My restless soul

Leave it to mom to tell me that im slacking on these entries... ;)

I had my mental health clinical today which i confess i was not looking forward too. It ended up being a really rewarding experience. I had a patient who was dealing with some issues that are occuring because of a recent loss of a love one. I really enjoyed talking with him, and hearing a bout his problems that are so much more important than my silly ones I have. Many of the patients on the psych floor are battling some form of substance abuse. Im starting to get pulled in this direction. I am so intrigues by this disease and find such empathy for people who suffer it. Maybe this is because of my family who is plagued by alcoholism and drug abuse, or maybe its because my mother worked at a treatment facility where i spent much of my free time after school hanging out with recovering addicts who are now like family members to me....but I am so passionate about this. I really didnt expect to like mental health and honestly I dont really like having patients with the regular associated mental illnesses, but the fact that most of them are suffering from drug or alcohol addicts sucks me in. Now my list of what i want to do with my life just added another one on it.

ideas for post grad:
1) surgical nurse residency at Vanderbilt Medical Center
2) Nurse at treatment or recovery program (wherever those may be! )
3) going back to school to get my MD or MSN
4) TRAVELING Nursing (which can only be done after a few years old experience)

I have exactly 8 months to figure this out.....thats less that it takes to have a baby....

I have an exam tomorrow which Im prepared for. Living in Toledo has taken me away from the many distractions i had in bowling green and i find myself studying like crazy. Maybe this will be good when the Nclex and hesi roll around.

im starting to stress out about next semester. I have until next friday to decide if i want to apply for a preceptorship. They only offer them in a few areas of nursing and they only have 50 spots total...the only 2 im interested in are critical care or surgical which everyone in my class is interested in and those both take only 10 students each.....so thats 20 spots out of 170 students. and generally it comes down to GPA which mine isnt the hottest...its not bad but its definitely not up there with the smarty pants. While a preceptorship would be an awesome opportunity I worry about the stress.. basically id be taking on job in doing this, and id have paper work and class work to do that i wouldnt have if i didnt take it. you have to get a mandatory number of hours and can only work when your preceptor can so your limited because of the other classes you have to take. Not to mention studying for the Hesi and Nclex ...the hesi being the one i need to graduate and only get 2 attempts to take (mind you last years class mostly failed it the first time and many did the second time and had a delayed graduation). So is it worth it? I mean granted im freaking out that i havent started an IV and my roommate and one of my friends did because they took externships this summer....i know they look at me like im not really experienced but i mean even if i could go back and do an externship i wouldnt...i had an amazing summer at the nursing home and going to nicaragua! so this would give me those experiences i missed but i feel like if i did the residency program i would get those experiences anyway so i dont know. i mean they dont really expect new grads to know it all....honestly. i just havent decided if i want to put myself in such a stressful situation...or is this me just being afraid of a new experience like always? i keep praying about it and i think the answer is to just apply and if i get it means im supposed to do it and if i dont then it means im not...but does fate always work that way???

anyways, i lit a candle last night to st. michael. not because i needed the protection...but because i missed home. that is the kind of thing that would be going on at home and i needed that little reminder here. I recently read a book called "White Oleander" im sure many have seen that movie, and honestly it is a beautifully tragic dark story about a mother and daughter. Im so grateful its not my story and i honestly cant imagine it being my story. Although parts of the mother in that book do remind me of my own. her beauty and ability to captivate anyone with her power (gift as we call it) and her poetic nature....but id say the similarity ends there.

"I rested my head on her leg. She smelled like violets. "We are the wands, " she said. "We strive for beauty and balance, the sensual over the sentimental." "The Wands." I repeated. I wanted her to know I was listening. Our tarot suit, the wands. She used to lay the cards for me, explain the suits: wands and coins, cups and swords......"

My mother doesnt smell like violets, she smells like apple cinnamon and nutmeg....but she would say something like this to me......Are we the wands mother?

extremely happy

here i sit on the floor STILL no desk, updating the journal i never seem to keep anymore. life isnt as fascinating post nicaragua ......it just seems to roll along . i am incredibly happy though, still maintaining my new-found contentment with life.
last weekend i went home and had the opportunity to see my mother speak and share her story at a meeting. I was in awe and amazement at her and her ease as the words came to her. I envy this. I have to think things out before i speak, im unable to articulate my feelings on the spot, and can only make them complete with words after thought and consideration. My mother just stands before a crowd, opens her mouth , and the poet within shows. I am so proud of her, and the challenges she has overcome and the for the challenges she still struggles with but will overcome. after she was doen we had the opportunity to speak and say something to her but me being bashful to strangers and unable to articulate myself in an as meaningful way as i would life opted not too
afterwards i figured what i would have liked to of said was something like this : Mom, I am so proud of you for all of this and in effect i am glad that these challenges were ones that you had because they have made you who you are, a wonderful person who has shown me true strength and through those challenges has introduced me to such wonderful people you have met as a support system and has shown me a different way of thinking that isnt so close minded but open minded...i am so glad you are who you are, and i wouldnt trade that for anything... i love you indescribably.
:)
I finished reading the book "the kite runner" which was a bit hard on me to read. Although, i would definitely recommend this to everyone! Its such an emotional heartfelt story that was wonderfully written. I dare say it is a classic of our time!
Im starting to worry about postgrad life and wonder where im supposed to be going after this is all over in may. I dont even know what to think. Im starting to think a lot about nashville, being that is where i almost went for undergrad....Vanderbilt has nursing residency programs and one in surgical nursing which is my area of interest. I would be part of the program if picked for one year and t hen have one year working committment with them. The only thing is my doubt for surgery....many people, 3 actually, have told me that i dont belong in surgery because i am so good with relationships with patients and in surgery you dont have the chance to talk to the patients and communicate with them which would be a waste of "my skill", this makes me so sad to hear because i love internal bodies and organs systems and the miracle of life that is one b eat of heart that you can hold in your hand . I just have to wade the waters and see waht happens. i know if its where im supposed to be it will be where i end up. Im going to look more into that program and pray more and i believe things will fall into place.
i miss nicaragua so much, i wish there was a way i could do that for my whole life...just work for free, travelling to impoverished countries and cities in america and handing out free healthcare....im starting to worry im losing the glow that i had when i came back and the happiness and contentment i felt...im actively searching to revive it...and i find it with my nicaragua friends just being wiht them kind of keeps it alive.
jose is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, i see him a lot at the library and i have such a nice time talking to him. He jokes that i will be engaged soon, which is so unlikely being that i dont even have an inkling of a boy in my life....oh jose, such a kidder. But its so nice to see him, and the other people on campus ....
having more friends in the medical field is so nice...its just a common bond and understanding that life can be trying but were doing this selflessly...i know many are in it for the money but these are the ones who are in it to make a difference. I would still be a nurse if i only ended up making 20, 000 as opposed to the probable 50,000.....
i need to keep the spirit alive... i desperately dont want to go back to the dark cloud i was under before the trip......eeek

American Girl w/ pics of old hollywood beauty

Back to School

So school has started, yet again.
I am beginning my 5th year here, im a Super Senior!
I am really excited about this year, going into it with a new found dedication to my major, classes, and career choices. Trying to keep my anxiety level about exit exams at a low level, because i think its a mind over matter type of deal with those exams, positive thinking yields positive results!
I moved into my apartment, or house *double* rather, and its lovely. My room is probably 3X the size it was last year as well as the rest of the space. ive been spending a bit too much money on decorations....I purchases curtains and rods to put up, which i definitely jerry rigged because i dont have an electric screw driver or any sort of clue how to put up curtains...i tried to hammer in the screws which didnt work and then hammered in the plastic pieces without the screws and my curtains and rod fell off in the middle of the night, probably wacked me in the head midsleep....but i had no idea till the morning of such events until i saw my curtains on the floor and the rod in 2 pieces...i taped it to the wall so well see how it goes tonight....
My dad is coming up to bring me his old desk for my computer...im currently sitting on the floor typing, very japanese like i must say. the internet works, cable works...everything is coming together with ease that i am not used to during moving experiences....its actually been quite painless despite the garbage episode today where they didnt take our garbage because we didnt register it or because our can is too big...we arent sure but one roommate is taking care of that and i have faith in her!
ill still to cable and internet bill, what i know ....haha
classes so far seem good.....gero is really interesting even though i have done it all before in my undergrad....and mental meeting today was actually interesting. A woman with borderline personalities came in and talked with us about her experiences in the mental hospital and her life story. It was really sad and disturbing but she is doing so well now, just graduating frm college and living on her own....i cant imagine! She had dealth with so much, narcassistic parents, sexual abusive brother, alcohal addiction, abuse in the hospitals,....and so much more you just wouldnt believe...it was shocking. I give her so much credit, she is such a strong woman so be able to talk about it and be dealing with it on a daily basis. I have a feeling I will be encountering many people like her in mental health at St. V's during clinicals. I will get the opportunity to work with some addicts and withdrawal patients which I am highly interested in,
for community health, I am at the Fulton Co. Health Dept. which is cool although 45 minutes away! I get to work at the fair at their booth next week doing face painting....who would have ever though nursing could involve face painting....yikes,
I had the opportunity to have dinner with Laura today. We bonded over school, boys, life and of course couldnt help but talk about NICARAGUA NICARAGUA NICARAGUA!
i just cant get the trip off my mind and the hunger to tlak about it, look at pictures, dream abotu it still resides within me. I am so anxious to go back or to even just see someone from the trip to talk about it. We both agreed that we would want to go back but bring all the people we went with back with us! It would be strange to go back without the same group!!! We joked about having a sort of arogance about returning with newbies "oh you dont know what that is?? thats a plantain chip, DUH" haha...of course we would never do that its just funny to think of the new experiences we had that are now accustomed to us if ever returning...however im sure we arent even close to experiencing all that great country has to offer.
Laura is going to meet with one of her deans to see if she can do a PA rotation in NIcaragua for 4 weeks.....how awesome. I desperately wish i could go to longer than just 9 days! im sure someday I will....there or some other place! my life is a such a long journey ahead of me filled with so many adventures I cant even dream up yet!
But it was so nice to see her, and to continue building new relationships with people similar to me!
I have a good feeling about this year!!! (but i do still miss my mommy and being home of course =) ))))

The rest of the trip

I didnt write in my journal for the rest of time I was there. I just got too caught up in actually being there. And, truth be told, was too exaughsted to write. On friday we had our last clinic which was out in the middle of no where. We took one of the trucks ...with an open bed, and 2 benches not bolted to the bed...we all sat there with nothing but metal bars to hold us in...It really was a very bumpy ride and everyone would stand on the benches or the bed of the truck and duck whenever a tree branch was about to hit them. I sat for most of it, I was a little afraid of falling out since I am not very graceful. But i did stand for a little bit towards to end. I felt like I was in the jungle on a safari.

We got to the clinic and i was with Adults again, partnered with Seth. Our translator was a kid whose name ive unfortunately forgotten because all of the macho guys were calling him scoops because they wanted him to start doing scoops of protein like them. He was a nice kid, only 17 . He told me he has a girlfriend in South Carolina...she came with a high school trip and they 'fell in love' talk about long distance relationships. We saw a lot of kids too surprisingly. One little girl had a severely infected ingrown toenail. We also saw a case of trick, and a woman who reported a crazy sexual history I wont even repeat. This place was crawling with dogs begging for food, it was sad but they were kind of annoying because they would come right up to you unlike the other dogs weve experienced throughout the week. Anna made me try to speak spanish to the patients to tell them how to take there medications which i felt so stupid trying to do...una pastilla! one pill! I spent sometime with Mario in the pharmacy again because he was probably my favorite translator....maybe because he always tells me to smile because he loves my smile, how flattering.

We ended up getting out clinic early because we had so many of us running our own tables, amazing how we are now confident enough to do that. We had to say goodbye to the translators, which was so sad. I never could thank them enough for all their work.

When we got back I was so tired i collapsed into bed and intended on only taking a one hour nap, but it quickly stretched to 2. I was in such a daze when I woke up, i tripped leaving the room forgetting a step and twisted my ankle! I limped the rest of the night, in pain. I put ice on it.

I did some laundry and emailed my mom. Will ordered us pizza, which wasnt as saucy as it is here and they give you packets of ketchup to add sauce if you want too,...knowing that i do not care for the ketchup I opted out and ate it as it was, which was good. We then gathered in the meeting area and watching a pirated copy of "the dark knight" and actually had working speakers this time. After the movie we played cards and then went to bed.

In the morning we were leaving to Managua. We got up, ate one last breakfast with the staff of al ayudante, said our goodbyes and loaded up the bus . We drove for about an hour and a half and go to the volcano sight. We stopped once at a gas station to get some drinks, Laura and I took a picture with a security guard that was manning the door with a HUGE gun, which we thought was halarious. When we got to the volcano we had to pay 2 bucks each but it was worth it. It was so beautiful, we climbed up top and stared down into the volcano which was filled with a gassy haze. After being up there for to long we started coughing and I could feel the gas burning my throat so I took that as a sign that it was time to go, as it was. We all loaded back onto the bus, and continued our drive to the matagalpa market. I bought a few souvneiers for family and myself. beautiful pottery, and 2 t-shirts as well as some pirated dvds of course. Laura was sick so we ran to a la pharmacia and got her some cold medicine which was a challenge telling the man what we wanted with limited spanish....she sniffled and coughed and ended up with some sort of medicine which ended up working thankfully.

(the volcano scenery, we hiked up the the cross)

We left and headed to the hotel near the airport where we were staying for the night. We had lunch there as we were starving from not eating since breafast, we went to the pool for a second decided we needed naps, so we went back to our rooms. after an hour nap, or rest really because my bed was as hard as a rock and the pillow felt like one cotton ball behind my head, we got up and got ready for our banquet dinner. We all got dressed up and looked pretty....and for once we had air conditioning which was such a blessing, my hair finally wasnt curling like it does in heat.

We had some a nice meal and all went around saying something about the trip and how it has affected us. I said it was so nice to finally meet a group of people that have the same philosophy that i do, that its one thing to sit around and acknowledge the problems in the world, but that i want to be someone who actually does something about it. Dr. kern and anna did a suprelative game and gave me the award for "most likely to cheer you up with a smile" they said i always had such a positive attitude and a smile on my face no matter what. I was so flattered !!!! Will went around and said something about everyone, he said that i was the sweetest girl ever. I thought that was nice. I never really though I was being anything more than myself and for someone who didnt spend much time with me to think I am sweet, is such a nice thing to be said. I honestly dont think i stood out more than anyone else on that trip, everyone is so wonderful.

After that, we went to the casino at the hotel, tried to gamble but there werent very many machines so we stood around and enjoyed the free drinks. People were hogging a few machines at a time and one man was running the roulette table by himself and wouldnt let anyone else play. So instead, we left the casino and went and met as a smaller group by the pool to talk and bond on our last night. We all went to bed around 2 am and got up at 4 am to leave for the airport. Our plain left at 6 but was delayed until 7. I slept most of the flight to miami, arriving at 12:30 there and then we had a 7 hour layover . Because of the hurricaine coming in the weather was a bit hazy and rainy , so a few of us stayed at the airport and others left to go to South Beach. I stayed and read in the airport. It went by so fast , and before I knew it I was getting my bags in detroit and headed home to cleveland.

I cant believe how wonderful the trip turned out. I honestly believe i have made friends for life as i already have made plans with so many of them. I feel compelled to start of this year with a new dedication to nursing and medicine. I really want to get every piece of knowledge I can, do kick ass on my boards, return to nicaragua after learning more spanish, and possible go to medical school in the future.

Honestly since returning i havent done anything but think abotu the trip and stare at pictures . I cant express the feelings i have within me now. I definitely am sort of in a culture shock...even just going to the store yesterday and how different it is. Its truly amazing. I could never express to anyone how blessed we are. If anyone ever has to the chance to visit Nicaragua, I would say do it. Its definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity that forever changes you as a person.

(the whole group at the volcano)

8/14

this mornings clinical was optional, but we all ended up going. Will said he made it optional because he didnt want to wear us out, as we are all getting tired now that the week is coming to a close. However, we all know the reasons why we are here. and we are all dedicated to that. I was paired with Eric, who they call chico. and also victoria. Our translator was Elmer, the sweetest man in the world I am convinced. He was the one who told us the story about Samosa and about the massacre when in Leon. I got to know him much better today as we talked between patients. He was trying to squeeze in his own little doctor visist between patients, telling us he is so tired after a full nights sleep and didnt know why....i joked with him and told him maybe he should try caffeine....haha. Mostly we saw UTI's again...it seems like thats the main complaint. The saddest thing is that you ask the people "sangre de orino?" blood in urine? and they say no but then they tell you that their pee is red....which is blood...they dont make the connection. Today has definitely been the hottest day, especially since we were indoors and without electricity so we had no fan...we brought the generator later and then had a fan so that made it a bit better...but we were still hott. We were in an OB clinic that had insane amounts of breastfeeding posters all over the place...some were kind of creepy looking andwe laughed at them but i guess they dont really understand the importance there.

I had the opportunity today to work with the OBGYN and do 4 pap smears on my own. It was a challenge because the OBGYN could not speak english so she had to show me with her hands how to do a pap smear...one hand she clenched to imitate a cervix and the other with the instruments showed me what to do....i had to choke back giggles from my immature sense of humor at that...and be professional. But i did place the thingy in the vaginas and saw the cervix. i never thought id ever get that close to another woman's vagina before....not even when i did my OB rotation did I get that close. It was obvious to me which woman had STD or maybe even cervical cancer as her cervix was extremely large and swollen. They dont use lube on the separater instrument...which i know now, every woman reading this is cringing in pain. There were flies all around and about to fly into the vagina's, I had to swat them away...that was just so disgusting i cant even imagine being those woman.

We also had the chance to go to the landfill today. The dump rather. Where people drop off trash. Tons of people actually live on this hill around the landfill and look for food here everyday. There was a local church group brining a sermon and food to these people and we got in on it and brought hott meals to them as well. At first we would only let children come get meals and then it was a number system in order of arrival and if anything was left we went to those who didnt get a number.....we still ran out and had to turn people away. The biggest thing that got me wasnt the children, but the pregnant woman who I am sure have the worst of prenatal care, no nutrition, and are bringing babies into a world that they definitely dont deserve. Heather told me that many of them dont realize that sex and babies go together...they cant make the coorelation, they dont have preventative education, or any education for that matter.

(the dump)(me and the group handing out juice)

I handed out juice while Laura waved a stick to keep flies away, which really didnt matter becasue they just kept landing all over us and the food....the kids and people had them crawling all over them and the food as they ate and just didnt care. I was sobbing behind my glasses while watching this scene. I just cant believe the living conditions. I cant even imagine that being my life.

(people, children, and dogs that live at the landfill)

Up on the top of the hill was an old prison that kept POW's. We climbed up on top of it and could see an amazing view of the city. It was beautiful when you kept your back to the garbage.

The bus ride back was quite, after we left. It took awhile to get all the flies out of the bus, but i fell asleep as we drove to the beach. After an hour drive we arrived to find the beach and rain of course. But that didnt stop us from jumping into the vast ocean. I can now saw i have been in the pacific and the atlantic ocean. The water was sooooo warm and it felt so good. We had to be careful of smaller sharks that are known for killing people there, but we didnt see anything. There was one dead stingray that Jose told me was the kind that killed steve irwan. But ive never been one to be afraid of the water, I am a pisces afterall! We played footbal, guys against girls and later 2 guys got sick of us being so good adn switched over to our team...that lasted a while but the waves were so ferrocious we got so exaughsted so we got out and went to walk the beaches and rocks...there were so many beautiful and coloful shells. so many pink ones, clear ones, and even sanddollars! The sunset was stunning over the ocean. We ate dinner at El Espigome . I ordered chicken fajitas but ended up with chicken fingers which i guess is a fajita to them. They gave me FRENCH FRIES which is my favorite food in the whole world,....the ketchup was unsatifactory though, being so sweet. A anorexic dog kept bothering us all through dinner so we kept giving him our scraps...he was so skinny after all. and actually kind of cute unlike most of the dogs ive seen here.

(the football group in the ocean)

Laura, Heather, and I spent a lot of time together today and are making plans to reunite in Cali which is where Heather has gotten a job and moving to as soon as we get back.

I already can tell i have been changed by this experience. Especially after today, I am so lucky in my life and really take it for granted. I honestly cant even express how grateful I am, I always thought I was but now I know. My life is definitely so blessed

8/13

I was in the pediatric section today. I was paired with Laura and we got moved to Adult because of a lack of pediatric patients and an excessive amount of adults. Most of the patients we saw had cases of GERD. We saw one young girl with cystic fibrosis and her mother who was her primary caregiver. The mother was upset and near tears , she said she has no emotional support and suffers from depression. I felt really bad her because she deals with so much and lacks the resources for support. Anna the psychiatrist with us talked with her and told her she needs to set aside some time every day for herself. She said she needs to work on sleeping, the woman says she sleeps with her daughter each night because the daughter is in so much pain, she has to rub her muscles because they cramp. We gave her pain medication to help with the muscle cramps so hopefully that inturn helps the mother.

We saw several UTI's, prescribed excessive amounts of bactim and amoxicillin. We also saw a 25 year old woman with severe thrombosis and varicose veins that caused a decubidus ulcer on her foot. There was nothing we could do for it except tell her to apply lotion and keep moisturized. We saw a very attractive younger man that was hitting on laura and I , he happened to have kidney stones. (Laura and I with the boy who loved us)

We saw a case of ringworm, and of course scabies. One unique case was an 8 year old who had transposition of the greater vessels. His artery and veins of the heart were misplaced so he would get unoxygenated blood in the oxygenated spaces and vice versa, he basically should not have been alive and had severe hypoxia, he was cyanotic (blue lips), and clubbed hands and feet from lack of oxygen. Sarah is going to get him in contact with a surgeon in the U.S. but honestly it wouldnt do much good because his body is so used to being run like that it would be in shock if reversed like it normally is in newborns. It was a miracle to see him alive , and his father just cried at that. We saw a lot of mental illnesses today...a group/mental home brought them in for care. one boy we saw was once shot in the head during the revolution while playing in the fields with friends and this rendered him brain damaged, that was so sad to see him be could barely walk...and they say war is worth it.

The clinic was so so so hott. We were sweating like crazy. It felt so good to shower when i got back

Many people have been saying that I am beautiful which always is so surprising. All of these girls seem beautiful to me.

We went out to dinner at el convente which was once a convent and now a restaurant / hotel. We ate steak and had such a good time gabbing with Denease the Nurse with us, who also teaches some of our courses we will have next year. I hope to have her as a clinical instructor...she eased my mind about boards and other things. She is so smart and down to earth, I really look up to her. She told us she wants to get a group of nurses together with her masters students to go on a trip for spring break back to Nicaragua. I hope I can be a part of that. I wish i could bring all the same group with me though!

(all the nurses with Denease)
(my "sisters" on the trip, Heather and Laura)

I got to know a med student, Jose, today. He was born in Nicaragua and moved to the US when he was 7. Its so interested to hear what he remembers. He was actually able to see some of his family and grandparents for the first time since he lived here. i thought that was very special. He is compassionate to the patients and a lot of fun. A bit of a flirt with all the girls. I definitely would like to get to know him more!

I cant believe how much time has gone by. I hope we all stay in touch because i cant imagine my life without these people now.