"he claims that the relapse was a one-shot, three-day mistake and he's fine. But the longer he talks, the more it becomes obvious that his voice is the voice of HIM on something.

I wait.

It's like watching from afar, perhaps through binoculars with imperfect lenses, the moments before a train wreck. All of us who love him commiserate. we all know. and yet there is nothing you can do. "
- beautiful boy, david sheff

i hit a parked car at work tonight as i was leaving
i heard a loud BOOM, felt it, and thought "ah shit, i hit a curb again" and then i looked and it was a car...i got out and looked at a plate sized dent was in the front right of this car. i got back into my car, giggled, and then started crying...called mark, no answer...called mom, she got the machine , prayed prayed prayed and yes she answered
she calmed me down, asked me if i had any damage... well, didnt check for that, get out of the car and check....and i just have a scratch and some paint frm the other car....great. of course id be fine and theyd have a huge dent.
mom told me to go in and get a security guard to find the owner, but i was too embarressed and i didnt wwant to interupt someone if they were with patients so i left a note.
now ill admit i thought briefly of just leaving but then i thought thats terrible karma and theres security cameras lol...i guess im not an angel after all that this thought did come across my mind, it makes me feel guilty even to admit it and to write it makes it real.
well i have my insurance info sitting by my phone, im ready for the call. ijust hope its not the bitchiest person in the hospital that i have yet to encounter or withmy luck its dr. j who yelled at me when i was trying to put a bp cuff on his patient that was newly admitted with a resting HR of about 150, and yelled "NO NO NO I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STOP I CANNOT HEAR THE PATIENT" as he was trying to get a history...because really it makes a lot of noise to put a bp cuff on someone????....yah its probably his car.

all i can think about now though is how i once hit nana's house and grandpa rich came running out in his boxers and no shirt "WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN???" i mean if you know him, just imagine him running, he NEVER ran, big old pot belly and tiny tiny tiny little legs come bolting out the house....i miss that crazy old man.


well thats an update, the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a while ! tomorrow is a day off then i work wed and then the weekend so tomorrow ill be cleaning and doing laundry because my apt is trashed after masons weekend...there are cookie and cereal and cracker crumbs all over and little juice spills...its a mess and its overwhelming to try and keep up with him because one mess just replaces another so i just wait till the time isup then i clean it all and then its usually time for his return! he definitely leaves an impression in more ways that one =)

you know things have changed when on a long car ride you find yourself listening to elmo's song and mister wiggles instead of your ipod shuffle. and instead of getting the latest carrie underwood song stuck in your head its Sesame street.

needless to say it was an amazing weekend back home to cleveland, and i had a redneck shower so my kitchen is pretty much stocked with things..no more resourcefullness of foil, although it would make a pretty neat book.


im blessed with an amazing family that gives and gives, and loves and loves. its never-ending. It was hard to realize how far i am from them, how much less ig et to see them, the people who molded me and formed me into the woman that i now am... played such a huge part in that and now so far away. i dont want it to feel like im far away and not around much, i want to be around and in there lives. mark and i were talking how we dont want mason to forget everyone he met, the only way to do that is to have frequent trips. i want my kids to be as close to my family as iw as when iwas growing up. thats so important to me, and i dont want distance to effect itl. i think if im determined it will happen.

anways i read in my moms blog about how her mother is becoming her grandmother, and she is turning into her mother. and i laughed because just last night i looked at my mom sitting in the rocking chair and i watched her mannerisms as she played with mason...the way she looked her hair up in a messy pony, a baggy shirt, sweatpants....and i though "thats me" every move she maked, the tone of her voice it was like looking in a mirror...i am becoming my mother. i think this is a natural progression of life....you get busy with work and kids and suddenly youre not the girl with new cute top, skinny jeans, boots, a fake bake tan, white teeth, going out to get some drinks...instead youre more comfortable in that baggy t-shirt and messy pony. because life is busy and you dont just take care of yourself anymore but a little life that looks to you for kisses when he gets a booboo and daddy just says "hes all right, be tough" (although mark rarely does that!)
and i dont think thats such a bad thing. im proud to be my mommy, and ill be proud to be nana, or grandma or aunt lucy....if its one thing my family has its powerful strong beautiful women.

i had tea with my mom, sat and talked, and it was like soul nourishment, to have that one person in this world that knows you frm the moment you were nothing but a centimeter in size. who formed you your whole life and knows how you think and the right thing to say and will never judge you because no matter what she loves you, she created you! i still can feel like her little girl and that makes me so sad because i still want to be that little girl, and i know in her heart i always will be.

anyways, im gettin my period in a few days so thats why im so emotional . im headed back to work wednesday so tomorrow is my lsat day of play on this unexpected vacation ! i think mark and i are going to hit up some of the bourbon trail and finish doing laundry and putting clothes away but well see because i have no intention of setting an alarm and being on any sort of a schedule.

but its nice to blog again and iw ill make more of an effort to do that. life isnt as boring as it seems when you sit down and thing about it...thers always a story somewhere that can be told!

something told me to check the mail as i came home from work today. maybe its because Im waiting on checks. inside my mailbox was a key with a note that said i have mail waiting for me in 17B....17B is a larger mailbox. i thought , well i guess my checks are here...but to my surprise it was not my checks! it was a little brown box from ohio! my aunt and uncle sent me a little present. mark and i were excited to find some kitched towels (mapine's (sp??)) they are so cute with pumpkins and ghosts! and some fall ones too! we dont have any so its nice to have these, might have to use then even after halloween!!! (thank you aunt lucy! ) i read the know she left me and it said she hasnt read anything lately which is a reminder to me that i need to blog which ive been thinking about needing to do a lot lately . things have been kind of crazy ....heres the update youve been waiting for!

orientation at work was soooo boring, just sat in a cold room everyday listening to people talk abotu stuff im sure they really dont care about...like safety control and poison control blablabla
then i started precpting. the first day i jsut shadowed this woman Dee ann just watched what she did, it was kind of a calm day, she only had 2 patients. then the next day and every time ive worked since i precepted with Somer and i absolutely love her! shes young and fun and such an incredible nurse i hope to grown and be as intelligent in nursing as she is. i have been learning a lot. like computer charting which idont know how ill ever get the hang of it but i guess i will. some days it gets so crazy because we can get admits frm the ER at anytime, or people from the floor or icu....so you have people coming and going . and we dont get a tech most of the time so we do our own primary care which kind of sucks because ithought my butt wiping days were over but at the same time it really gives you a chance to get to know yoru patient and be at there bedside more than just med tosses. im learnng a lot about medications..i feel like ive learned more these past few days than ever in school clinicals.

good news! I PASSED NCLEX!!! taking it was so weird. they do everything but ask you to strip before entering the exam. they took my pic and fingerprints three separate times. then you go in and people are around you but not taking the same exam, some are taking gre or other grad school exams ...everyone is sitting against the wall and every cubicle has a camera peering over you! its creepy. but i took it and was done in 110 questions which was about an hour for me. all my friends were done after 75 so once it hit queston 76 i started to panic a bit but i just calmed down, read the questions and it paid off! i found out 2 days later that i passed after paying 7.00 to the website that offers the exam...and then my number showed up on the ohio BON website! Getting things to transfer to ky has been hard though because in ky ou need 120 hours of training to be a RN so i have what is called a provisional license and thehours start from the day they issued it so basically im starting fresh even though ive been working for a few weeks....but its okay its more training before im on my own...only downside is i get a paycut until then.

other than that mark and i moved into our apt! its so cute! I love it! we need a lot of things but that will come in time. we both jsut recovered from the swine flu and had to miss a few days of work but were much better now. swine flu is nothing to be messed with, definitely the sickest i have felt. and i know ill be sick a lot because as a new grad i have a immature immune system and will get everything, sure the mono doesnt help!

well ill blog more with some cute patients stories! now i have to go to bed
dad and peggy adn grandparents and aunt are in hopkinsville and im off to see them in the AM! yay!!

love you aunt lucy and uncle keith!

I am not a resident of kentucky...
such a weird realization, i can say it to myself over and over, and every morning wake up and think, this is where ill be waking up for most of the rest of my life, and still it doesnt feel real. i still think in a few days ill be going home to cleveland. but thats not so.
this past saturday i had a going away party of sorts with my family. it felt more like my funeral. everyone celebrating and eating good, and saying goodbye. I was fine until i had to say goodbye to nana, which broke my heart. but im not dying and its not really goodbye, its more like see you later. mom and i made a cassada cake that was a hilarious event trying to transport this huge cake a few miles, as it started to crack in half and i sat in the backseat holding it together and praying it didnt slide anymore that necessary. but in the end it did split in the fridge but man was it a good cake. That night mom and i layed in her bed and looked at her pyramid collectin magazine, talking about things we liked, and just bonded, we both cried realizing we wont be able to lay together and talk and laugh and bond for a while. but it was nice to have that night with her one last time. then in the morning on sunday i packed my car up and hit the road.
when i got to kentucky mark made sure to keep my evening packed so i ddint have time to think or be sad, mason was here so that made me happy, how can you be sad around something so precious as mason? we went and fed to ducks at the lake, something i used to do as a child. we laughed as mason fed himself as well as the ducks, mason has started to nodd yes or no and it seems he has an opinion about every question you ask him. mostly its yes which i know wont last long because once he gets into those terrible twos everything will be no. but we had fun, we cuddled up later at night before he went to sleep, hes just so precious it could make you cry.
on monday i had to go into the hospital and get some more paperwork done, mostly just going through the book of policies in the hospital and answering questions on that, then i got my badge made, met with my nurse educator and got some homework which of course doesnt end in school, but continues. later that evening i got a call from the hospital saying there was a problem with my licensure. it seems the kentucky board of nursing cannot give me a provisional licensure (which in kentucky is a temp licensure while you complete your 120 hours of on the job training which is mandatory here) until i pass boards, which means the hospital cant really work me as a registered nurse applicant (what your called while you have a provisional) until i have that. so its going to be alittle more time until i cant start my job but that are going to let me go to orientation next week monday through thrusday and then i take boards that saturday so hopefully itll only be another week while things get processed until i can start my real job. until then they siad they could possibily get me in as a tech so that would be fine with me. it would be just a short temp thing. so even though there are these extra hoops and jumps its going to work out. they said that no matter what my job is completely safe and they believe i will be stellar. stellar was the word they used, not mine. so that made me feelgood.

i went with mark tohis bank to try and set up an account and i couldnt because i didnt have a relative that had an account at the bank or one that worked for the state. this made me so sad for some reason. i almost started to cry. which is rediculous because there are so many banks in this world. but i think it was just the reminder that i dont have any real family here. but mark reassured me. and i got an account at another bank. he joked we could go to the courthouse and become family if it was that important to me.i laughed that one off. that will not be happening. on tuesday when i was driving around trying to get my fingerprints done i took a turn and just explored and i came across the bank that was recommended to me so i made an account there. i was very pleased with myself that i found it without help!! andi found my way back home too.

anyways, mark and i took a drive to the apartment, ate a mexican restraunt right next to it, and im so excited about it. its in a great location and right next to our building is a hotel so my family can stay there and be so close! its going ot be great! i just have no idea how were going to get all our things there, but ive moved many times and i know it is possible.

the rest of the week has been kind of boring, i just sleep and study while mark is at work and then he ocmes home and we hang out or he goes and plays cards with his friends. which makes me sad sometimes because i do wish i had friends i could run off with. but tonight i have my first meeting with the chi o advisors adn UK so hopefully i will be meeting some friends there !! im really excited about it and happy that i can get involved with something here and have a life. its such a blessing. this weekend on saturday im going to the UK game with mark's mom , she says i deserve a break. although i dont feel like i do. ive been studying but i feel like its just so easy now, maybe its because im using the same cd's i used obessively fro the HESI so its not new to me, i dont feel too challenged so i dont know. ihope im not kidding myself. i have a lot riding on this nclex. my friend em took it today so im going to get some tips frm her on how she studied and what it was life.

well im off to run some local errands! will keep updating!

Last weekend due to my sinus infection and neverending sick tirade....and Julia's lack of funds / mine as well in honest judgement, i went to cincinnati instead of put in bay. I had a really good time, spent money that i dont have at Easton mall, admired alot of things i wish i could afford and hope i can someday, including ugg boots which leah and i always said we would buy out first winter with a real job. Julia and i went to the beach waterpark and soaked up the last good rays of summer. Going down waterslides is not the same as it was as a little girl. I found myself getting airtime and landing back into my inner tube getting rub burn down my back and bottom. i was terrified i was going to flip, or fall out and down the slides...thrilling but i have to say the lazy river was the best part. after that we went to get ice cream at graters which is legendary. i believe oprah flies her ice cream in from cinci. its that good. they have this summer flavor that is strawberry with chocolate chunks but they didnt have it anymore...the the guy tried to mix strawberry with chocolate sauce which ended up being a disgusting chocolatey soup....i was disappointed. i dont understand the whole seasonal item thing...i mean really if its that good and youre going to make money off of it then offer it year round....i get that too much of a good thing can make you sick of it but just be more innovative and come up with a better summer item ...i mean strawberry with chocolate chuncks isnt that crazy of an idea that it needs to be a special item. I think like a pinacolada ice cream....that makes more sense as a summer flavor than strawberry chocolate!! anyays, after that we went to dinner at julias parents who make the best homemade pinapple pizza, they make everything homemade but with healthy items! they do everything healthy or low fat its really neat but its amazing how good it states. Julia and i discused the recent documentaries we had watched on tv about cults and polygamy. im really amazed by them. some things i learned: one girl who was alone in chicago after moving there met a guy and he invited her to his yoga class...i mean sounds harmless right? It was at a studio called Dahn Yoga so she signed up for the class! but it ended up being some kind of crazy cult where they sat around and yelled displaying there passion and trying to have vision....i mean people thing that they could never get caught up in a cult, but really its so easy to! i mean you think youre going to a yoga class and the next thing you know youre brainwashed, they pray on thepeople who feel they are alone because they promise friendships and family and that sounds pretty ideal. i mean the people in the yoga cult were young and good looking...i can see how she got trapped in it...but got out though adn was living at a cult survivor group in ohio somewhere before she headed back out into the would...it was similar to rehab. the polygamy one showed a woman with 7 children who was married to a man at 14 who was 32 years older than her..it was insane ...she was actually married the man who became the new prophet leader when warren jeffers was arrested. but she escaped but her oldest daughter went back after turning 18. Many people have wondered why when the LDS camp was raided none of the children or women cried and they explained this in the doc. The children and women do not show affection or emotion, they are taught as babies to have no emotion, the women do not hug or kiss there babies and many of them die because of lack of stimuli...a baby can be fed, changed, clothed, burped but if it is not loved and cuddled they die. The ones who survive never get affection or develop attachment to there mothers. if a mother does show affection both are tormented. its so disturbing! and most of the runaways are called lost boys because boys are thrown off the camp because of the ratio is uneven. if there are too many yoing boys the young girls will not wnat to marry the older men and therefore there arent enough women to go around so the boys are kicked out. its so sad. there are camps filled with teenage boys in utah and colorodo that were kicked out. so sad.anyways ive realized ive gotten way off track here! we went to the riverfest adn saw the fireworks on the ohio river, they were awesome I had such a great weekend and it was one last relaxing thing i could do before the craziness. i spent the first half of t his week with my dads family where my grandmother made me a goodbye dinner of sorts. she accidently used cream of tarter in her corn dish she makes whcih is normally really really good but this time was rather sour...it was asuch a huge mistake for her, one i had never seen hermake, she was embarressed and upset but its just corn but for her i could tell this was a big deal. anyways i heard more about my cousins new job and his amazing paycheck, and how smart he is thatn really answering any questions about my new job but thats okay i hate the spotlight....i said goodbye to my dad which was a bit emotional. i hate that imn growing up, iw ish icould wake up and be 3 again and be little and havef un and play with barbies and not worry about money, jobs, loans etc. you dont know hwo good you have it when you do. im home in cleveland now doing a million loads of laundry i have from going through my clothes, which im going to start packing up. i have so many things i need to do but the apt move in day is sept 22 and im so excited! mark is going to take carfe of the finances until my paychecks come in so its working out! just have to figure out how were going to get my stuff downt here...so now im studying for nclex, need to get my plates, need to get my fingerprints, get my tb test read and papers faxed to the hospital ,pack up my stuff and head out! on saturday my nana is cooking a dinner and a lot of my family will be there so it will be nice to see everyone before i leave! But i know ill be back soon, its not forever...just for now! im really excited about the changes and nervous too! i just hope i down start a crying fit like i usually do before leaving home. i know God is with me though! so now im off to switch my laundry and start the packing process!!!!

well, i have an aweful cold that just wont leave me alone. so congested. but anyways....here is my little update
mark is looking at this apartment i found called Townley Lake Apt. and it looks great! Its actually right across the street for Amazon where Mark works. This places cost includes cable and internet, has a 24 hour work out center, walking trail, outdoor pools, and each place has a washer and dryer which is such a bonus! Mark said they have to openings and we can either move in right away or sept 21st. so either way works fine with us! hopefully itll work out but if not Ill be staying with Mark's grandma and there are plenty of apartments out there.

my authorization to test is here!! yay! im taking my exam on Sept 26th!!! i scheduled it in cinci so its close to where im at in kentucky and i can see julia! Im so ready to get this test overwith and be a nurse officially! i filled out the paperwork online to get endorsed through kentucky to be a nurse! and i just need to get a new set of fingerprints done for kentucky so although its going to take a bit of time for everything to be complete, at least the ball is rolling!

Im at my dads currently just spending time here, hes offering me my dresser in my room here, and i have living room furniture lined up so things are really coming together. Although as i become comfortable in finances i would like to purchase my own furniture from ikea or something just to have my own nice things that i picked out and feel less like a bum college student making ends meet. but im so excited and grateful for the things i do have! i wont have to sit on milk cartons! haha

well thats the most of an update that i have so far! but im really excited and will keep everyone updated!!