It is 5 am and im definitly awake! ive been out of school for one week and returned to hospital night shift and my circadium rhythm is already off course! I hope i go to bed soon, luckily i can sleep all day today because im starting my next 3 night stretch.

Returning to the hospital was not the smooth transition that I had hoped! generally in summer it can be a little bit quieter in the hospital, and this was indeed the case....for every floor but the one i work on.

and i dont know if the moon was off its course or what but these patients were definitely acting as though it was full....of the 8 patients we consistently had on the floor, 4 were confused and 2 of those were climbers (people who attempt to get out of bed and risk falling due to weakness) and 1 of those 2 was combative...needless to say i injured my back constantly moving this people around in bed to keep them situation and safe.

when you work several days in a row you tend to get the same load. I had one patient that I had each night. he was married, in his 60's and his wife never left his bedside. he had a lengthy unfortuante health history but his wife was supportive and you could tell that they truly loved each other after all the years of marriage between them. In fact their aniverary was coming up that weekend. i got really close to this couple and it was the one thing i actually looked forward to when coming to work. The patient gave me a hard time, joking around that I was a pain in his ass, but he was fun and I liked to joke with him. Both were sweet. unfortunatly after this patients surgery on my last day, he did not survive the night. He unexpectadle went into respirtory distress and passed away shortly before morning shift change. I was heartbroken.

now death is certainly part of my job. I have seen several people take there last breathe, some with family by their side, others alone. Ive seen people go through code situations where they have been shoked, and pumped for a while and not response. and ive seen people go peacefully with pain medication as we anticipate the end.

This is part of the job, and it sucks. any experienced nurse will tell you "it gets easier" and to that nurse i say that bull shit. why should it get easier to see someone die....we did not become nurses to watch people die, we became nurses to help these people live.

I took this particular loss the hardest than any other, partially because i got so attached, and i think also because it was unexpected. but mostly i think it is because i am a newly wed looking forward to years and years of happiness with my husband and i cannot for the life of me imagine or dream of the day that one of us will be taken from the other and i cannot imagine the heartache that comes with this.

i went home from work that morning, after running the dealth certificate and calling his family to inform them of the loss ...and i balled with mark and masons arms around me. and then i spend the entire day/night/ and next day in bed. when i wasnt sleeping i was running this patients labs through my head, thinking of the meds i gave him, his blood pressure, his lung sounds...was there any indication that i hadnt noticed...was this somehow my fault? did i fail as a nurse. after my rest i felt better, and I realize that while im a nurse whose job it is to keep these people alive and well...i am not God and he is the one who decides when life begins and ends. This man woke up at 3 am and told his wife he was dying, he didnt go into distress until 5 am...he somehow knew. he was ready. but i wasnt. but its not my job to be.

now i can move on from this . its not something that ill carry with me daily and be upset about but im not a machine and im human and have emotions and needed to deal with it in my own little way.

my prayers are with the wife, that she may heal in her own little way as well. may God shine on her now more than ever.


i know im meant to be a nurse but hospital nursing isnt necessarily for me, truly evident after last week, as much as i love the thrill , im happier in the prevention setting. my manager offered me a prn position in home health which gives me the chance to leave the hospital, im considering it but unsure how happy id be in home health. im planning on doing a day where i run with someone and see what i think.
God will take me where I need to go.

My husband is in st louis with his guy friends tonight for a comedy tour from a tv show he likes, i miss him terribly. i miss my mason too who is off in myrtle beach with his mom, coincidentely the same week as my dad and stepmom. everyone is off having fun without little ol me! hehe. God bless them all and bring them safe back to me !

Weekend with Bestest friend

ok, so wedding was amazing and honeymoon too!

Today my Nana called me and put my on speaker phone for family to get the weekly update and I realized I really need to start blogging all of this again because I know they loved to read it.

This past weekend we were married for 2 weeks! Greer (MOH) came down to visit to see kentucky! She is the first friend to come visit me down here! (not including julia who only lives an hour away so thats not a large feat for her to visit)

Friday night, Greer got in around 630pm. The Alexanders, Greer, and Joey (marks best man) ate at the hibachi grill, Mason loves to go there because they play with him and throw food at everyone, and of course he loves the big fire on the grill when they cook in front of you. After dinner we went back to my apartment where we watched a movie (KICKASS) and all went to bed around 4 am! Crazy I know but we were having so much fun hanging out and catching up! Unfortunately Mason woke us up at 8 am and i arose to see that Greer had folded all of laundry and separated it into piles on my kitchen table. You see, Mark and I have not yet purchased a dresser for ourselves so our kitchen table is our dresser.

Apparently Greer couldnt sleep so she just did some household chores for me....Mark said she was making me look bad as a wife :)

we had breakfast and Greer and I worked on a puzzle that I had lying around but hadnt gotten to, it was very very difficult and often caused both greer and I to become frusterated but we managed to complete the puzzle!




Mark thinks it is a picture in italy, i think cape cod/new england...i thinking we will never know.

We went to the city pool for about 2 hours and layed in the sun and talked about life, why Greer cant sleep, and relationships. We had so much to discuss, even though I had just seen her at the wedding it was so hard to get good quality time in with each person with everything going on. so it was nice to relax and just catch up.

After the pool (which mason loved and made some new friends in the baby pool) we went back home, took a nap, and then headed to the Expo!

the Expo is a big event for Frankfort, ky every june. Its almost like the official beginning of summer here. I had not been until this year! Basically its a fair in the middle of downtown frankfort. We had been hyping mason up all week for this telling him he was going to eat an elephant ear. At first he didnt want to, because he thought it would be are a real elephant...im not even sure hes officialy accepted that its not a real elephant but he thought it was really yummy nethertheless! greer and I have a history of consuming large amounts of fair food and funnel cakes at cedar point so we definitely had a good time here. I enjoyed showing her some of kentucky finest! (sarcasm intended)
Mason had a great time, he actually went on some of the rides. to start he went on the merry go round and i rode with him. he went on a horse that went up and down and when it started he had the biggest smile on his face, he thought it was too cool! It was a big improvement over our attempt a year ago at rides in which he just cried the entire time, but now he is a big boy. after the merry go round he wanted to go on the dinosaur roller coaster, it looked a little rough and he was tall enough to ride alone so we werent allowed to go with him. he braved it though, didnt cry at all but he wasnt smilling he just sat there with a serious look on his face the entire time. I was so nervous for him, i was scared he would stand up and fall out of the thing !!! Mark wasnt so nervous although a few days prior he told me he wouldnt let mason ride anything that was screwed together with only two screws and behold how the dad changes his mind in the face of a begging son!
the boy that was riding next to mason was screaming his head of...but mason didnt cry...
and our last ride was the ferris wheel, all three of us were in one cart together and it was nice ....we finally had a breeze on that ride after our 98 degree weathered day!


you cant see mason in this picture but he is between us!! he liked being up high on this ride too!

we won some prizes (a dog, toy gun, and large blowup alien) and watched fireworks to finish off the night while digesting the bad food , mason loved his elephant ear!

came home, put mason to bed at 11 (LATE!) and watched paranormal activity (SCARRY!) then all went to bed, but still very late! so today was definitely a lazy sunday but with the sad goodbye of Greer.

I miss her already but she is safe back in cleveland as i write this! Forunately I will be seeing her again in only 3 weeks for cedar point! may the funnel cake consuming fun continue!!!

needless to say it was an amazing weekend with my best friend, husband, stepson, and friends! I wish every weekend was as magical!

now tomorrow i go back to the hospital for night shift for 3 in a row since school is out...yuck. i have a feeling ill be missing the school year real quick althogh i know my kids arent missing it...i ran into a few of them at the expo and one actually told me i wasnt allowed to talk to him because school was out!!! (this is the same kid that left miss you notes all over my desks with his friends when i was gone getting married and going on my honeymoon) hehe
today we just stayed mellow and hung out

the stress that is inside of me has reached its boiling point, over the past weekend i spent many late night hours wife away with an inability to sleep due to the record that plays in my mind "need marks baptism and birth certificate, mail the contract, get the dj squared away, pick out readings, make appts, figure out the flow of things" and it goes on and on as though i can actually help this at 3 am and get things squared away. but i cant so i just wish that on and off switch would develop that ive been wanting for years and years but it never comes.

its hard to plan a wedding out of state, has anyone ever told you that?

ive been back in school this week after spring break and its been eventful. theres only like 37 days left of school and some of those ill be missing. im going to miss these kids over the summer, and particulary the 8th graders as they go over to high school next year.

being a school nurse has become my indentity, being a nurse has become my identity. at school im referred to as "the nurse".....as in....Go see The Nurse. or can I see The Nurse ...I need to talk to The Nurse. ....are you The Nurse.....I think youre my school nurse?

and at the hospital its nurse nurse nurse as well...nurse has become my name.
im not sure i mind it ....most days.
'

sometimes i spit out facts at the drop of the hat, things i didnt even know i knew ...and it amazes me...i have most confidence in myself as a nurse...i know what im talking about and thats a great feeling. to be consulted on health and to actually be able to health. it makes me feel smart and good about myself...i look forward to learning more and more and more and getting further in my career on the ladder where i can share more knowledge with more people.

so i guess ill stop bragging on myself for now... haha. but its nice to feel good about something in a world taht always tells us we need to do more and that we arent good enough and that its all about money and nothing more....it makes me see the greater purpose that i hold that god has given to me . i work hard to make Him proud and that makes me happy. ....everyone needs something to be passionate about, to have something that makes them happy.

i cant sleep which makes me feel like i should write.
mason is sound asleep and cuddles up to me but i cant seem to drift off and yet i know his early wake up will be here before we know it and the sun will begin to shine as i am just entering my first rem cycle. ahh alass. this is what i get for returning to night shift this week.

spring break is over after sunday so i can return to the regular schedules programming, and it cant be here soon enough! i miss my girls at work and we only have 6 weeks left together. one of whom is leaving after the end of the school year because of budget cuts which is going to change the very dynamic of the place next year., i wonder if ill like it as much without this dear friend.

i ran into several of my kid from school and its always so funny that they recognize me when i barely recognize them. i guess if they arent frequent flyers they blend into my crowd but i think its cute the bashfullness of seeing me in public like i actually am a real person and not just a school nurse..many moms approach me for them. i adore it.

im getting stressed about about the wedding. so much to do and time is ticking away.

im getting drowsy now so im going to try sleep :)

are you afraid?
are you scared?
are you sure?
when i got married i knew it was wrong
i knew i was making a mistake
my mom made me walk down the aisle
he wasnt the same person after
he was the same person after
he changed
he stayed the same
he wanted kids
he didnt want kids
he couldnt have kids
he lied
he told the truth
he cheated
hes gay
he left me
i left him
he dissappeared
i dissappeared
we forgot each other
he never came home from work
id rather work on my career
i dont agree with his life style
he doesnt fit into my life style
he wants to move
i want to move
he wants to stay
he spends too much money
he doesnt want to spend money
i love to shop too much
he cant stay off the porn
he is a prude
hes bad in bed
hes too good in bed
he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor
he stays out all night
he never gets out of the house
he doesnt believe in God
hes a religious freak
hes too smart
hes to into sports
he always has to be right
he doesnt know anything
he never helps me
i hate helping him
he makes me drive
he never ever lets me drive
hes a republican
im a republican
his parents are too involved
he has a bad relationship with his parents
he loves me too little
he loves me too much


STOP

In the mood to blog. i dont know what it is. its been such a long time which seems to be the same introductory statement i use for every blog ive done in the
past as they got fewer and farther in between. today is that day before new years eve. the year is almost over and i greet this with intense anxiety regarding all the things that are ahead! such as : my wedding, which inclused a ton of planning, my honeymoon, which also includes planning, finances for both!!!! planning will be done from kentucky with several trips to ohio which is being impaired by our inability to have reliable transportation . i have to drop my car off on monday to get fixed after some body damage recently, illl have a rental though so ill have to come back to cleveland in like 2 weeks to swap again.,..marks car is constantly having trouble and is currently in the shop despite having been told it would be done monday the part is still not in . mark is supposed to leave tomorrow to come to new years eve here with mason and see my family however its becoming evident this will be hard to achieve with no car...hopefully we can figure something otu as i feel constantyl shafted by not having mark around my family due to stupid issues such as this that always seem to arise around the time of my families plans...such as a blizzard on christmas eve preventing him coming with me which caused a separeted christmas,...hopefully now we dont have a separated new years eve...i dont know what it is that the fates are against mark coming up...it would be easy to blame him but i know these things are out of out control. i just wish it could be easier instead of me being constantly let down. i just wish it wasnt so far.
my new years plans are to spend time in mansfield at my dads with af ondue party similar to the way it was when i was younger...this is the first year in many i havent spent it with friends downing drinks and listening to music/bands in a pretty dress. im looking forward to it because truth be told ive missed being with my family. so a fondue party is what it is going to be.
when i get back to kentucky its time to start applying to grad school again. i only applied to two schools last year, didnt get into one and got into the other but it was a masters program with actual classes instead of being online so i couldnt swing that with my night schedule at the time, and honestly couldnt with my new job either sicne the clases were during the day and i am monday through friday. so i heard of some other schools i can apply to in addition to retrying the one i didnt get into since id idnt have much experience but now i have another year under my belt to try again and all of those programs are online so hopefully next fall ill be entering my nurse practioner program. its hard settling with family as i really think about doing more acute things than diagnosing infections but i feel itll be a good base with all the health reform coming up an esitmated like 30.000 are going to be getting insurance that dont have it now and there with be a hiring deand for pcp . so i think itll be smart to go that route...dreaming can continue and possibly i can change later and get specializations in more acute areas. i dont know. im constantly dreaming and thinking.
if only icould control the world lol
welll im gonna try and keep this up. its a good relief to get things out and i like to write its just hard when life becomes so routine post college and the day to day thing just goes by and before you know it days are weeks and weeks are months...time just flies on by. i need to slow down a bit and enjoy every moment as it lasts.

Went and saw Eat Pray Love tonight and it took me back to when i first read it and determined to live my life according to that book. to travel the world and marvel. i be passionate about live and wake up in the morning with the zest and aura that surrounds me. to be in love with life itself and at peace.

i got sad for a while thinking about how i just go to work every night and sleep away my days and try to recooperate. what do i do of passion, what have i made of my life. i live in a small kentucky town . not rome.

im engaged to a man and getting married in the spring. im going to be a wife and stepmother and hopefully a mother someday, i want to go to grad school and be a np. i dont want to get wrapped up in a job and become a body that just goes through the motions and one day wakes up wondering where am i i am numb,

i told mark i was a little frusterated internally after this movie. "what do i do thats so awesome?" i asked him

he told me that made him sad tha ti had to wonder about my life. he told me i help people get better, i give love to him and i give love to mason and i am with him and he is my family and that is something huge.

that opened my eyes.

i may not travel the world, but i hope to, and i hope to do it wiht my family that i am justbeginning at 24.

i am a firm believer now that you can love your life and not have to leave it to learn how.

so tomorrow i am determined to wake up with passion again