this month, which messes with our feelings, and of course its been an hard time with grandma smiths death and the holiday stress. knowing a reason is easier than carrying moodiness on my own. i just have to let it go, and believe that God is looking out for me, and give up the bad mood and accept happiness into my life
sunday is marks birthday, we have mason so im thinking mason and i are going to throw him a little birthday party at our aparatment just the 3 of us. should be fun!
michelle trachenburg stalks me. when i was little i watched harriet the spy and i became a spy riding my bike around the neighbor staring in peoples windows and writing down little comments, my mom and step dad were not to pleased to see me in peoples bushes and all just to write, "man in blue house sitting at table eating pasta" ....nothing exciting happened on maryland. and now michelle is playing a new grad nurse at mercy hospital who wears cute scrubs (just like me) although i find her optimism and excitement annoying...id rather bemore like veronica, headstrong, determined and knowing whats best and standing for it, i think in time that will come. and im excited for that
last night my 103 year old patient tried to bite me and called me a crazy fool. and i just laughed, and blessed her in my head. i have been taking care of an old man who is a friend of the family of mark . i have fell in love with him and his family, and have really become attached to him. michelle my manager told me in my peer review that im emotional at times, and that is expected of a new grad nurse. i kinda thought that was rediculous because i want to always be emotional...but empathetic, i want to cry with my patients when things arent right, and actually care and not be a hard ass. i am able for the most part to leave my emotions at work and it hink thats whats important,. but i vow to never become unemotional at work. i think thats what makes a good nurse.
anyways thats a little bit of an update i dont know what else to say but i am feeling the itch to write again as i have been moody lately. mom told me its because of the blue moon this month, which messes with our feelings, and of course its been an hard time with grandma smiths death and the holiday stress. knowing a reason is easier than carrying moodiness on my own. i just have to let it go, and believe that God is looking out for me, and give up the bad mood and accept happiness into my life
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
i feel like i havent slept in ages. almost like after dance marathon when i youre awake for 36 + hours depending on what time you had to be there before it started, and you stood on youre feet through the entire time, werent allowed to sit exept for the 15 minute breakfast and dinner you had...and youre entire body just hurt so bad you would give anything to remove your feet and shoulders if it would give you some relief.....but yah i feel kinda similar to that after moving to night shift.
the first night i was supposed to go i woke up feeling kinda sick, kinda like my world was shifted and everything was backwards and the whole world doesnt understand that its actually morning, not night time, so why are all the stores open?? usually they are closed as i approach work...but no iit was night and not morning and i felt emotional aboutleaving the girls on day shift who are so much like me and young and have quickly become my best friends here in ky, so i saw nikki and got report and started crying because i ahted that i had to be there and work a whole night through which just seems so unnatural to me.
now i knew going into this that iw ould be on the night shift and thats was no problem for me, i actually thought id prefer it, or not mind it but after orientation and loving the day shift andthe busyness and the doctors and orders and tests and getting a hands on appraoch the pathology of these patients i dreaded nights...
it started off kinda busy, did my med tosses, and admitted a new patient, and did my assessment and then about 1 am it was dead....no pharmacy, no labs, no tests, no doctors, everyones asleep...and i was B O R E D i hate to be bored at work i would reather be stressed and running around like a mad women taking care of these people, in fact i am driven by stress it motivated me, i feel useful i feel important and that is whyi became a nurse...not to be there in case someone needed to pee, or needed a pillow, im there to heal....so after 2 nights i can say that no i do not like night shift...
i pray and pray for a day opening to come through...i just dont know how ill last...
but other than that
i love kentucky and my life although nowt hat my schedule is switchedi havent seen my boy since friday and i havent seen mason for almost 2 weeks! which is sad because hes growing so fast i dont want to miss a minute.
tonight somer and i are headed to see new moon for the second time. im glad that we are able to hang out since we arent working together anymore, im going to vent my frusterations of night shift to her . but i dont want to seem like i dont like my job or a complainer, a lot of nurses are big complainers and forget that the fundamental reason we do waht we do is to be there for these patienst and i think that if a nurse doesnt want to be there she shouldnt be..no one forces you to work there, so if you hate youre job leave.....i dont want to hear it and a bad mood only puts me in a bad mood, its contagious....so yah i dotn want to do that to somer but she was my preceptor adn now my best friend here so i feel like i can talk to her about it...im optomistic though that itllget better, and that itll only last as long as im the guppie in the pond and eventually i will be able to move to a better shift! I HOPE!
the first night i was supposed to go i woke up feeling kinda sick, kinda like my world was shifted and everything was backwards and the whole world doesnt understand that its actually morning, not night time, so why are all the stores open?? usually they are closed as i approach work...but no iit was night and not morning and i felt emotional aboutleaving the girls on day shift who are so much like me and young and have quickly become my best friends here in ky, so i saw nikki and got report and started crying because i ahted that i had to be there and work a whole night through which just seems so unnatural to me.
now i knew going into this that iw ould be on the night shift and thats was no problem for me, i actually thought id prefer it, or not mind it but after orientation and loving the day shift andthe busyness and the doctors and orders and tests and getting a hands on appraoch the pathology of these patients i dreaded nights...
it started off kinda busy, did my med tosses, and admitted a new patient, and did my assessment and then about 1 am it was dead....no pharmacy, no labs, no tests, no doctors, everyones asleep...and i was B O R E D i hate to be bored at work i would reather be stressed and running around like a mad women taking care of these people, in fact i am driven by stress it motivated me, i feel useful i feel important and that is whyi became a nurse...not to be there in case someone needed to pee, or needed a pillow, im there to heal....so after 2 nights i can say that no i do not like night shift...
i pray and pray for a day opening to come through...i just dont know how ill last...
but other than that
i love kentucky and my life although nowt hat my schedule is switchedi havent seen my boy since friday and i havent seen mason for almost 2 weeks! which is sad because hes growing so fast i dont want to miss a minute.
tonight somer and i are headed to see new moon for the second time. im glad that we are able to hang out since we arent working together anymore, im going to vent my frusterations of night shift to her . but i dont want to seem like i dont like my job or a complainer, a lot of nurses are big complainers and forget that the fundamental reason we do waht we do is to be there for these patienst and i think that if a nurse doesnt want to be there she shouldnt be..no one forces you to work there, so if you hate youre job leave.....i dont want to hear it and a bad mood only puts me in a bad mood, its contagious....so yah i dotn want to do that to somer but she was my preceptor adn now my best friend here so i feel like i can talk to her about it...im optomistic though that itllget better, and that itll only last as long as im the guppie in the pond and eventually i will be able to move to a better shift! I HOPE!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
"he claims that the relapse was a one-shot, three-day mistake and he's fine. But the longer he talks, the more it becomes obvious that his voice is the voice of HIM on something.
I wait.
It's like watching from afar, perhaps through binoculars with imperfect lenses, the moments before a train wreck. All of us who love him commiserate. we all know. and yet there is nothing you can do. "
- beautiful boy, david sheff
I wait.
It's like watching from afar, perhaps through binoculars with imperfect lenses, the moments before a train wreck. All of us who love him commiserate. we all know. and yet there is nothing you can do. "
- beautiful boy, david sheff
Monday, November 9, 2009
i hit a parked car at work tonight as i was leaving
i heard a loud BOOM, felt it, and thought "ah shit, i hit a curb again" and then i looked and it was a car...i got out and looked at a plate sized dent was in the front right of this car. i got back into my car, giggled, and then started crying...called mark, no answer...called mom, she got the machine , prayed prayed prayed and yes she answered
she calmed me down, asked me if i had any damage... well, didnt check for that, get out of the car and check....and i just have a scratch and some paint frm the other car....great. of course id be fine and theyd have a huge dent.
mom told me to go in and get a security guard to find the owner, but i was too embarressed and i didnt wwant to interupt someone if they were with patients so i left a note.
now ill admit i thought briefly of just leaving but then i thought thats terrible karma and theres security cameras lol...i guess im not an angel after all that this thought did come across my mind, it makes me feel guilty even to admit it and to write it makes it real.
well i have my insurance info sitting by my phone, im ready for the call. ijust hope its not the bitchiest person in the hospital that i have yet to encounter or withmy luck its dr. j who yelled at me when i was trying to put a bp cuff on his patient that was newly admitted with a resting HR of about 150, and yelled "NO NO NO I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STOP I CANNOT HEAR THE PATIENT" as he was trying to get a history...because really it makes a lot of noise to put a bp cuff on someone????....yah its probably his car.
all i can think about now though is how i once hit nana's house and grandpa rich came running out in his boxers and no shirt "WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN???" i mean if you know him, just imagine him running, he NEVER ran, big old pot belly and tiny tiny tiny little legs come bolting out the house....i miss that crazy old man.
well thats an update, the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a while ! tomorrow is a day off then i work wed and then the weekend so tomorrow ill be cleaning and doing laundry because my apt is trashed after masons weekend...there are cookie and cereal and cracker crumbs all over and little juice spills...its a mess and its overwhelming to try and keep up with him because one mess just replaces another so i just wait till the time isup then i clean it all and then its usually time for his return! he definitely leaves an impression in more ways that one =)
i heard a loud BOOM, felt it, and thought "ah shit, i hit a curb again" and then i looked and it was a car...i got out and looked at a plate sized dent was in the front right of this car. i got back into my car, giggled, and then started crying...called mark, no answer...called mom, she got the machine , prayed prayed prayed and yes she answered
she calmed me down, asked me if i had any damage... well, didnt check for that, get out of the car and check....and i just have a scratch and some paint frm the other car....great. of course id be fine and theyd have a huge dent.
mom told me to go in and get a security guard to find the owner, but i was too embarressed and i didnt wwant to interupt someone if they were with patients so i left a note.
now ill admit i thought briefly of just leaving but then i thought thats terrible karma and theres security cameras lol...i guess im not an angel after all that this thought did come across my mind, it makes me feel guilty even to admit it and to write it makes it real.
well i have my insurance info sitting by my phone, im ready for the call. ijust hope its not the bitchiest person in the hospital that i have yet to encounter or withmy luck its dr. j who yelled at me when i was trying to put a bp cuff on his patient that was newly admitted with a resting HR of about 150, and yelled "NO NO NO I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STOP I CANNOT HEAR THE PATIENT" as he was trying to get a history...because really it makes a lot of noise to put a bp cuff on someone????....yah its probably his car.
all i can think about now though is how i once hit nana's house and grandpa rich came running out in his boxers and no shirt "WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN???" i mean if you know him, just imagine him running, he NEVER ran, big old pot belly and tiny tiny tiny little legs come bolting out the house....i miss that crazy old man.
well thats an update, the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a while ! tomorrow is a day off then i work wed and then the weekend so tomorrow ill be cleaning and doing laundry because my apt is trashed after masons weekend...there are cookie and cereal and cracker crumbs all over and little juice spills...its a mess and its overwhelming to try and keep up with him because one mess just replaces another so i just wait till the time isup then i clean it all and then its usually time for his return! he definitely leaves an impression in more ways that one =)
Monday, October 26, 2009
you know things have changed when on a long car ride you find yourself listening to elmo's song and mister wiggles instead of your ipod shuffle. and instead of getting the latest carrie underwood song stuck in your head its Sesame street.
needless to say it was an amazing weekend back home to cleveland, and i had a redneck shower so my kitchen is pretty much stocked with things..no more resourcefullness of foil, although it would make a pretty neat book.
im blessed with an amazing family that gives and gives, and loves and loves. its never-ending. It was hard to realize how far i am from them, how much less ig et to see them, the people who molded me and formed me into the woman that i now am... played such a huge part in that and now so far away. i dont want it to feel like im far away and not around much, i want to be around and in there lives. mark and i were talking how we dont want mason to forget everyone he met, the only way to do that is to have frequent trips. i want my kids to be as close to my family as iw as when iwas growing up. thats so important to me, and i dont want distance to effect itl. i think if im determined it will happen.
anways i read in my moms blog about how her mother is becoming her grandmother, and she is turning into her mother. and i laughed because just last night i looked at my mom sitting in the rocking chair and i watched her mannerisms as she played with mason...the way she looked her hair up in a messy pony, a baggy shirt, sweatpants....and i though "thats me" every move she maked, the tone of her voice it was like looking in a mirror...i am becoming my mother. i think this is a natural progression of life....you get busy with work and kids and suddenly youre not the girl with new cute top, skinny jeans, boots, a fake bake tan, white teeth, going out to get some drinks...instead youre more comfortable in that baggy t-shirt and messy pony. because life is busy and you dont just take care of yourself anymore but a little life that looks to you for kisses when he gets a booboo and daddy just says "hes all right, be tough" (although mark rarely does that!)
and i dont think thats such a bad thing. im proud to be my mommy, and ill be proud to be nana, or grandma or aunt lucy....if its one thing my family has its powerful strong beautiful women.
i had tea with my mom, sat and talked, and it was like soul nourishment, to have that one person in this world that knows you frm the moment you were nothing but a centimeter in size. who formed you your whole life and knows how you think and the right thing to say and will never judge you because no matter what she loves you, she created you! i still can feel like her little girl and that makes me so sad because i still want to be that little girl, and i know in her heart i always will be.
anyways, im gettin my period in a few days so thats why im so emotional . im headed back to work wednesday so tomorrow is my lsat day of play on this unexpected vacation ! i think mark and i are going to hit up some of the bourbon trail and finish doing laundry and putting clothes away but well see because i have no intention of setting an alarm and being on any sort of a schedule.
but its nice to blog again and iw ill make more of an effort to do that. life isnt as boring as it seems when you sit down and thing about it...thers always a story somewhere that can be told!
needless to say it was an amazing weekend back home to cleveland, and i had a redneck shower so my kitchen is pretty much stocked with things..no more resourcefullness of foil, although it would make a pretty neat book.
im blessed with an amazing family that gives and gives, and loves and loves. its never-ending. It was hard to realize how far i am from them, how much less ig et to see them, the people who molded me and formed me into the woman that i now am... played such a huge part in that and now so far away. i dont want it to feel like im far away and not around much, i want to be around and in there lives. mark and i were talking how we dont want mason to forget everyone he met, the only way to do that is to have frequent trips. i want my kids to be as close to my family as iw as when iwas growing up. thats so important to me, and i dont want distance to effect itl. i think if im determined it will happen.
anways i read in my moms blog about how her mother is becoming her grandmother, and she is turning into her mother. and i laughed because just last night i looked at my mom sitting in the rocking chair and i watched her mannerisms as she played with mason...the way she looked her hair up in a messy pony, a baggy shirt, sweatpants....and i though "thats me" every move she maked, the tone of her voice it was like looking in a mirror...i am becoming my mother. i think this is a natural progression of life....you get busy with work and kids and suddenly youre not the girl with new cute top, skinny jeans, boots, a fake bake tan, white teeth, going out to get some drinks...instead youre more comfortable in that baggy t-shirt and messy pony. because life is busy and you dont just take care of yourself anymore but a little life that looks to you for kisses when he gets a booboo and daddy just says "hes all right, be tough" (although mark rarely does that!)
and i dont think thats such a bad thing. im proud to be my mommy, and ill be proud to be nana, or grandma or aunt lucy....if its one thing my family has its powerful strong beautiful women.
i had tea with my mom, sat and talked, and it was like soul nourishment, to have that one person in this world that knows you frm the moment you were nothing but a centimeter in size. who formed you your whole life and knows how you think and the right thing to say and will never judge you because no matter what she loves you, she created you! i still can feel like her little girl and that makes me so sad because i still want to be that little girl, and i know in her heart i always will be.
anyways, im gettin my period in a few days so thats why im so emotional . im headed back to work wednesday so tomorrow is my lsat day of play on this unexpected vacation ! i think mark and i are going to hit up some of the bourbon trail and finish doing laundry and putting clothes away but well see because i have no intention of setting an alarm and being on any sort of a schedule.
but its nice to blog again and iw ill make more of an effort to do that. life isnt as boring as it seems when you sit down and thing about it...thers always a story somewhere that can be told!
Friday, October 9, 2009
something told me to check the mail as i came home from work today. maybe its because Im waiting on checks. inside my mailbox was a key with a note that said i have mail waiting for me in 17B....17B is a larger mailbox. i thought , well i guess my checks are here...but to my surprise it was not my checks! it was a little brown box from ohio! my aunt and uncle sent me a little present. mark and i were excited to find some kitched towels (mapine's (sp??)) they are so cute with pumpkins and ghosts! and some fall ones too! we dont have any so its nice to have these, might have to use then even after halloween!!! (thank you aunt lucy! ) i read the know she left me and it said she hasnt read anything lately which is a reminder to me that i need to blog which ive been thinking about needing to do a lot lately . things have been kind of crazy ....heres the update youve been waiting for!
orientation at work was soooo boring, just sat in a cold room everyday listening to people talk abotu stuff im sure they really dont care about...like safety control and poison control blablabla
then i started precpting. the first day i jsut shadowed this woman Dee ann just watched what she did, it was kind of a calm day, she only had 2 patients. then the next day and every time ive worked since i precepted with Somer and i absolutely love her! shes young and fun and such an incredible nurse i hope to grown and be as intelligent in nursing as she is. i have been learning a lot. like computer charting which idont know how ill ever get the hang of it but i guess i will. some days it gets so crazy because we can get admits frm the ER at anytime, or people from the floor or icu....so you have people coming and going . and we dont get a tech most of the time so we do our own primary care which kind of sucks because ithought my butt wiping days were over but at the same time it really gives you a chance to get to know yoru patient and be at there bedside more than just med tosses. im learnng a lot about medications..i feel like ive learned more these past few days than ever in school clinicals.
good news! I PASSED NCLEX!!! taking it was so weird. they do everything but ask you to strip before entering the exam. they took my pic and fingerprints three separate times. then you go in and people are around you but not taking the same exam, some are taking gre or other grad school exams ...everyone is sitting against the wall and every cubicle has a camera peering over you! its creepy. but i took it and was done in 110 questions which was about an hour for me. all my friends were done after 75 so once it hit queston 76 i started to panic a bit but i just calmed down, read the questions and it paid off! i found out 2 days later that i passed after paying 7.00 to the website that offers the exam...and then my number showed up on the ohio BON website! Getting things to transfer to ky has been hard though because in ky ou need 120 hours of training to be a RN so i have what is called a provisional license and thehours start from the day they issued it so basically im starting fresh even though ive been working for a few weeks....but its okay its more training before im on my own...only downside is i get a paycut until then.
other than that mark and i moved into our apt! its so cute! I love it! we need a lot of things but that will come in time. we both jsut recovered from the swine flu and had to miss a few days of work but were much better now. swine flu is nothing to be messed with, definitely the sickest i have felt. and i know ill be sick a lot because as a new grad i have a immature immune system and will get everything, sure the mono doesnt help!
well ill blog more with some cute patients stories! now i have to go to bed
dad and peggy adn grandparents and aunt are in hopkinsville and im off to see them in the AM! yay!!
love you aunt lucy and uncle keith!
orientation at work was soooo boring, just sat in a cold room everyday listening to people talk abotu stuff im sure they really dont care about...like safety control and poison control blablabla
then i started precpting. the first day i jsut shadowed this woman Dee ann just watched what she did, it was kind of a calm day, she only had 2 patients. then the next day and every time ive worked since i precepted with Somer and i absolutely love her! shes young and fun and such an incredible nurse i hope to grown and be as intelligent in nursing as she is. i have been learning a lot. like computer charting which idont know how ill ever get the hang of it but i guess i will. some days it gets so crazy because we can get admits frm the ER at anytime, or people from the floor or icu....so you have people coming and going . and we dont get a tech most of the time so we do our own primary care which kind of sucks because ithought my butt wiping days were over but at the same time it really gives you a chance to get to know yoru patient and be at there bedside more than just med tosses. im learnng a lot about medications..i feel like ive learned more these past few days than ever in school clinicals.
good news! I PASSED NCLEX!!! taking it was so weird. they do everything but ask you to strip before entering the exam. they took my pic and fingerprints three separate times. then you go in and people are around you but not taking the same exam, some are taking gre or other grad school exams ...everyone is sitting against the wall and every cubicle has a camera peering over you! its creepy. but i took it and was done in 110 questions which was about an hour for me. all my friends were done after 75 so once it hit queston 76 i started to panic a bit but i just calmed down, read the questions and it paid off! i found out 2 days later that i passed after paying 7.00 to the website that offers the exam...and then my number showed up on the ohio BON website! Getting things to transfer to ky has been hard though because in ky ou need 120 hours of training to be a RN so i have what is called a provisional license and thehours start from the day they issued it so basically im starting fresh even though ive been working for a few weeks....but its okay its more training before im on my own...only downside is i get a paycut until then.
other than that mark and i moved into our apt! its so cute! I love it! we need a lot of things but that will come in time. we both jsut recovered from the swine flu and had to miss a few days of work but were much better now. swine flu is nothing to be messed with, definitely the sickest i have felt. and i know ill be sick a lot because as a new grad i have a immature immune system and will get everything, sure the mono doesnt help!
well ill blog more with some cute patients stories! now i have to go to bed
dad and peggy adn grandparents and aunt are in hopkinsville and im off to see them in the AM! yay!!
love you aunt lucy and uncle keith!
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