checked out Molly @Glee

checked out Molly @Glee

sometimes i think up as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast. - alice

im thinking of blogging, thinking of things i want to talk about that are on my heart and mind. i just havent done it. im laying in bed right now and i should be sleeping in preparation for a nother night of work this evening. mark, mason and kaylin just left to go to beckys house. becks family was here last night , i made homemade pizza and we had a fun time! i really enjoyed it! my salad dressing was a hit which is so funny because its just a basic thing ive grown up with. Its funny but everwhere ive been in my life besides cleveland does not carry italian dressing as a stable salad dressing. i mean everwhere people think its like the grossest weirdest thing. i dont get it?? but im converting the world one by one. italian really s better.


i had abirthday and im another year older which is so wierd because i swear 2 months ago i turned 23 now its 24...whats happening'? it seems like life goes by faster and faster and althoughi enjoy every minute of the ride i wish it would all just slow down and let me catch my breathe.

im going to leave this at that for right now and take my nap so i can be awake tonight. im definitely making it my every intention to return here and start letting it out again. as i told my mom, its there when you need it...

offto work
i cried because i hate it
night shift.
i hate that i didnt sleep today because my boyfriend doesnt think its necessary
i hate that babies get crabby when there tired and all they do is cry about everything
i hate that i use the word hate
i should say dislake
i hate that im broke and i cant get some sour starburst
i hate that i work with crazy ass patients and not children
i hate that im not still in school
i hate that im pmsing adn all i can do is bitch
ugh.
off to save lives, or wipe butts, whatever happens first

havent written anything for december, honestly since night shift, i work and then sleep and am too out of whack to do anything remotely exciting. this month was the month of christms which brings family, fun, and stress. now the holidays are almost over, just have to make it through new years in cinci and putting away the presents and we are home free for a while.
sunday is marks birthday, we have mason so im thinking mason and i are going to throw him a little birthday party at our aparatment just the 3 of us. should be fun!

michelle trachenburg stalks me. when i was little i watched harriet the spy and i became a spy riding my bike around the neighbor staring in peoples windows and writing down little comments, my mom and step dad were not to pleased to see me in peoples bushes and all just to write, "man in blue house sitting at table eating pasta" ....nothing exciting happened on maryland. and now michelle is playing a new grad nurse at mercy hospital who wears cute scrubs (just like me) although i find her optimism and excitement annoying...id rather bemore like veronica, headstrong, determined and knowing whats best and standing for it, i think in time that will come. and im excited for that
last night my 103 year old patient tried to bite me and called me a crazy fool. and i just laughed, and blessed her in my head. i have been taking care of an old man who is a friend of the family of mark . i have fell in love with him and his family, and have really become attached to him. michelle my manager told me in my peer review that im emotional at times, and that is expected of a new grad nurse. i kinda thought that was rediculous because i want to always be emotional...but empathetic, i want to cry with my patients when things arent right, and actually care and not be a hard ass. i am able for the most part to leave my emotions at work and it hink thats whats important,. but i vow to never become unemotional at work. i think thats what makes a good nurse.
anyways thats a little bit of an update i dont know what else to say but i am feeling the itch to write again as i have been moody lately. mom told me its because of the blue moon this month, which messes with our feelings, and of course its been an hard time with grandma smiths death and the holiday stress. knowing a reason is easier than carrying moodiness on my own. i just have to let it go, and believe that God is looking out for me, and give up the bad mood and accept happiness into my life

i feel like i havent slept in ages. almost like after dance marathon when i youre awake for 36 + hours depending on what time you had to be there before it started, and you stood on youre feet through the entire time, werent allowed to sit exept for the 15 minute breakfast and dinner you had...and youre entire body just hurt so bad you would give anything to remove your feet and shoulders if it would give you some relief.....but yah i feel kinda similar to that after moving to night shift.
the first night i was supposed to go i woke up feeling kinda sick, kinda like my world was shifted and everything was backwards and the whole world doesnt understand that its actually morning, not night time, so why are all the stores open?? usually they are closed as i approach work...but no iit was night and not morning and i felt emotional aboutleaving the girls on day shift who are so much like me and young and have quickly become my best friends here in ky, so i saw nikki and got report and started crying because i ahted that i had to be there and work a whole night through which just seems so unnatural to me.
now i knew going into this that iw ould be on the night shift and thats was no problem for me, i actually thought id prefer it, or not mind it but after orientation and loving the day shift andthe busyness and the doctors and orders and tests and getting a hands on appraoch the pathology of these patients i dreaded nights...
it started off kinda busy, did my med tosses, and admitted a new patient, and did my assessment and then about 1 am it was dead....no pharmacy, no labs, no tests, no doctors, everyones asleep...and i was B O R E D i hate to be bored at work i would reather be stressed and running around like a mad women taking care of these people, in fact i am driven by stress it motivated me, i feel useful i feel important and that is whyi became a nurse...not to be there in case someone needed to pee, or needed a pillow, im there to heal....so after 2 nights i can say that no i do not like night shift...
i pray and pray for a day opening to come through...i just dont know how ill last...
but other than that
i love kentucky and my life although nowt hat my schedule is switchedi havent seen my boy since friday and i havent seen mason for almost 2 weeks! which is sad because hes growing so fast i dont want to miss a minute.

tonight somer and i are headed to see new moon for the second time. im glad that we are able to hang out since we arent working together anymore, im going to vent my frusterations of night shift to her . but i dont want to seem like i dont like my job or a complainer, a lot of nurses are big complainers and forget that the fundamental reason we do waht we do is to be there for these patienst and i think that if a nurse doesnt want to be there she shouldnt be..no one forces you to work there, so if you hate youre job leave.....i dont want to hear it and a bad mood only puts me in a bad mood, its contagious....so yah i dotn want to do that to somer but she was my preceptor adn now my best friend here so i feel like i can talk to her about it...im optomistic though that itllget better, and that itll only last as long as im the guppie in the pond and eventually i will be able to move to a better shift! I HOPE!

"he claims that the relapse was a one-shot, three-day mistake and he's fine. But the longer he talks, the more it becomes obvious that his voice is the voice of HIM on something.

I wait.

It's like watching from afar, perhaps through binoculars with imperfect lenses, the moments before a train wreck. All of us who love him commiserate. we all know. and yet there is nothing you can do. "
- beautiful boy, david sheff

i hit a parked car at work tonight as i was leaving
i heard a loud BOOM, felt it, and thought "ah shit, i hit a curb again" and then i looked and it was a car...i got out and looked at a plate sized dent was in the front right of this car. i got back into my car, giggled, and then started crying...called mark, no answer...called mom, she got the machine , prayed prayed prayed and yes she answered
she calmed me down, asked me if i had any damage... well, didnt check for that, get out of the car and check....and i just have a scratch and some paint frm the other car....great. of course id be fine and theyd have a huge dent.
mom told me to go in and get a security guard to find the owner, but i was too embarressed and i didnt wwant to interupt someone if they were with patients so i left a note.
now ill admit i thought briefly of just leaving but then i thought thats terrible karma and theres security cameras lol...i guess im not an angel after all that this thought did come across my mind, it makes me feel guilty even to admit it and to write it makes it real.
well i have my insurance info sitting by my phone, im ready for the call. ijust hope its not the bitchiest person in the hospital that i have yet to encounter or withmy luck its dr. j who yelled at me when i was trying to put a bp cuff on his patient that was newly admitted with a resting HR of about 150, and yelled "NO NO NO I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STOP I CANNOT HEAR THE PATIENT" as he was trying to get a history...because really it makes a lot of noise to put a bp cuff on someone????....yah its probably his car.

all i can think about now though is how i once hit nana's house and grandpa rich came running out in his boxers and no shirt "WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN???" i mean if you know him, just imagine him running, he NEVER ran, big old pot belly and tiny tiny tiny little legs come bolting out the house....i miss that crazy old man.


well thats an update, the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a while ! tomorrow is a day off then i work wed and then the weekend so tomorrow ill be cleaning and doing laundry because my apt is trashed after masons weekend...there are cookie and cereal and cracker crumbs all over and little juice spills...its a mess and its overwhelming to try and keep up with him because one mess just replaces another so i just wait till the time isup then i clean it all and then its usually time for his return! he definitely leaves an impression in more ways that one =)