ViVa lAs vEgAs

OOOKAY i know i am totally MIA all the time! I never blog. but here is an amazing update!
Went to vegas over spring break with my mom. First of many Mother Daughter only trips.
Here are some highlights!

Mom and I at the wax museum!

A romantic mother and daughter Gondola Ride

My favorite of mom at the wax museum :)

Breakfast at tiffanys!

My upgrade I sent Mark haha. A girl can dream, right?



We stayed at MGM, but i loved PARIS!! hope to go to the real paris some day!


it was a fun vacation! I really enjoyed it but there is just so much to do in so little time! Mom and I both agreed wed love to go back!

On the home front......
Started school which is interesting. Its weird being back into the swing of things. But im so excited. Im hoping to continue working in school health after i get my NP but if that isnt an option I think dermatology is a good option.

My dog is HUGE!!! and a stinker! He gives Marley a run for his money for worlds worst dog!

Mark and I are going to start trying to expand out little family by 2 feet this summer! Life is crazy but mine as well add a little more!

We are so blessed by God and cannot believe we are about to celebrate our first anniversary so soon! Need some ideas for how to celebrate! This year has flown by I cannot even believe it!

I promise I will be better at writing and updating this thing. I have a really good idea for writing that I am going to go with pretty soon if I can find the time. So keep looking, I have a feeling it wont disappoint!!!!!!!!!!

this is what i have been spending most of my free time watching


im almost finished and i dont know what to do with myself. i watched this show when it first aired, when i was a freshman in high school. watching it now has made me miss college like crazy!! i really think they hit the whole nail on the head with the "lost 20 something" idea.

and a cute scott speedman doesnt hurt :)


i cant believe halloween has came and went. now we are looking forward to the holidays. My sister in law is doing thanksgiving for the first time and I am doing christmas for the first time. Im so excited and nervous. Im going to make my mommas sweet potatoes for thanksgiving which will be my first try and take over of my moms tradition. i invited her down to teach me and pass the torch.

The holiday season is fast approaching and im so excited!!! i cant wait to decorate my house and listen to the holiday cheer music and shop and wrap presents. and mason is so excited to decorate our christmas tree!!

but before christmas we are focusing on thanksgiving. and this little guy is who i am most thankful for this year :


No need to fear everyone !!! Mason is here!! :)

reading this book. and realizing more than ever the guilt i feel over missing out on the mommyhood gene that makes a woman want to stay home and raise her babies and not work. the very thought kills my soul. Most girls i know ultimately want to obtain that stay at home mom dream. in fact my own mother dabbled with it when she was able. but the didnt pass that on to me! this weekend (a weekend that should be filled with sleeping in and rest) has left me more than every frazzled. just read the to do list on the movie poster and it is blatantly aware of my feelings. friday night, natalie, Masons cousin spent the night and didnt go to bed until near 11. what time did they wake up but 530 am, on a saturday. mark wasnt home. i was all alone at 530 in the morning with 2 three year old and a puppy. that pees and poops everywhere. my house was a mess, i needed to shower, my bedding was wet with dog pee. and all i could wish for in that one moment was that it was actually monday and that i could escape to work. how sick is that? i would rather go to WORK in fact work a DOUBLE SHIFT than be home with children cooking and cleaning. i can see my grandma josephine rolling over in the grace. heaven forbid. i feel genetically imperfected. and this book gives me glimpse of the judgment i will receive when i have my own children and forgo the homemade cookies to the dollhouse roll you slice and bake...hell to even the kroger already made cookies which i will dutifully assemble on a crystale plate and pretend i mastered in the kitchen. my poor children will not have me on their pta because id rather be going to conferences out of town on the headway made with lice (no pun intended).
and now i am going to beg my 3 year old to go to sleep at 930 for a nap because he woke up at 630 this am. im tired. im worn out and for petes sake its SUNDAY . i have never looked this forward to a monday!

am i a bad person?

my life since july 4th: super fast : MOVED INTO A HOUSE, GOT A PUPPY, STARTED BACK TO SCHOOL....

does that cover it for you?

the new house is really coming along and it feels almost surreal. mark and i still refer to our payment as our rent! weve already to managed to flood the basement (tree roots in the pipe = 200$ cost to fix) , break the fan in the kitchen (swiffle sweeper lift gone wrong), and marks brother stepped through one of the steps on our porch (glad it wasnt mason)
we just sigh and say "were home owners now"
this has to be the only thing i miss about renting, knowing that someone else has to fix whatever breaks...but in owning my own home we have to fix it.
but needless to say its a beautiful little country home ! and i adore it! i will tackle room by room to decor and design and it will be the home of ones dreams!

my puppy is zeus who is a weimeraner and im midly obsessed (ok, more than midly). hes so cute, honestly ive always loved animals and want to save them all but this dog has got a special little hold on me. now if hed only stop pissing and shitting in my house! He is a little bit rediculous in that he will pull the toilet paper off the roll to make a pile and then pee on it, as if to say...here mommy and daddy let me help you clean it up by making it easier...if hes smart enough to do that why cant he go outside? we decided to break down and get a crate to train him because taking him out every hour isnt working...hes like a phantom pooper or something...moves with the super speed of a ninja !

the new school years has been good, im glad to be back and away from night shift....
its funny to see new kids and the old kids and how much one short summer can change them! the boys are taller than me!

my mom came down last weekend with my uncle which was so nice to see some loving faces here. i like when my family visits it makes it feel less large here...im honestly alone a lot and it can be hard but really im a loner type of person. after a long day at work there is nothing i love more than peace and quit, a good book, jammies , and the couch! i have friends down here but they are married with babies which is different than most of my friends back home but not quite where i am not. im a newlywed who likes to go out to dinner and go to the movies still with some gal pals but im lacking in that department i guess. im not really sure how to go about meeting people. i feel limited as this is a small town, everyone has their friends...god i sound like im throwing a pitty party for myself...its really not alll that bad !!! :)

i recently read this book :


i got the idea from the trailer for the movie, its where i get lots of book ideas...whichout ever even seeing the movie!! but this time i really want to see it. i heard that it wasnt a very good movie from someone that the characters were devoid of personality as it didnt really get deep into their heads in the flick. but i found the book to be opposite....

the funny thing is i saw this trailer :


i mistook it for a book that had these characters meeting every year on this one day, but instead its about these characters lives throughout the years but just a peak into one day. i found it to be powerful and moving, i even shed a few tears for these characters that i grew to love and find myself in and my relationship in. i think the critics were way off...although i have yet to see the movie, the trailer is on the ball..


anyways, just a little recommendation from this avid reader! and if you have any recommedations, feel free to send them my way! im off to start "I dont know how she does it" by allison pearson *another movie hint*

Happy Fourth!

Happy 4th of July fellow americanos!


Ill start by saying that I have had several topics that I wanted to discuss via blog butttt never seem to fully commit....yikes.

however i saw this photo by the famous LC/lauren conrad :


and am now completely obsessed and need my hair like that asap!

im off to a family cookout...what are your plans??????


more on life later!


much love!!! and be safe!!

it all started with a doorbell ringing

So I've mentioned before that I am back at the hospital working night shift, which leads me to being awake practically all night even when im not work and relishing in the daytime napping hours. I love naps.

Friday I was taking one of my infamous glorious naps. I was very cozy in my shabby chic comforter and blankets, about to enter my second REM cycle when I hear the doorbell. My first thought was damn mark probably forgot his keys again, so i reluctantly exit my bed and make my way downstairs (now, i should have known this wasnt mark, because Mark rings the doorbell like 50 times in a row out of the sheer pleasure of annoying me, but alas i digress.)

Im looking hott to, let me tell you...totally rocking the comfy clothes and messy bun and im sure my makeup from earlier is smeared all over my face now that ive been napping...but i open the door, intending it to be mark ....

and surprise its not mark...


who is it you ask???



THESE GUYS:


yes backpack and all, i can tell they are taken back by my obvious stunning good looks as they start their schpeal about the church they are from and then they ask me...."do you know Jesus Christ"........


and as bad as i want to just slamm the door, i feel bad..because isnt that kind of like slamming the door in Jesus's face....

so instead i calmly reply yes i am in fact down with G - O -D and Im catholic....and i expect the man to say okay thank you for your time, but oh no, mr backpack (which has to be empty because what could he possibly need in that thing that isnt in his hand/pocket already) starts to explain the difference in churches to me....like dude, seriously? its like 80 degrees and your wearing a button up long sleeve, long black pants, and a tie....im sure you feel you are doing the right thing but my God that i pray to...he doesnt punish.

somehow he gets the picture as im slowly closing the door ...and he leaves....

after he leaves I start laughing to myself thinking of the halloween my jr year of college when my friends and i ran into someone dressed as a door to door religion salesman at a party...my best friend in her drunken stupor began to swing her gold shovel (she was a gold digger) at this man in defense as he chased us around the party with his books (he took the role a little too seriously) ....I like to think God has a sense of humour too!


But now really dudes, i mean come on...how many people do they seriously convert harrassing people from their sleep like that?? and even if it did work...dont they know the mass quantities of people that make fun of them? its aweful! but how come NO OTHER RELIGION besides the mormons and jehovahs do this??? i mean really...of the hundreds and thousands of religions we know of, who else does this? when is the last time someone came to your house and asked you if you accepted Buddha into your life???


moral of the story is...yes i love Jesus, but if you interrupt my precious and rare sleep I will bring out the swinging gold shovel.

How to Become a Southern Belle

Yankee is a term I often hear when people are referring to me. I did move from the northern most point of Ohio to the south. Now I never would have even imagined that Kentucky was considered "southern" except on a grouping of a map. But the pearl earrings and sorority massiveness is definitely widespread in the Lexington area among girls. Now I am in a sorority so I do have that going for me, but where our campus had sororities here in the south its a little bit more exclusive and a lot more prestigious. Anyone at my college could join a sorority and it didn't have the classic stereotype that it has here. Being involved with the UK chapter has me living vicariously through this women getting the experience I dreamed sorority life was.


I think its time that I start learning the ways of a Southern Belle.

My blog definitely needs some new direction, Im not in nursing school anymore, and Im not doing much interesting things other than getting married and working...but how many times can you read about that! But one interesting thing I have going for me is that I moved from one state to the next and although I have now lived here for almost 2 years (WOW) I havent exactly assimilated into the culture. I still refer to cleveland as my home and bluejeans and a hoodie are my everyday wear in the winter...not acceptable here. When I meet new girls I feel completely boring and out of place. Im not blonde, I dont have pearl earrings (in fact i rarely ever even wear jewlery) my makeup is simple, i dont fake and bake, i do not have a twang, and I do not own a lilly pulitzer dress....


So for my first lesson in being a southern belle......ENTER the LILLY PULITZER DRESS.



Here we go girls. Now I have heard of "a Lilly" before, but I have never had much interest. But now I want one with a burning fire. It is the most essential item right now. A 20 something girl in Lexington Ky must own a Lilly and wear it to Keeneland every april/october for the races.
Are these dresses cheap? Hell no. But they last. and they are adorable! The Lilly print is now EVERYWHERE. It is now a brand for furniture, accessories, shoes, kids wears and ....sorority prints! There are currently 4 lines of sorority prints out and soon to be a few more *after a huge facebook vote to be the next printed sorority*...I heard a rumor that my sorority (chi o) was going to be a new up and coming print and I am anxiously awaiting this proof. Until then I will be signing up for an extra shift at the hospital this summer in order to afford one of these beaut's.

I plan on going to Keenland this October for the first time (cant believe I haven't gone yet!) and I will be wearing a Lilly. Also, for school next year I will be decked out with the finest lilly accessories... if you are going to fall for something, fall hard :)


So lesson one in fashion of a Southern Belle is the lilly pulitzer!





and here is a link to the website, feel free to send me something :) http://www.lillypulitzer.com

All my love!

It is 5 am and im definitly awake! ive been out of school for one week and returned to hospital night shift and my circadium rhythm is already off course! I hope i go to bed soon, luckily i can sleep all day today because im starting my next 3 night stretch.

Returning to the hospital was not the smooth transition that I had hoped! generally in summer it can be a little bit quieter in the hospital, and this was indeed the case....for every floor but the one i work on.

and i dont know if the moon was off its course or what but these patients were definitely acting as though it was full....of the 8 patients we consistently had on the floor, 4 were confused and 2 of those were climbers (people who attempt to get out of bed and risk falling due to weakness) and 1 of those 2 was combative...needless to say i injured my back constantly moving this people around in bed to keep them situation and safe.

when you work several days in a row you tend to get the same load. I had one patient that I had each night. he was married, in his 60's and his wife never left his bedside. he had a lengthy unfortuante health history but his wife was supportive and you could tell that they truly loved each other after all the years of marriage between them. In fact their aniverary was coming up that weekend. i got really close to this couple and it was the one thing i actually looked forward to when coming to work. The patient gave me a hard time, joking around that I was a pain in his ass, but he was fun and I liked to joke with him. Both were sweet. unfortunatly after this patients surgery on my last day, he did not survive the night. He unexpectadle went into respirtory distress and passed away shortly before morning shift change. I was heartbroken.

now death is certainly part of my job. I have seen several people take there last breathe, some with family by their side, others alone. Ive seen people go through code situations where they have been shoked, and pumped for a while and not response. and ive seen people go peacefully with pain medication as we anticipate the end.

This is part of the job, and it sucks. any experienced nurse will tell you "it gets easier" and to that nurse i say that bull shit. why should it get easier to see someone die....we did not become nurses to watch people die, we became nurses to help these people live.

I took this particular loss the hardest than any other, partially because i got so attached, and i think also because it was unexpected. but mostly i think it is because i am a newly wed looking forward to years and years of happiness with my husband and i cannot for the life of me imagine or dream of the day that one of us will be taken from the other and i cannot imagine the heartache that comes with this.

i went home from work that morning, after running the dealth certificate and calling his family to inform them of the loss ...and i balled with mark and masons arms around me. and then i spend the entire day/night/ and next day in bed. when i wasnt sleeping i was running this patients labs through my head, thinking of the meds i gave him, his blood pressure, his lung sounds...was there any indication that i hadnt noticed...was this somehow my fault? did i fail as a nurse. after my rest i felt better, and I realize that while im a nurse whose job it is to keep these people alive and well...i am not God and he is the one who decides when life begins and ends. This man woke up at 3 am and told his wife he was dying, he didnt go into distress until 5 am...he somehow knew. he was ready. but i wasnt. but its not my job to be.

now i can move on from this . its not something that ill carry with me daily and be upset about but im not a machine and im human and have emotions and needed to deal with it in my own little way.

my prayers are with the wife, that she may heal in her own little way as well. may God shine on her now more than ever.


i know im meant to be a nurse but hospital nursing isnt necessarily for me, truly evident after last week, as much as i love the thrill , im happier in the prevention setting. my manager offered me a prn position in home health which gives me the chance to leave the hospital, im considering it but unsure how happy id be in home health. im planning on doing a day where i run with someone and see what i think.
God will take me where I need to go.

My husband is in st louis with his guy friends tonight for a comedy tour from a tv show he likes, i miss him terribly. i miss my mason too who is off in myrtle beach with his mom, coincidentely the same week as my dad and stepmom. everyone is off having fun without little ol me! hehe. God bless them all and bring them safe back to me !

Weekend with Bestest friend

ok, so wedding was amazing and honeymoon too!

Today my Nana called me and put my on speaker phone for family to get the weekly update and I realized I really need to start blogging all of this again because I know they loved to read it.

This past weekend we were married for 2 weeks! Greer (MOH) came down to visit to see kentucky! She is the first friend to come visit me down here! (not including julia who only lives an hour away so thats not a large feat for her to visit)

Friday night, Greer got in around 630pm. The Alexanders, Greer, and Joey (marks best man) ate at the hibachi grill, Mason loves to go there because they play with him and throw food at everyone, and of course he loves the big fire on the grill when they cook in front of you. After dinner we went back to my apartment where we watched a movie (KICKASS) and all went to bed around 4 am! Crazy I know but we were having so much fun hanging out and catching up! Unfortunately Mason woke us up at 8 am and i arose to see that Greer had folded all of laundry and separated it into piles on my kitchen table. You see, Mark and I have not yet purchased a dresser for ourselves so our kitchen table is our dresser.

Apparently Greer couldnt sleep so she just did some household chores for me....Mark said she was making me look bad as a wife :)

we had breakfast and Greer and I worked on a puzzle that I had lying around but hadnt gotten to, it was very very difficult and often caused both greer and I to become frusterated but we managed to complete the puzzle!




Mark thinks it is a picture in italy, i think cape cod/new england...i thinking we will never know.

We went to the city pool for about 2 hours and layed in the sun and talked about life, why Greer cant sleep, and relationships. We had so much to discuss, even though I had just seen her at the wedding it was so hard to get good quality time in with each person with everything going on. so it was nice to relax and just catch up.

After the pool (which mason loved and made some new friends in the baby pool) we went back home, took a nap, and then headed to the Expo!

the Expo is a big event for Frankfort, ky every june. Its almost like the official beginning of summer here. I had not been until this year! Basically its a fair in the middle of downtown frankfort. We had been hyping mason up all week for this telling him he was going to eat an elephant ear. At first he didnt want to, because he thought it would be are a real elephant...im not even sure hes officialy accepted that its not a real elephant but he thought it was really yummy nethertheless! greer and I have a history of consuming large amounts of fair food and funnel cakes at cedar point so we definitely had a good time here. I enjoyed showing her some of kentucky finest! (sarcasm intended)
Mason had a great time, he actually went on some of the rides. to start he went on the merry go round and i rode with him. he went on a horse that went up and down and when it started he had the biggest smile on his face, he thought it was too cool! It was a big improvement over our attempt a year ago at rides in which he just cried the entire time, but now he is a big boy. after the merry go round he wanted to go on the dinosaur roller coaster, it looked a little rough and he was tall enough to ride alone so we werent allowed to go with him. he braved it though, didnt cry at all but he wasnt smilling he just sat there with a serious look on his face the entire time. I was so nervous for him, i was scared he would stand up and fall out of the thing !!! Mark wasnt so nervous although a few days prior he told me he wouldnt let mason ride anything that was screwed together with only two screws and behold how the dad changes his mind in the face of a begging son!
the boy that was riding next to mason was screaming his head of...but mason didnt cry...
and our last ride was the ferris wheel, all three of us were in one cart together and it was nice ....we finally had a breeze on that ride after our 98 degree weathered day!


you cant see mason in this picture but he is between us!! he liked being up high on this ride too!

we won some prizes (a dog, toy gun, and large blowup alien) and watched fireworks to finish off the night while digesting the bad food , mason loved his elephant ear!

came home, put mason to bed at 11 (LATE!) and watched paranormal activity (SCARRY!) then all went to bed, but still very late! so today was definitely a lazy sunday but with the sad goodbye of Greer.

I miss her already but she is safe back in cleveland as i write this! Forunately I will be seeing her again in only 3 weeks for cedar point! may the funnel cake consuming fun continue!!!

needless to say it was an amazing weekend with my best friend, husband, stepson, and friends! I wish every weekend was as magical!

now tomorrow i go back to the hospital for night shift for 3 in a row since school is out...yuck. i have a feeling ill be missing the school year real quick althogh i know my kids arent missing it...i ran into a few of them at the expo and one actually told me i wasnt allowed to talk to him because school was out!!! (this is the same kid that left miss you notes all over my desks with his friends when i was gone getting married and going on my honeymoon) hehe
today we just stayed mellow and hung out

the stress that is inside of me has reached its boiling point, over the past weekend i spent many late night hours wife away with an inability to sleep due to the record that plays in my mind "need marks baptism and birth certificate, mail the contract, get the dj squared away, pick out readings, make appts, figure out the flow of things" and it goes on and on as though i can actually help this at 3 am and get things squared away. but i cant so i just wish that on and off switch would develop that ive been wanting for years and years but it never comes.

its hard to plan a wedding out of state, has anyone ever told you that?

ive been back in school this week after spring break and its been eventful. theres only like 37 days left of school and some of those ill be missing. im going to miss these kids over the summer, and particulary the 8th graders as they go over to high school next year.

being a school nurse has become my indentity, being a nurse has become my identity. at school im referred to as "the nurse".....as in....Go see The Nurse. or can I see The Nurse ...I need to talk to The Nurse. ....are you The Nurse.....I think youre my school nurse?

and at the hospital its nurse nurse nurse as well...nurse has become my name.
im not sure i mind it ....most days.
'

sometimes i spit out facts at the drop of the hat, things i didnt even know i knew ...and it amazes me...i have most confidence in myself as a nurse...i know what im talking about and thats a great feeling. to be consulted on health and to actually be able to health. it makes me feel smart and good about myself...i look forward to learning more and more and more and getting further in my career on the ladder where i can share more knowledge with more people.

so i guess ill stop bragging on myself for now... haha. but its nice to feel good about something in a world taht always tells us we need to do more and that we arent good enough and that its all about money and nothing more....it makes me see the greater purpose that i hold that god has given to me . i work hard to make Him proud and that makes me happy. ....everyone needs something to be passionate about, to have something that makes them happy.

i cant sleep which makes me feel like i should write.
mason is sound asleep and cuddles up to me but i cant seem to drift off and yet i know his early wake up will be here before we know it and the sun will begin to shine as i am just entering my first rem cycle. ahh alass. this is what i get for returning to night shift this week.

spring break is over after sunday so i can return to the regular schedules programming, and it cant be here soon enough! i miss my girls at work and we only have 6 weeks left together. one of whom is leaving after the end of the school year because of budget cuts which is going to change the very dynamic of the place next year., i wonder if ill like it as much without this dear friend.

i ran into several of my kid from school and its always so funny that they recognize me when i barely recognize them. i guess if they arent frequent flyers they blend into my crowd but i think its cute the bashfullness of seeing me in public like i actually am a real person and not just a school nurse..many moms approach me for them. i adore it.

im getting stressed about about the wedding. so much to do and time is ticking away.

im getting drowsy now so im going to try sleep :)

are you afraid?
are you scared?
are you sure?
when i got married i knew it was wrong
i knew i was making a mistake
my mom made me walk down the aisle
he wasnt the same person after
he was the same person after
he changed
he stayed the same
he wanted kids
he didnt want kids
he couldnt have kids
he lied
he told the truth
he cheated
hes gay
he left me
i left him
he dissappeared
i dissappeared
we forgot each other
he never came home from work
id rather work on my career
i dont agree with his life style
he doesnt fit into my life style
he wants to move
i want to move
he wants to stay
he spends too much money
he doesnt want to spend money
i love to shop too much
he cant stay off the porn
he is a prude
hes bad in bed
hes too good in bed
he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor
he stays out all night
he never gets out of the house
he doesnt believe in God
hes a religious freak
hes too smart
hes to into sports
he always has to be right
he doesnt know anything
he never helps me
i hate helping him
he makes me drive
he never ever lets me drive
hes a republican
im a republican
his parents are too involved
he has a bad relationship with his parents
he loves me too little
he loves me too much


STOP

In the mood to blog. i dont know what it is. its been such a long time which seems to be the same introductory statement i use for every blog ive done in the
past as they got fewer and farther in between. today is that day before new years eve. the year is almost over and i greet this with intense anxiety regarding all the things that are ahead! such as : my wedding, which inclused a ton of planning, my honeymoon, which also includes planning, finances for both!!!! planning will be done from kentucky with several trips to ohio which is being impaired by our inability to have reliable transportation . i have to drop my car off on monday to get fixed after some body damage recently, illl have a rental though so ill have to come back to cleveland in like 2 weeks to swap again.,..marks car is constantly having trouble and is currently in the shop despite having been told it would be done monday the part is still not in . mark is supposed to leave tomorrow to come to new years eve here with mason and see my family however its becoming evident this will be hard to achieve with no car...hopefully we can figure something otu as i feel constantyl shafted by not having mark around my family due to stupid issues such as this that always seem to arise around the time of my families plans...such as a blizzard on christmas eve preventing him coming with me which caused a separeted christmas,...hopefully now we dont have a separated new years eve...i dont know what it is that the fates are against mark coming up...it would be easy to blame him but i know these things are out of out control. i just wish it could be easier instead of me being constantly let down. i just wish it wasnt so far.
my new years plans are to spend time in mansfield at my dads with af ondue party similar to the way it was when i was younger...this is the first year in many i havent spent it with friends downing drinks and listening to music/bands in a pretty dress. im looking forward to it because truth be told ive missed being with my family. so a fondue party is what it is going to be.
when i get back to kentucky its time to start applying to grad school again. i only applied to two schools last year, didnt get into one and got into the other but it was a masters program with actual classes instead of being online so i couldnt swing that with my night schedule at the time, and honestly couldnt with my new job either sicne the clases were during the day and i am monday through friday. so i heard of some other schools i can apply to in addition to retrying the one i didnt get into since id idnt have much experience but now i have another year under my belt to try again and all of those programs are online so hopefully next fall ill be entering my nurse practioner program. its hard settling with family as i really think about doing more acute things than diagnosing infections but i feel itll be a good base with all the health reform coming up an esitmated like 30.000 are going to be getting insurance that dont have it now and there with be a hiring deand for pcp . so i think itll be smart to go that route...dreaming can continue and possibly i can change later and get specializations in more acute areas. i dont know. im constantly dreaming and thinking.
if only icould control the world lol
welll im gonna try and keep this up. its a good relief to get things out and i like to write its just hard when life becomes so routine post college and the day to day thing just goes by and before you know it days are weeks and weeks are months...time just flies on by. i need to slow down a bit and enjoy every moment as it lasts.

Went and saw Eat Pray Love tonight and it took me back to when i first read it and determined to live my life according to that book. to travel the world and marvel. i be passionate about live and wake up in the morning with the zest and aura that surrounds me. to be in love with life itself and at peace.

i got sad for a while thinking about how i just go to work every night and sleep away my days and try to recooperate. what do i do of passion, what have i made of my life. i live in a small kentucky town . not rome.

im engaged to a man and getting married in the spring. im going to be a wife and stepmother and hopefully a mother someday, i want to go to grad school and be a np. i dont want to get wrapped up in a job and become a body that just goes through the motions and one day wakes up wondering where am i i am numb,

i told mark i was a little frusterated internally after this movie. "what do i do thats so awesome?" i asked him

he told me that made him sad tha ti had to wonder about my life. he told me i help people get better, i give love to him and i give love to mason and i am with him and he is my family and that is something huge.

that opened my eyes.

i may not travel the world, but i hope to, and i hope to do it wiht my family that i am justbeginning at 24.

i am a firm believer now that you can love your life and not have to leave it to learn how.

so tomorrow i am determined to wake up with passion again

i realize i havent blogged in a while but ive gotten the itch again
on wednesday night i was pulled to the icu. i usually hate this because its just foreign territory where there are shark nurses who have been doing their job for a while and as a newbie they have a way of making you feel embarressed for not know things. they gave me a patient i had taken care of before on stepdown so that was fine with me. i felt capable. then an transfer came and they asked me to take it. i did. it was a little old woman who came in with abd. pain and apparently had a bowel obstruction, she had turned for the worse by aspirating and getting pneumonia and was going to need to be on a bipap. she was a dnr /dni so it seemed like an easy case. well she came down and her husband came with her. and at one look at this couple and my heart just melted. after assessing this woman and starting her medications her husband of 69 years asked if he could stay the night because he didnt want to dry the 1 hour home in the dark...of course i let him and made him a bed. hes the kind of guy that would be starving, and when you ask if he would like something to eat would say no just to keep from inconveniencing anyone. he told me he was a farmer adn had been out on the fields the day before but his wife had been sick that day, so he stayed with her and brought her in to the ER. quickly i learned that this woman was not doing good, her heart began to go out of rhythm into runs of vtach then she converted into afib. her mental status declined and it became obvious that her time was limited. we explain to the husband and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "so shes getting worse" i shook my head and explained yes. he stood up, with his cane and asked if he could hold her hand, would it make a difference , will she know hes still tehre...i told him i believe she does, and i believe she will know you are there. i pulled a chair up and lowered her bed so that he could sit next to her and hold her hand,,, she wasnt very responsive but she did wake up a few times and look at him and i asked if she knew he was there adn she said yes. the husband told me they married after her 16th birthday, on december 22nd....told me she wanted to make it to her 70th anniv but wasnt sure she would now. they had 5 kids, lost one to brain cancer and had 3 boys and 1 girl surviving. the girl was born a few days before their 1st wedding anniv and she honored them in their marriage by getting married on the same day. this man clearly loved his wife. i could tell just by looking at the way he looked at her that he still saw this beautiful young 16 year old girl he fell inlove with in that hospital bed. he pulled me aside and i hugged him as he told me that he didnt want to lose her but didnt want to see her suffer, that she wouldnt want to suffer. he just wanted her to be peaceful. i cried with this man. as i left my shift she seemed to be improving as they do before they pass. i came in the next night and learned that she did pass away with her son and husband with her that afternoon.
i havent been able to stop thinking abotu them. this is love. that must be the ultimate gift of love, to let someone go and not put them through pain to keep them alive. to honor their wishes and yet be alone after 69 years this man is going to be all alone in his home, i cannot imagine being with mark that long and having to go through what this man did in 1 day and give him up after 69 years. theres such a history between them, a full life shared and now she is gone. my heart just breaks thinking about it.
i believe with my whole heart that she is in a better place adn will always be with her husband and that they will be reunited soon as he will join her and she must be so happy to be with her son she had to bury years before.
they were just so sweet, and cute and loving. it really taught me so much about the power of love. i felt so honored to be able to be their at this moment in their lives. to help this man grieve his wife and say goodbye. I hope to be loved that much in my own life.

checked out Molly @Glee

checked out Molly @Glee

sometimes i think up as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast. - alice

im thinking of blogging, thinking of things i want to talk about that are on my heart and mind. i just havent done it. im laying in bed right now and i should be sleeping in preparation for a nother night of work this evening. mark, mason and kaylin just left to go to beckys house. becks family was here last night , i made homemade pizza and we had a fun time! i really enjoyed it! my salad dressing was a hit which is so funny because its just a basic thing ive grown up with. Its funny but everwhere ive been in my life besides cleveland does not carry italian dressing as a stable salad dressing. i mean everwhere people think its like the grossest weirdest thing. i dont get it?? but im converting the world one by one. italian really s better.


i had abirthday and im another year older which is so wierd because i swear 2 months ago i turned 23 now its 24...whats happening'? it seems like life goes by faster and faster and althoughi enjoy every minute of the ride i wish it would all just slow down and let me catch my breathe.

im going to leave this at that for right now and take my nap so i can be awake tonight. im definitely making it my every intention to return here and start letting it out again. as i told my mom, its there when you need it...

offto work
i cried because i hate it
night shift.
i hate that i didnt sleep today because my boyfriend doesnt think its necessary
i hate that babies get crabby when there tired and all they do is cry about everything
i hate that i use the word hate
i should say dislake
i hate that im broke and i cant get some sour starburst
i hate that i work with crazy ass patients and not children
i hate that im not still in school
i hate that im pmsing adn all i can do is bitch
ugh.
off to save lives, or wipe butts, whatever happens first

havent written anything for december, honestly since night shift, i work and then sleep and am too out of whack to do anything remotely exciting. this month was the month of christms which brings family, fun, and stress. now the holidays are almost over, just have to make it through new years in cinci and putting away the presents and we are home free for a while.
sunday is marks birthday, we have mason so im thinking mason and i are going to throw him a little birthday party at our aparatment just the 3 of us. should be fun!

michelle trachenburg stalks me. when i was little i watched harriet the spy and i became a spy riding my bike around the neighbor staring in peoples windows and writing down little comments, my mom and step dad were not to pleased to see me in peoples bushes and all just to write, "man in blue house sitting at table eating pasta" ....nothing exciting happened on maryland. and now michelle is playing a new grad nurse at mercy hospital who wears cute scrubs (just like me) although i find her optimism and excitement annoying...id rather bemore like veronica, headstrong, determined and knowing whats best and standing for it, i think in time that will come. and im excited for that
last night my 103 year old patient tried to bite me and called me a crazy fool. and i just laughed, and blessed her in my head. i have been taking care of an old man who is a friend of the family of mark . i have fell in love with him and his family, and have really become attached to him. michelle my manager told me in my peer review that im emotional at times, and that is expected of a new grad nurse. i kinda thought that was rediculous because i want to always be emotional...but empathetic, i want to cry with my patients when things arent right, and actually care and not be a hard ass. i am able for the most part to leave my emotions at work and it hink thats whats important,. but i vow to never become unemotional at work. i think thats what makes a good nurse.
anyways thats a little bit of an update i dont know what else to say but i am feeling the itch to write again as i have been moody lately. mom told me its because of the blue moon this month, which messes with our feelings, and of course its been an hard time with grandma smiths death and the holiday stress. knowing a reason is easier than carrying moodiness on my own. i just have to let it go, and believe that God is looking out for me, and give up the bad mood and accept happiness into my life

i feel like i havent slept in ages. almost like after dance marathon when i youre awake for 36 + hours depending on what time you had to be there before it started, and you stood on youre feet through the entire time, werent allowed to sit exept for the 15 minute breakfast and dinner you had...and youre entire body just hurt so bad you would give anything to remove your feet and shoulders if it would give you some relief.....but yah i feel kinda similar to that after moving to night shift.
the first night i was supposed to go i woke up feeling kinda sick, kinda like my world was shifted and everything was backwards and the whole world doesnt understand that its actually morning, not night time, so why are all the stores open?? usually they are closed as i approach work...but no iit was night and not morning and i felt emotional aboutleaving the girls on day shift who are so much like me and young and have quickly become my best friends here in ky, so i saw nikki and got report and started crying because i ahted that i had to be there and work a whole night through which just seems so unnatural to me.
now i knew going into this that iw ould be on the night shift and thats was no problem for me, i actually thought id prefer it, or not mind it but after orientation and loving the day shift andthe busyness and the doctors and orders and tests and getting a hands on appraoch the pathology of these patients i dreaded nights...
it started off kinda busy, did my med tosses, and admitted a new patient, and did my assessment and then about 1 am it was dead....no pharmacy, no labs, no tests, no doctors, everyones asleep...and i was B O R E D i hate to be bored at work i would reather be stressed and running around like a mad women taking care of these people, in fact i am driven by stress it motivated me, i feel useful i feel important and that is whyi became a nurse...not to be there in case someone needed to pee, or needed a pillow, im there to heal....so after 2 nights i can say that no i do not like night shift...
i pray and pray for a day opening to come through...i just dont know how ill last...
but other than that
i love kentucky and my life although nowt hat my schedule is switchedi havent seen my boy since friday and i havent seen mason for almost 2 weeks! which is sad because hes growing so fast i dont want to miss a minute.

tonight somer and i are headed to see new moon for the second time. im glad that we are able to hang out since we arent working together anymore, im going to vent my frusterations of night shift to her . but i dont want to seem like i dont like my job or a complainer, a lot of nurses are big complainers and forget that the fundamental reason we do waht we do is to be there for these patienst and i think that if a nurse doesnt want to be there she shouldnt be..no one forces you to work there, so if you hate youre job leave.....i dont want to hear it and a bad mood only puts me in a bad mood, its contagious....so yah i dotn want to do that to somer but she was my preceptor adn now my best friend here so i feel like i can talk to her about it...im optomistic though that itllget better, and that itll only last as long as im the guppie in the pond and eventually i will be able to move to a better shift! I HOPE!