car shopping is stressful
dad makes it even more so because so many factors have to align just perfectly to make him happy.
Today we test drove an 07 kia spectra at a local used car lot. I loved it. It has a few stains on the seats, some dirtyness to the dashboard, but other than that its beautiful. Dad complained he could hear air noise on the driver side, i didnt hear anything but after driving the neon which sounds like a hurricaine is going on outside while in operation, its a dream. We are waiting for the loan to go through on monday and then the car is mine and i can pick it up!
im very exciting but nervous at the same time. I have this car and a 5 year contract to make payments each month. It will be good to build up my credit but i cant help but feel a bit apprehensive. This is a big responsibility that felt like it was years and years away and now here it is. Im so grateful i have a father who is able to help me get my life started.
Every time i see him eh tells me to get a job, which i am trying depserately to do. i have an interview at the nursing home i used to work at on monday, pretty excited a bout this,. i have my doubts t hough, my nursing mentor told me that its not a good idea to get started into a nursing home, and i worry about getting stuck in the older market, what i want is pediatrics and its so hard to get into and med/surg experience is needed but i dont know how theyd feel about nursing home experience. i guess its a job though.
Its not in kentucky or cinci which is really where i want to go. I dont have any friends in cleveland and i love my family but im young and what am i going to do with my free time here? i guess i can always hit the road and visit. But as my relationship grows its becomes increasingly difficult to live without the one you love on a daily basis. He is in so many ways my future but its so hard to wait for it to happen. I worry about the test this will place on us.... but then again this is a temporary thing, to make money.
we shall see how it goes. Ikeep saying that God will place me exactly where i need to be and i have to continue to trust that.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The wedding on saturday was probably the most beautiful wedding ill ever go to. Sarah was absolutely beautiful, she looked as though she belonged in a bridal magazine. It was so evident that these two truly loved each other. I credit them for changing my pessimistic and cynical views on love.
my uncle married them and taked alot about the Bible and what it says on marriage. He spoke of Genesis, the beginning, when God created the world he made man and for the first time said "it was not good" because man was alone. He fastened Eve for Adam , who was like him. He created someone to make this relationship and love to reflect how God loves us so that we could feel it and become one with one person and create a life with them. He said that there is this one person for us created to reflect God, to show us his love. I thought this was beautiful.
That God so loved us to give this love to us is amazing. to reflect his love. To make us better people.
The reception was beautiful as well, alcohol free but a lot of fun regardless... we had party favors of playing cards because Tad does magic tricks with them and bot h sarah and tad love to play games...i thought this was a unique gift.
it was held at the masonic temple , the servers were all older men , i had ordered lasagna and the man, with his hands shaking, gave me chicken, so i didnt tell him it was the wrong plate, i didnt have it in my heart! i just ate the chicken!
i ended up catching the bouquet!!! which was a fun event, ive never caught the bouquet before!. I danced with my daddy and family and new friends and just had a wonderful time!
It was a great set up to pass the HESI on monday which i totally didnt think i wouild be able to do. I had studied after the rehearsal dinner at the hotel, and while i was getting my hair done, and all day sunday. i cried a lot on monday, including a few times during the exam because i jsut didnt feel as thought it was going well. i was in a office by myself which did take a bit of the stress off, and i took many breaks, never looked at the time. at the end it took me over 3 hours and after i hit the final question i covered my eyes and didnt want to look at my score w hich i was sure was not good! but i passed it!! with a 917!! such a relief!!! Dr. batten hugged me and it felt so good to be done with this chapter in my life.
now comes the job hunt and trying to figure out where to move which is bringing a lot of pressure to me from a lot of people to move certain places. i just need to leave it up to God, i trust that where i get the job is where i belong....
its just proof that things do work out in time! just keep on smiling and trucking along!!
yesterday with my first free day of no studying i went to the pool,. read a book that was completely mindless with no point or serious topic that i havent read in a while, and it was wonderful although now my face and chest and shoulders are bright pink!!! now i start the job search, clothing organzing, room organzing, getting everything done that i put off for a month or 2 while i studied....its wonderful! although still weird! =) ill start studying again on monday but not as intensley in order to keep in the game for when i take the NCLEX In a month or so!
yay!
my uncle married them and taked alot about the Bible and what it says on marriage. He spoke of Genesis, the beginning, when God created the world he made man and for the first time said "it was not good" because man was alone. He fastened Eve for Adam , who was like him. He created someone to make this relationship and love to reflect how God loves us so that we could feel it and become one with one person and create a life with them. He said that there is this one person for us created to reflect God, to show us his love. I thought this was beautiful.
That God so loved us to give this love to us is amazing. to reflect his love. To make us better people.
The reception was beautiful as well, alcohol free but a lot of fun regardless... we had party favors of playing cards because Tad does magic tricks with them and bot h sarah and tad love to play games...i thought this was a unique gift.
it was held at the masonic temple , the servers were all older men , i had ordered lasagna and the man, with his hands shaking, gave me chicken, so i didnt tell him it was the wrong plate, i didnt have it in my heart! i just ate the chicken!
i ended up catching the bouquet!!! which was a fun event, ive never caught the bouquet before!. I danced with my daddy and family and new friends and just had a wonderful time!
It was a great set up to pass the HESI on monday which i totally didnt think i wouild be able to do. I had studied after the rehearsal dinner at the hotel, and while i was getting my hair done, and all day sunday. i cried a lot on monday, including a few times during the exam because i jsut didnt feel as thought it was going well. i was in a office by myself which did take a bit of the stress off, and i took many breaks, never looked at the time. at the end it took me over 3 hours and after i hit the final question i covered my eyes and didnt want to look at my score w hich i was sure was not good! but i passed it!! with a 917!! such a relief!!! Dr. batten hugged me and it felt so good to be done with this chapter in my life.
now comes the job hunt and trying to figure out where to move which is bringing a lot of pressure to me from a lot of people to move certain places. i just need to leave it up to God, i trust that where i get the job is where i belong....
its just proof that things do work out in time! just keep on smiling and trucking along!!
yesterday with my first free day of no studying i went to the pool,. read a book that was completely mindless with no point or serious topic that i havent read in a while, and it was wonderful although now my face and chest and shoulders are bright pink!!! now i start the job search, clothing organzing, room organzing, getting everything done that i put off for a month or 2 while i studied....its wonderful! although still weird! =) ill start studying again on monday but not as intensley in order to keep in the game for when i take the NCLEX In a month or so!
yay!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
the other day i went to walmart to get self tanner (because i want to be tan for the wedding this weekend, and i dont want skin cancer or burn)...anyways...the lines are so long so i just pick the one with the self scanner since i only have one item...
and then my weirdo radar goes off...
a man , quite possible an albino man, near the age of 67 ish ?? i say that lightly because he could very well be much younger but just look older...comes over and loudly announce :HEY HEY HEY THIS LINE OVER HEAR IS OPEN:
he's looking right at me...wait, no, he might not be...he has a one lazy eye so im not quite sure...but wait yes he is motioning to me...
of course i want to get out of walmart as fast as i can, and i fear the reprecussions if i do not follow this man to the open lane....did i mention he is a customer too, hes not a employee...
so im now behind him in lane, I watch as he places 2 4-pack Snack-Pack puddings on the conveyer belt...he then proclaims "THESE ARE A GREAT DEAL, 1$ EACH, I LOVE THEM, IM GETTING VANILLA HERE, AND TAPIOCA AND I ATE A CHOCOLATE ONE ALREADY AT HOME, YOU SHOULD GET THESE"
smile and nod, smile and nod.
but this doesnt stop him, he continues.
"LET ME MAKE SURE I HAVE MONEY FOR THIS, DAMN I HAVE TO HAVE A DOLLER"...he pulls out a wad of cash ..."TEN TWENTY THIRTY, SIXTY, I HAVE SIXTY, I THOUGHT I LEARNED MY LESSON, NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH THAT MUCH CASH BECAUSE WHEN YOU GO OUT, GET HIGH ON MARIJUANA, AND GO TO THE STORE, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU ATE 6 BAGS OF LAYS CHIPS AND DRANK A 2 LITER OF COKE"...
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
"SO WHAT ARE YOU BUYING THERE??"
I show him the label and tell him its sunless tanner
"WHAT?"
"sunless tanner."
"HELL YOU NEED THAT THE WEATHER HAS BEEN SO SHITTY"
"well, i dont want skin cancer."
"SMART GIRL, IM OUT ON MY BOAT EVERYDAY, I LIVE IN A HOUSE BOUT AT SOUTH BASS ISLAND DURING THE SUMMER, SOME PEOPLE CALL IT PUT IN BAY"
"oh yes."
He has now finished paying ...and is couting his change, as i am paying for mine, he waits for me...
he tried to walk out with me..."IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU" i turn and say you too, and then i RUN RUN RUN out the door...afraid hed follow me to my car and try to kidnap me or something....
you definitely meet the most unique people at walmart.
and then my weirdo radar goes off...
a man , quite possible an albino man, near the age of 67 ish ?? i say that lightly because he could very well be much younger but just look older...comes over and loudly announce :HEY HEY HEY THIS LINE OVER HEAR IS OPEN:
he's looking right at me...wait, no, he might not be...he has a one lazy eye so im not quite sure...but wait yes he is motioning to me...
of course i want to get out of walmart as fast as i can, and i fear the reprecussions if i do not follow this man to the open lane....did i mention he is a customer too, hes not a employee...
so im now behind him in lane, I watch as he places 2 4-pack Snack-Pack puddings on the conveyer belt...he then proclaims "THESE ARE A GREAT DEAL, 1$ EACH, I LOVE THEM, IM GETTING VANILLA HERE, AND TAPIOCA AND I ATE A CHOCOLATE ONE ALREADY AT HOME, YOU SHOULD GET THESE"
smile and nod, smile and nod.
but this doesnt stop him, he continues.
"LET ME MAKE SURE I HAVE MONEY FOR THIS, DAMN I HAVE TO HAVE A DOLLER"...he pulls out a wad of cash ..."TEN TWENTY THIRTY, SIXTY, I HAVE SIXTY, I THOUGHT I LEARNED MY LESSON, NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH THAT MUCH CASH BECAUSE WHEN YOU GO OUT, GET HIGH ON MARIJUANA, AND GO TO THE STORE, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU ATE 6 BAGS OF LAYS CHIPS AND DRANK A 2 LITER OF COKE"...
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
"SO WHAT ARE YOU BUYING THERE??"
I show him the label and tell him its sunless tanner
"WHAT?"
"sunless tanner."
"HELL YOU NEED THAT THE WEATHER HAS BEEN SO SHITTY"
"well, i dont want skin cancer."
"SMART GIRL, IM OUT ON MY BOAT EVERYDAY, I LIVE IN A HOUSE BOUT AT SOUTH BASS ISLAND DURING THE SUMMER, SOME PEOPLE CALL IT PUT IN BAY"
"oh yes."
He has now finished paying ...and is couting his change, as i am paying for mine, he waits for me...
he tried to walk out with me..."IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU" i turn and say you too, and then i RUN RUN RUN out the door...afraid hed follow me to my car and try to kidnap me or something....
you definitely meet the most unique people at walmart.
Monday, June 29, 2009
when it rains it pours..i feel like this year is just a big "lets take a huge shit on molly and see how much she can handle before we have to involuntarily commit her"...i guess thats a little harsh but seriously the day warrents it considering.
yesterday i went to grafton to see my uncle who is away at "college" aka prison because of something i dont think warrants arrest (drug addiction). It was the first time I had seen him in over a year, and it was so wonderful, and eerie . He looked good! Not to upset since he isnt actually in prison but a working camp they put some inmantes in...where they work on this farm that the state owns. So he has more liberty and freedom and less rules but its not exactly the most wonderful place to be. Still seemed dark and dirty to me ....no air conditions, really hot. Anyways the room reminded me of an old gym in a catholic school, really tiny with that nasty yellow tile all around and yellow brick painted over with that shiny cover and fans and just dark dark dark, completely depressing. the cop told me and my nana to go to table 11....and the tables were not clearly marked but my uncle showed us the way...i sat at the head of the table and got yelled at because apparently the head seat is reserved for inmate use only? so i moved and then i notice that a women is filling up these vending machines. My nana hands me some change and gives me directions. Apparently this is quite the event.my uncle tells me that i have to get the pizza sub because its the only good thing...im confused by this because i didnt even know it was possible to get such food out of a machine, that just sounds disgusting. Well i get up, apprach the machines , and notice that apparently 30 or so other people are also doing the same....i felt like a parent at christmas trying to get a damn tickle me elmo...people breathing down my neck in line, waiting to see what im getting, how long itll take me, just rushing everyone along....i felt this anxiety to get a pizza sub from a vending machine...the guy next to me, in frnt of my mom is gettign wings....yes wings, he has about 8 bags stacked above the machine, and he jsut keeps going for more...this was crazy....i refused to go back up the machines after that....
but the visit was good, i felt feeling dirty, sad, and just completely and overwhelmingly tired.
so i went to bed last night, fully intending on being in a coma until late today, when i heard the maintenance man, whom i despise for good reason. Hes coming into my apartment to fix the huge hole he left for us when he moved our surge box....i send a telepathic message to Joey to bite his ankle....
so im still tired all day, pass out for a nap, go to nana's later for dinner, and realize my car is overheating...so i put some coolant in at Nana's
on the way back to my apt...it starts overheating again which is bizarre because of the coolant...so i start freaking out...im pretty close to home, so im wondering if i should just chance it, but then again i dont want to blow up....i pull over at the bank and then think is hould call my mom but my phone is deead because i left my charger at my dads last week......so im screwed...i put the hood up adn start flailing my arms on the side of York Rd. hoping my mom will drive by and see me,...which she does! she comes, picks me up and takes me back to the apt to call a shop...the shop up the street wont be able to look at it until thursday, maybe...not good for me...so we call another one farther away b ut this means ill have to have it towed...i arrange all this, the tow man tells me to put the key under the mat....and then i think, oh no, where is that key,.....and low and behold, in my frantic state, i locked my keys in the car.
mom grabs a wire hanger and we go back to the car...meet the tow man there...and he laughs at us trying tog et it with a wire, this nice man unlocked it for free. and he took my precious red baby away....(i hate that car, but i need to speak lovingly because she is all i have)
so now im carless...and im supposed to go to kentuckt this weekend. now if i was a normal person, if life didnt like kicking me in the ass and laughing at me...i wouldnt be worrying about this. becauese i would of passed the hesi, would have passed my boards, i would have a job, and i would have a new car that doesnt break down every 2 weeks, and life would probably be a whole lot nicer.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
needless to say, my scores are not improving, i do not feel i have learned anything through this class, i am completely unconfident, and considering new career options....but im taking the HESI on july 13th. desperately need a miracle....
i really am trying to be faithful, the have confidence....but i had boht those things the last 2 times and it didnt work so why would it now???
i know life could be a lot worse, and i should count my blessings ...i do know that...i know im a total debbie downer, but really i could use a freaking break...
if i pass this damn test, my life would improve 82307t58295727527387572857 percent.
how if only it could happen,.
im seriously considering paying a genious to do it for me....
yesterday i went to grafton to see my uncle who is away at "college" aka prison because of something i dont think warrants arrest (drug addiction). It was the first time I had seen him in over a year, and it was so wonderful, and eerie . He looked good! Not to upset since he isnt actually in prison but a working camp they put some inmantes in...where they work on this farm that the state owns. So he has more liberty and freedom and less rules but its not exactly the most wonderful place to be. Still seemed dark and dirty to me ....no air conditions, really hot. Anyways the room reminded me of an old gym in a catholic school, really tiny with that nasty yellow tile all around and yellow brick painted over with that shiny cover and fans and just dark dark dark, completely depressing. the cop told me and my nana to go to table 11....and the tables were not clearly marked but my uncle showed us the way...i sat at the head of the table and got yelled at because apparently the head seat is reserved for inmate use only? so i moved and then i notice that a women is filling up these vending machines. My nana hands me some change and gives me directions. Apparently this is quite the event.my uncle tells me that i have to get the pizza sub because its the only good thing...im confused by this because i didnt even know it was possible to get such food out of a machine, that just sounds disgusting. Well i get up, apprach the machines , and notice that apparently 30 or so other people are also doing the same....i felt like a parent at christmas trying to get a damn tickle me elmo...people breathing down my neck in line, waiting to see what im getting, how long itll take me, just rushing everyone along....i felt this anxiety to get a pizza sub from a vending machine...the guy next to me, in frnt of my mom is gettign wings....yes wings, he has about 8 bags stacked above the machine, and he jsut keeps going for more...this was crazy....i refused to go back up the machines after that....
but the visit was good, i felt feeling dirty, sad, and just completely and overwhelmingly tired.
so i went to bed last night, fully intending on being in a coma until late today, when i heard the maintenance man, whom i despise for good reason. Hes coming into my apartment to fix the huge hole he left for us when he moved our surge box....i send a telepathic message to Joey to bite his ankle....
so im still tired all day, pass out for a nap, go to nana's later for dinner, and realize my car is overheating...so i put some coolant in at Nana's
on the way back to my apt...it starts overheating again which is bizarre because of the coolant...so i start freaking out...im pretty close to home, so im wondering if i should just chance it, but then again i dont want to blow up....i pull over at the bank and then think is hould call my mom but my phone is deead because i left my charger at my dads last week......so im screwed...i put the hood up adn start flailing my arms on the side of York Rd. hoping my mom will drive by and see me,...which she does! she comes, picks me up and takes me back to the apt to call a shop...the shop up the street wont be able to look at it until thursday, maybe...not good for me...so we call another one farther away b ut this means ill have to have it towed...i arrange all this, the tow man tells me to put the key under the mat....and then i think, oh no, where is that key,.....and low and behold, in my frantic state, i locked my keys in the car.
mom grabs a wire hanger and we go back to the car...meet the tow man there...and he laughs at us trying tog et it with a wire, this nice man unlocked it for free. and he took my precious red baby away....(i hate that car, but i need to speak lovingly because she is all i have)
so now im carless...and im supposed to go to kentuckt this weekend. now if i was a normal person, if life didnt like kicking me in the ass and laughing at me...i wouldnt be worrying about this. becauese i would of passed the hesi, would have passed my boards, i would have a job, and i would have a new car that doesnt break down every 2 weeks, and life would probably be a whole lot nicer.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
needless to say, my scores are not improving, i do not feel i have learned anything through this class, i am completely unconfident, and considering new career options....but im taking the HESI on july 13th. desperately need a miracle....
i really am trying to be faithful, the have confidence....but i had boht those things the last 2 times and it didnt work so why would it now???
i know life could be a lot worse, and i should count my blessings ...i do know that...i know im a total debbie downer, but really i could use a freaking break...
if i pass this damn test, my life would improve 82307t58295727527387572857 percent.
how if only it could happen,.
im seriously considering paying a genious to do it for me....
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
im in a funk and nana thinks I am depressed because of my medicatin interactions but im just genuinely hating the way my days are spent on this damn computer all day with these student lessons and modules. i just want to MOVE ON!!!!!!! i honestly dont even care anymore...if i fail the next 2 times i really dont think i will carry anymore determination for nursing and will officially become a bum of some sort, a professional secretary...at least its something im good at from previous experience.
im just so beside myself with these crazy irrational thoughts waiting fro something miraculous to happen! its not happening!!! hello!!!
at the bridal shower/ bachelorette party...i learned one of the girls is going to mexico for a year living with some sort of christian organization working downt here helping people, she doesnt get payed but it sound like an amazing opportunity. this is something i should be doing, not sitting on my ass reveiwing modules that contain 49059859 slides a lesson and taking quizzes.
i loved the weekend it was a nice break but now im back in my funk, just wanting it to be over.
im going to kentucky this upcoming weekend, computer with me as well, cant get away from the "j o b"
UGH...JUST had to vent.
sorry;
im just so beside myself with these crazy irrational thoughts waiting fro something miraculous to happen! its not happening!!! hello!!!
at the bridal shower/ bachelorette party...i learned one of the girls is going to mexico for a year living with some sort of christian organization working downt here helping people, she doesnt get payed but it sound like an amazing opportunity. this is something i should be doing, not sitting on my ass reveiwing modules that contain 49059859 slides a lesson and taking quizzes.
i loved the weekend it was a nice break but now im back in my funk, just wanting it to be over.
im going to kentucky this upcoming weekend, computer with me as well, cant get away from the "j o b"
UGH...JUST had to vent.
sorry;
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg
i had a panic attack last night thinking about this Hesi and course and if I dont pass it. WHat would happen to me? I already feel like i am in such a rut, left behind my everyone. People are moving away, north carolina, florida, california, michigan...getting jobs in ICU and Pediatrics, getting new cars, new apartments and real furniture...and im at home, getting up every day to log onto my class, spend an entire day doing so, then logging off and going to bed,...... If this doesnt work and i cant move on, what will I do. What if no jobs open or are left, what if i dont ever get to be a nurse? I have no idea what im supposed to do with my life in either aspect. If i do pass, the best option is to move to kentucky since i have a sure bet at a job there ...unlike anywhere else. I still want to live in cinci and work at cinci childrens but maybe my plans arent Gods.
ive been praying obsessively to make His plan known to me, how to use me in whatever way he can, and im terrified that means Im not supposed to be a nurse after all this time and effort....but i dont know.....
i want to go back to nicaragua i think about it all the time. Im so jealous Laura is going back. I wish it was financially possible.... Its rediculous that i have to have money to help others...how can i do this when im in a rut?
i just dont know what is expected of me. what am i supposed to be doing ??? why am i failing when ive never failed? why am i struggling with something im passionate about?
the economy sucks but ive always had faith that if this is what im supposed to be doing like i believe then i will land a job because it is His will...but its not happening and maybe i shouldnt be getting restless and second guessing because thats what faith is about andmaybe mine is just being teseted. but i really wish a white dove would fly down with a message to me from the Lord giving me step my step instructions on what my future holds....
i imagine it would be like this
step one : apply here (name hospital)
step two : Wear this to your interview (pic of outfit)
step three : say these things
step four : land job
step 5 : move here : apartment or house address
why cant life be that easy?
i had a panic attack last night thinking about this Hesi and course and if I dont pass it. WHat would happen to me? I already feel like i am in such a rut, left behind my everyone. People are moving away, north carolina, florida, california, michigan...getting jobs in ICU and Pediatrics, getting new cars, new apartments and real furniture...and im at home, getting up every day to log onto my class, spend an entire day doing so, then logging off and going to bed,...... If this doesnt work and i cant move on, what will I do. What if no jobs open or are left, what if i dont ever get to be a nurse? I have no idea what im supposed to do with my life in either aspect. If i do pass, the best option is to move to kentucky since i have a sure bet at a job there ...unlike anywhere else. I still want to live in cinci and work at cinci childrens but maybe my plans arent Gods.
ive been praying obsessively to make His plan known to me, how to use me in whatever way he can, and im terrified that means Im not supposed to be a nurse after all this time and effort....but i dont know.....
i want to go back to nicaragua i think about it all the time. Im so jealous Laura is going back. I wish it was financially possible.... Its rediculous that i have to have money to help others...how can i do this when im in a rut?
i just dont know what is expected of me. what am i supposed to be doing ??? why am i failing when ive never failed? why am i struggling with something im passionate about?
the economy sucks but ive always had faith that if this is what im supposed to be doing like i believe then i will land a job because it is His will...but its not happening and maybe i shouldnt be getting restless and second guessing because thats what faith is about andmaybe mine is just being teseted. but i really wish a white dove would fly down with a message to me from the Lord giving me step my step instructions on what my future holds....
i imagine it would be like this
step one : apply here (name hospital)
step two : Wear this to your interview (pic of outfit)
step three : say these things
step four : land job
step 5 : move here : apartment or house address
why cant life be that easy?
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